Gut Check

Dear GI system (including but not limited to Colon, Stomach, Small bowel, et al),

 

Hello!  I know this may be kind of weird, but I just wanted to say hi.  Look, you've lived inside me for very close to thirty years, and we've had some good times, right?  Remember that one time we ate at that Chinese place in Singapore?  Yeah, it was delicious, right?  I'm still craving that dish!  Ooohwee!  And I bet you loved all those cookies I ate this weekend!  (I had to test them out!)  Unfortunately, your upstairs neighbor "belly flab" is also enjoying them apparently, as is his cousin (and your coworker), "ghetto booty".  They seem to be growing by leaps and/or bounds. 

     Anywho, I know you're busy digesting all that grapenut cereal and whatnot from this morning, so I won't take up much of your time.   But really, I have to come out and say it.  Have some common decency.  You know my schedule.  Stick to it.  You know when I'm at home and you know when I'm at work.  And you MUST know about my phobia of outside bathrooms.  No, no, I'm not talking about the intricate decision making process I go through every time I choose a urinal; I'm talking about the tremendous aversion to using public toilets for your byproduct....umm....we'll call it "the ikis" (two or deuce (?) in Turkish).  Seriously, don't be all grouchy all morning and then not produce....then the second I step into work, act all proud for bringing "los ninos" for swim practice.  I am  not going to stand for it.  My secret work-bathroom MUST remain a secret, I can't go use it every day or it will get found out.  And then what will we do?  That's right, adult diaper.  Then you and your buddy "ghetto booty" will have alot to talk about, won't you?  (sorry you had to get involved in this, internet).