Putting the "Harm" back in "Pharmacy"

Alright, I feel like crap right now (yep, that's the scientific term for it).  I picked up a bug from who-knows-what and now I'm moderately miserable.  Part of this illness is slight difficulty breathing, but albuterol helps it.  Unfortunately, I'm nearly out, and wanting to get some more before traveling, I called walgreens pharmacy.  Ugh, an automated system, I forgot.  But things seemed like they went well, the soothing computerized voice telling me that my prescription will be ready in one hour.  Sweet, gotta love modern efficiency.  Easy, they just print out a label and slap it on a box of PRE-DOSED Inhaler....there's only one formulation of inhaler, should be super easy; I figured an hour was generous, y'know for paperwork and drive time, etc.  Luckily, an hour and a half later, I decided to call in and see if it's ready.....and realize why the generous hour was given:

Me: boop beep boop boop boop beep beep (dialing)

Me: Beep (hitting zero to get to a pharmacist)

Me: [hold music] Awesome, "I Can't Go For That" by Hall and Oates....

[5 minutes later]

Floyd: Hello? [sounding as though he's never talked in to one of these machines before]

Me: Is this the pharmacy?

Floyd:  Ummmmmm........[long pause]......Yeah.  [shoulda hung up right there, dude doesn't even know where he is]

Me: I just wanted to see if my prescription is ready......

Floyd: Let me check...[puts phone down]

Me: "Don't you need my name" I say quietly into the empty receiver.......

Floyd: [phone picked up] Oh yeah, what's your name?

Me: ******* that's spelled *-*-*....[hear phone being put down on counter in mid-spell]

[a few minutes later]

Floyd: Wait, how do you spell that?

Me: spell-spell-spell-spell

[minutes later....where the hell is he, a warehouse?]

Floyd: I don't see it in the bin....Did you call it in?

Me: Yes, over an hour ago [no, asshat, I was just hoping that someon would sense my bronchoconstriction and fill my prescription automatically]

Floyd: I don't see it

Me: ummmm.....could you check the computer?....I kinda need it.....to live....

Floyd: I can't check the computer.

Me: But when will it be ready?

Floyd: I don't know, I didn't see it.

Me: [I'm a masochist] So, could you check the computer?

Floyd: I can't access the computer.  The computer hung up on me.

Me: What?!? It hung up on you?  Is it a remote computer you're accessing?

Floyd: what? No, it didn't work.  And I turned it off.

Me:  [say what?][I'm still a masochist] But you still should be able to reboot it and get local data, right?

Floyd: I don't know

Me: Can I call back later and find out?

Floyd: You can try....

Me: i....can....try?....; you make me weep.  Thanks for your help.

Hardcore

So, my officemate just caught me glancing at the Lucha Libre Wrestling site (Masked Mexican Wrestling).  I totally gained some major street cred....or, more likely, he thinks I'm totally insane.  Either way, he'll stay outta my shit.  Awesome.

What's that?  

Oh, yeah...you ask why was I looking at the Lucha Libre site? Haven't you learned yet not to ask "why"?  You really don't want to know the answer, do you?  Didn't think so.

The Ides of March are Come

Well, here we are, the Ides of March.  Since I was asked twice this morning what the meaning of that was, I thought I would explain it.  Yes, I am a little professor.  Ides were considered the middle date of the Month in the Roman Calendar and on the Ides of March (Martius, I think) in 44 B.C., Caesar was stabbed to death by a group of senators.  He was warned by Spurnia, a fortune teller, to "Beware the Ides of March" and when the day came, he said to her "The Ides of March are come" to which she replied "Yes, but they are not gone."  He was subsequently stabbed supposedly over 50 times.  Way to go, Caesar. 

The Ides of March are not to be confused with St. Ides malt liquor made famous by Elliot Smith's "St. Ides Heaven" and Wu Tang "St. Ides".

Sadly, this was the most informative post I have ever done.  Its smugness disgusts me.

Another....

So...is it still considered blogging if I don't have enough time to write about anything worthwhile, but am so intrigued by my spam that I decide to include it?  Yeah, I kinda felt like it was a cop-out, too.  Whatevs.  Here is the one I got a few hours ago:

Listen up, Humberto told me on Sunday that ur girl been unsatisfied with u
. I can for sure, assist u with that. Check out XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.com
I've been using them for a years now and nothing but praises for them.

an attempt to make a decision, the traveler "looks down one as far as .
While with his father, Baumer meets other men who are certain .

Thanks
nowles

Well, what the fuck, Humberto?!?  Where the hell did you here [sic] that from?  And, Nowles, take some ESL classes, yo; I think you have great ideas, but they're just not getting through your garbled English....you kinda just trail off talking about the traveler and his father.  And is "Baumer", Richie Tennenbaum from the "royal Tennenbaums"?  I don't catch your drift, you crazy Turk Nowles!  Later.

Happy Belated Pi day! (Get it, 3/14...Pi day...yep, i'm a dork)

By the way, the book I started is "Baltasar and Blimunda" by Jose Saramago...thanks, super-gee.

 

Illiterate

All right internet, what the hell should I read next?  I recently finished my last book and now I'm paralyzed trying to figure out what to read next.  Luckily, google came through for me and presented me with " whatshouldireadnext.com"....I knew there had to be something like that.  Though, I haven't quite sorted out all the details, it seems okay [not great] but I don't want to waste my time with a mediocre book (yes, yes, I realize that what I think is mediocre may not be to others...get off my back, alright?)

My current leaning: I loved "100 years of solitude", have never read "Love in the time of Cholera"

My mom's choice: "My sister's keeper" Picoult

Co-Workers choice: "Davinci Code" Brown; I'm sure it's a great read, but I'm fickle

Masochistic side: "Gravity's Rainbow" Pynchon

PJ's recommendation: Wicked

Why do all of my "Amazon Recommends" books deal with knitting?

My couldn't finish/barely started list: "The corrections" and "Atonement"

Health related: "Why do Men have nipples? Hundreds of questions you'd ask your doctor after your third martini" or "You: The Owners Manual"

Want to read the book but have seen the movie: "High Fidelity" Hornby, "Fight Club" Palahnuick

Author I have never read and probably should: Ishiguro

If I was smarter, I would read: The Master of Go

What I will probably do instead of starting a new book: nap.

Help?

Buried Tresure

So, today we went to see the IMAX Deep Sea 3D. Yeah, we were the oldest non-parents in the place. But that didn't matter because it was the raddest thing ever. The jellyfish were the best we agreed. Even though I was stung by a jellyfish when I was eight and have this mortal fear of them, it was still pretty awesome. However, the best part was hearing the dad behind us say "Shut up!" to his kid every seven seconds. Super Awesome. You need to see this movie...and just remember it runs only about 40 minutes....the credits kinda snuck up on me. I did not find Nemo.
Check this kickass travel toothbrush....all chromed out, like me! And I totally want to look like that dude....y'know, all fashionable and running and whatnot, what an awesome toothbrush!

Snoremones

Man, my libido has been crazy recently.  Must be spring time, perhaps...or that damn roller derby.  Stupid cycles.  Unfortunately, it has only lead to sexually repressed innuendo with my roommates....as in:"'Hey, did you feed the fish?"  "Awww yeah, I TOTALLY fed the fish!",,,no, no, don't try to look for sexual meaning, it has none, it makes NO sense; however, if you say anything in a saucy manner, it sounds dirty and somehow we'll take that "blue"  meaning.  It's sad.  Pity us.

Spicy Lynx: all COMPLETELY NSFW and no respectable human being should look at them.  But then again, you're reading this, so you can't be that respectable.
-Article from the British Journal of Medicine on coitus
-Wim Delvoye: radiographs of intimate interactions (getting progressively more..umm...intimate:  here, here, here, here, here [metafilter]

New Insight...no, wait...enzyte?

Alright.  Apparently there are alot of people throughout the internet that email me about 1) How small my penis is 2) My ability [or lack thereof] to keep an erection/"Please my lady".  My question is: How did they know?   Thanks internet, thanks so much for the daily suggestions, they are really helpful.  I never knew that ph%arm$cies were available that could help me with my problem(s).  But what really intrigues me is the text at the bottom of these messages that, I presume, is to bypass the spam filters?  Well, whatever it's for, it's brilliant.  Here's one from this morning:

Youre forgetting. We have the location from the numbers. Oh? Someone has to come and repair the machine. Oh. We take him and find out who sent him there. You know, Peter, youve got possibilities. For a neophyte, you understand, your current outrageously undeserved position notwithstanding. Sorry I cant offer you a drink. Bryce Ogilvie, of the law firm Ogilvie, Spofford, Crawford and Cohen, was dictating a highly complex reply to the Justice Departments antitrust division when his very private telephone line rang; it rang only at his desk. He picked up the phone, pressed the green button and spoke rapidly. Hold on, he ordered, looking up at his secretary . 

 

Oh.  Bryce's very private telephone.  Oh.  What happened next?!?!  What about Peter and his possibilities (for a neophyte, that is)?  Internet, you are torturing me.  I need closure, damnit.

 

Ache

Man, my back is killing me.  I can't believe I'm getting old [I'm 106 in two months!].  What is up with that?  I'm gonna go a massage.  Oh wait, I can't, because I'd knock out the masseuse.  Yeah, that's right....I'm one ticklish mofo.  It's a curse.  Tickling is a form of abuse.

I'm sorry Edgar.  I acted all tough.  I regret that now.  I'll miss you.
Veg cooking: Postpunk
Cool photos: urban camo
Very cool media instillation in a stairwell [via infoaesthetics]
Binth cards and note sets
Hey!  They finally went into actual production....my jimi wallet!
I love ties.  There it is.  And some of these are pretty rad.
Who doesn't like electronic music?  Oh yeah, lots of folks.  However, I'm not one of them.  Milieu is a pretty nice site full of ambient/electronic reviews.
Rockstar t-shirts and Salvor t-shirts
Blendie: Woman from MIT designed a unique blender.....awesome....you must watch the movie, I could not stop laughing.
At obsessiveconsumption.com you can see a sketch of this woman's Bank statements.....cool.
Beautiful underwater photos....which reminds me, has anyone seen the new imax underwater 3d thingy?  I hear its awesome...
How to silkscreen: here , here, and here
Is Woody Whitman for real?  No, but it's kinda funny.
So, I never ended up buying Guitar Hero for the PS2....but I think I'm gonna have to get Accordion Hero
I hate having a charger for everything, i'm thinking about getting one of these gomadics.
Have you seen a picture of the newly discovered crustacian?  Yeah, I had one of those in my pubes...not cool.
Do you love chairs?  Yeah, I'll bet not as much as these folks....
This is possibly the coolest thing I've seen in a long long time.... LED bike spoke images
I like lights...and these are pretty rad light strings

An Open Letter to My Contact Lens Case

stupid contact lense case
Originally uploaded by puma1.

An Open Letter to my contact lens case,
How are you? Yeah, I know I just saw you an hour ago. Fine, I'll just get right to it. We need to talk. Now. I know you're probably really tired from being busy all night doing your job of holding my contacts, but this can't wait any longer.
Dude....what is going on? You just haven't been yourself recently. Look, I don't blame you at all for my jacked up right eye, I don't know what that is. But it's all the other stuff. Your left cap closing all funny, the leakage of lens solution all over the cabinet, the canoodling with my new Fusion razor (just remember, it's not the number of blades, it's how you use them).
But your latest offense was the worst. Where were you on Sunday night? Did you have plans? Could you have told me? I was travelling, I thought I could count on you. I guess I was just being naive.
I thought it was me at first, that I forgot you. I know I just got that snazzy new bathroom kit and was way too excited. But I got it for all of us...especially you. I was worried...did you fall in one of the dozen awesome compartments somewhere under the band aids from 1992 and the dusty condom? Did you perhaps fall out of the mesh lined, velcro secured extension pouch? I looked frantically, but couldn't find you...
But you weren't even there. You didn't even bother to show up....to your JOB. Everybody else was there. Nobody else thought that Sunday was their day off. Even Deoderant showed up, even though we've had problems on past occasions [...and between you and me, I think he has a drinking problem]. But you...you are the lynch-pin. There I was, with My Glasses perched on my head dumbfounded ...y'know, he was trying to make excuses for you...he's your closest friend but he knew he was useless without you. And I think it hurt My Contacts the most. You owe them the apology, not me.
So what was I left to do? I struggled to figure it out. I could've punished everyone by leaving My Contacts in...but nobody deserves to be overworked to pick up the slack for others. So, look at the photo. Embarassing. I Macgyver'd two drinking cones and a paper towel to do your job. Drinking cones, fucko. It makes me shudder to think about it now. The horror.
And do wanna know the worst part? Yeah, it was finding you all snuggled up in my comforter when I got home. Salt. in. the. wound. asshat.
You're fired. And I'm gonna replace you with that free floozy I purloined from the optometrist; and I'm always gonna have two with me. I can't trust your kind anymore without backup. You've ruined it for everyone. Maybe I'll convert you to a salt and pepper shaker. That'll learn ya.
I say Good Day to you, Sir.

NP

Alright...so NBC cracked down on the outside links to their movies....booooo on you NBC.
Here's the Natalie Portman Rap from this Saturday
http://www.nbc.com/Video/videos/snl_1439_natalieraps.shtml
And the lazy Sunday rap
http://www.nbc.com/Video/videos/snl_1432_narnia.shtml
word.

Bonobo Bride

Pssst....guess who has some extra time on his hands this morning?

 

Anyway, here is an article about the Bonobo devastation that is occurring in the Congo.  It included this little excerpt about the Bonobo lifestyle:

Bonobos are an icon for peace and love, the world's 'hippie chimps,"' said Sally Coxe of the Washington-based Bonobo Conservation Initiative. "To let them die off would be a catastrophe."

The animals are known for greeting rival groups with genital handshakes and sensual body rubs. Bonobo spats are swiftly settled -- often with a French kiss and a quick round of sex.

Dude, I don't know about you, but I've seen the same behavior in the bathroom of the local Dance club. 

[editor's note: was going to make a George Michael reference, but took the high road...apparently, that "high-road" leads to an even unfunnier punchline]

 

Twenty-Fourgasm

I cannot for the life of me remember where I heard somebody use that phrase, my props to whomever that was...Excuse me, correction, my Mad Props, to them.  But get ready for Tonights TWO HOUR episode!  I'm gonna wear some Depends undergarments because I am SURE to shit myself at least three times...

and I just saw this awesome googlemaps/wayfarer map of Jack's locations mapped out for this season; great idea.

Link-o-rhea

Alright, I haven't put any good links up in a while, and I grow weary of my own unwitty banter (I swear this blog used to be interesting to read...no really....blogger must have totally lost the archive of all those super interesting and clever posts...)

 

-They did it again:  So, I loved Lazy Sunday...and they do it again with Natalie Portman...hilarious rap from SNL. 

-Awesome little trick: write a letter and send it as it's own envelope without cutting or gluing; it's all held together by the stamp!  Pretty rad.  I wish I had friends to write to.

-Future Green - The opening of D.C.s first eco-friendly store.  Enjoy, hippies.

-Hey Dude, when we go to Turkey, we totally have to check this family out.  They've decided to walk on all fours.

-I always wanted one of these secret book safes....now I'm torn about destroying a book for it.   Perhaps if I can find Ann Coulter's books in a trashbin somewhere....except that's the first place that crooks go...

-Similarly, a notebook with a pen holder right inside.

-And similarly, a book light...a book that lights up on your bookshelf...not so practical but cool idea.

-Is this fish training school site for rills?  I can get eldon to poop on command, that's about it.

-It's no secret...I loves me some crazy breakdancing.  These korean guys are pretty rad, they do some awesome handspins that I've never seen before...nuff said, just watch it. [googlevideo]

-Similarly, the smithsonian is collecting hip hop memorabilia...does this mean hip hop is dead?  I'm gonna submit my "Breakin" cardboard square.

-Controversial Photo: x-rated b-ball?  Check this pic out...do you see something you shouldn't?  The editors of the paper say no, everyone else on the planet says yes.  [hint: look at #1's #1.  Gives new meaning to the term "throwing up the long ball"].  In a completely unrelated turn of events, that guy is now the most popular man in the country.

 

 

Manimal Magnetism

Y'know, it has recently occurred to me that I have this stange sort of magnetism.  A certain type of people are just drawn to me.  They must smell it on me and instantly know to come to me.  That's right.  I have a magnetism for Douchebags.  At every concert I go to, I will stand in a certain area and the most obnoxious fella will decide to stand next to me....sharing his beer with my shirt and shoes.  I don't know what it is about me, but douchebags just lurv me.  Someday this will get me something good. Someday.

Stow Snorm

[sigh] another four inches of snow here.  I think the worst part is that I have to clean off my car.  Boooo.  I cannot wait for this winter shit to be done.  When am I gonna get to put on my hot pink spandex bodysuit and bandana and rollerblade around this town blaring Ratt on my kickass boombox?  Answer me that.  Answer. Me. That.

I shit you not...

My housemate is downstairs singing along to his favorite toons....pantomiming playing my guitar to the classics....as he usually does.  However, I shit you not, he just dedicated a song to the victims of hurricane Katrina and has been talking to the crowd, thanking them for coming to "the show".  I gotta get this on tape....

Belt Guy

Crap.  It's official.  In another installment of "That Guy"....todays episode: Belt doohickies.  As I sit here typing, I realize that I had five things hanging from my belt at one point this morning.  And each one of them is eating a little piece of my soul.  How did this happen?  where did I go wrong?  I used to have nothing dangling from my belt....it was doohickyless....honest!  [though, I cannot completely confess to doodadlessness].   

This morning, upon arrival, I had:

-two pagers (TWO)

-a cell phone (that goes with the extra pager)  

-an Ipod (it was just convenient for walking in, okay?)

-my PDA (also for shear lack of pocket space....my pockets are full of balled up kleenexes and gloves....yeah, I know, grody...but it's still winter here, get off my nuts)

-my keys (also there briefly, I need easy access to them for multiple doors)

I know...it's shamefull.  I never thought I'd be "that guy".  Dang. 

In my defense, however:  I was wearing all of this under a winter coat, not free and in the open for all to see.  The belt clipped cell phone and extra pager are just for a project that I'm on.  The ipod was only there temporarily and my PDA also gets redistributed to another pocket.  I swear it was just a temporary condition...I SWEAR.  Ugh.  I know.  Just add it to my file.  Maybe I'll get a cupholder for it...

Rubicon

Ugh....this week is neverending....completely unendurable.  I have spent so much time at work that I don't even remember where I live....actually, I was never quite sure anyway....always wary that my key wouldn't fit one day at the house I went to after work.  Have I ever mentioned that my mom dropped me alot when I was a pup?  Yep, semi-professional juggler by trade, she was.  And by "semi," I mean "shitty".

Question

So, I'm unfortunately busier than expected and haven't been able to write anything worthwhile.  However, I did have a question about something....i've always lived by the "rule" that you should turn your engine off while filling up with gas.  Is that legit?  It seems like a reasonable thing to do, but is it necessary?  Cuz if it is, there is one dude in this town that is gonna have a really bad day reaaal soon.