Insulted

Dear Trick or Treaters,

How are you? I hope you are doing well. I hope you are having a devilishly good halloween! heh, heh. I'll bet you're all having fun, you boys and ghouls. Heh. Let's hope you don't get molested by someone dressed like a vampire. Cough...ahem. Sorry.
Well, it's halloween night! I see all of you scampering around in your cute little costumes! Don't forget to brush after all that candy! Erm, well....I assume you are getting candy from somewhere....since you aren't coming to our house to get it.....
No, no, don't worry about it. It's not like I rushed out of work as quick as I could. And I didn't stop at a local supermarket to get gouged for ridiculously high priced candy (seriously?!? eight bucks for dum-dum butterscotch and "mystery"lollipops? (which are all butterscotch). And no, I didn't put on a cursory "mechanic" costume because I didn't want to be labeled "square" or whatever you kids are calling it these days (the neighborhood kids are fond of yelling "narc" at me, is that the new slang for "nerd"?). Oh, and no, I didn't postpone working on my very important projects so that I could sit downstairs and wait for you.
And that's what I did....sat there and waited. For three hours I sat there waiting. It was like high school all over again. Oh, I know you were near, I could hear your giddy little giggles and footsteps in the street. You went to our neighbors house, with their frank lloyd wright woodworking, beautiful house lights, and their lit up jack o' lanterns. Oh sure. If you're into conventional halloween fare, then go ahead right on over there. However, if you want the authentic halloween "There is Likely a Dead Body and a Molester Down There" vibe, then why didn't you kids come to our house? I mean, really, I had piles of roofie-less candy; delicious, roofie-less candy. And that smell wasn't a rotting corpse...well, I'm not sure what that smell is, but probably not a rotting corpse. It's innocent, see? And we have AUTHENTIC cobwebs and giant spiders! What do you want from us? Or were we finally put on that damn sex-offenders website?

The view of our house from the street. See? not tremendously creepy at all. It almost doesn't look like it's getting swallowed into the depths of hell. What's that you say? Yeah, sure, a house light would have been helpful. And less screams, sure. Oh just shut up, Martha Stewart; hindsight is twenty-twenty, isn't it?