Lost Precis: Season 3 episode 1: A Tale of Two Cities

Lost is back!  Exciting?  Yes.  Infuriating?  Yes.
So, here it is, the synopsis of the first episode of the new season:
It starts out with Petula Clarke and a book club.  Fuck, I didn't know desperate housewives was on tonight?  Oh wait, earthquake....oh, it's a plane crash...oceanic 815?  Yep, yawn.  Oh look, Henry Gale from last season being all bitchy again....sweet.  And apparently they've done this before....he's barking orders before the plane even hits the ground.  Pan out to see the "others" living in the middle of the forest....gasp!
Alright, the rest of the episode is Jack flashing back to his annoying ass previous life.  I'll summarize the rest of those flashbacks: I NEED TO KNOW THE NAME OF THE MAN THAT IS SLEEPING WITH MY SOON-TO-BE EX-WIFE?  WHA? MY DAD?!?  I HATE YOU DADDY!
Jack wakes up in some sort of holding cell....yanking his chain....repeatedly.  Gross metaphor.  Anywho, I'll also summarize the Jack-in-the-present part:  KATE! WHERE ARE YOU?  WHY AM I HERE?  YOU WON'T BREAK ME!  I'M GOING TO OPEN THIS DOOR AND CAUSE A CATASTROPHE EVEN THOUGH I'VE BEEN WARNED!  OOPS!  OH, YOU SAVED ME.  OKAY, YOU BROKE ME, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
Kate's is better:  She has a shower and then is "forced" to wear a totally hot dress....then blah blah blah....oh yeah, she puts handcuffs on, too.  Rawr.  Then gets told "it's going to be a terrible two weeks". 
Cut to Sawyer in a giant panda cage.  He spends most of the episode figuring out the food dispenser.  Then the asshat in the next cell opens up his cell and tells sawyer to run and don't stop.  Well, of course, he DOES stop and gets his ass tazered by the same woman that's torturing Jack.  Anyway, he gets put back in his cell, wins a fish biscuit, and then sees Kate put in the cell across from him.  He...and his dimples....ask Kate if she wants some fish cookie (not a metaphor)....she does, and they share a tender moment.
Then, after Jack is broken, we see "Henry" say "Thanks, Juliet" and she says "Thanks, Ben". 
But she totally doesn't mean it.