These Tears of Laughter

So, I wasn't able to be with my family this Christmas, but talked to them early this morning.  Initially I was completely depressed after my four year old cousin begged me to drive back home to see her (I actually considered making the nine hour drive since she's the only woman in the world that actually wants to see me).  However, I could not stop laughing after my sister told me what my mom got her for Christmas.  I had told my mom that I was reading this good book by Malcolm Gladwell and that my sister would enjoy it.  So to my sister's surprise, she unwrapped a wonderful new copy of "Bling"   Close enough, moms.

Saddest Quo

Man, it's kind of sad when you come home on Christmas morning to find one of your rommates sitting alone in the twilight of a winter's day watching "Terms of Endearment".  Where's my hemlock?

Oh Crap!

Hey, merry almost christmas, yo!!!  I totally forgot that I will be at my friends place in Chicago tonight! How the fuck is Santa gonna know where I am?!?!?  Somebody got his celly number?  How's he gonna know where to deliver this?!?!? (NSFW)

You can't out-ninj a ninja, dawg

So, I may have been super sleep deprived and I may have been half asleep. But, dude, do not even try to sneak up on me....cuz I will pounce on you like a CAT...a ROBOT NINJA PIRATE CAT. For Rills [I can't stop saying it].

Lady Lumps

If I hear the phrase "lovely lady lumps" in the near future, I'm pretty sure that my head will implode.  Damn you, Black Eyed Peas, damn you to H-E-double hockey sticks (i'm sitting next to a mormon).  That damn song ["my humps"] is in my friggin head and I can't get it out.  No rendition of "Private Dancer" will push it out.  It will be the death of me soon.  For the record, I have previously stated that if I had a time machine, I would either prevent the killing of Abraham Lincoln or stop the duel of Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton (have you seen the ten dollar bill? a shame to waste such great hair).  However, let it be known that I now realize that I use the time machine to stop "My humps" from being recorded....and also prevent the rise and domination of Andy Dick, of course.

 

And by the way, it's incorrect to say "I'm in a smoking sensation program" asshat, it's "smoking CESSATION"...though prolly not as fun.

Bruised

Ugh.  Long night.  And for the first time in approximately thirty years, I have bruised.  I've broken my nose before, I've gotten into fights (i initially typed "gotten my ass kicked" but that sounds way less cool than this), I've played contact sports (poorly), I've snowboarded [on my face], blah blah blah...but I have never once bruised.   That is until last night....I wonder if my finger is broken...regardless, my "pinky" is doing double time this morning to make up for the wounded "ringless finger"....and it keeps wanting to replace "o's" with "p's"....I guess I'm not down with " O.P.P." today and typing the word "poop" is completely out of the question....it also seems that I confused everyone this morning when I told them I ate "patmeal" for breakfast.  Why I'm changing "o's" for "p's" verbally is beyond me.

All Ashy

For some reason, my tie is ridiculously tight this morning...yes, yes, I have tried to loosen it but it looks like crap then..."form before function", I always say.  And my skin is ridiculously dry this morning.  gross.  Crap, my office-mate is here.  I have to pretend to be working.

 

By the way, did my roommate ever come home last night?  I don't think so, unless he came in after eleven and left before 5:30.  If he was "makin bacon" that'd be great, I would actually applaud that (or "Makin Seitan" for the vegetarians).  However, I think more likely explanation is that his work is keeping there for ungodly hours.  Thank goodness I'm lazy.

Repressed in the Midwest

 Hey anybody have any new years resolutions?  Anything super great happen this past year?  Any good stories?  Good albums? good books?  um...good ....fortune cookies?  Should we have a new years party?  Have your new years always sucked, too?
Yeah, I'm bored.  Sorry.

a Whole Lotta Lynxies:
-Really cool "pixelated" serving dishes and plates
-What were the top searches of 2005?  I thought it would be Katrina or something....y'know what?  The real answer depresses me.
-The 100 best (whoa, almost wrote breast, where's my head?) wines of 2005.
-Nobody reads your blog?  Yeah, me neither.  Wanna make it look like they do?  Well, hire these guys to write fake posts for you.  Y'know, you're only cheating yourselves.
-Life imitates art: movie "3-iron" about a man that breaks in and fixes things instead of stealing; actually happened recently in Beijing...except slightly more perverted.  (haven't seen 3 iron yet, but the trailers looked really interesting)
-Lolita at 50 - still shocking? Slate.com article about whether this classic novel still is capable of causing a stir.  I'm reading it now and like it; unfortunately it's taken a backburner to a million other things.
-Hijinks at my sorta alma-mater: during finals week, two guys dressed up like pac man characters and paraded through the library (UGLi) and computer lab (the fishbowl).  Pretty funny, kinda annoying.  I got kicked out of the fishbowl for throwing erasers at my friend.  He started it.  jerk.
-Apparently, humans don't understand mirrors.  I read the article...and I guess I don't understand mirrors, either.  It makes it sound like "Humans don't understand it" but monkeys, fish, cats, slugs, etc. all understand it and now we're the laughing stock of the animal kingdom...stupid science jerks making us feel bad about ourselves.
-Hey my roommate and I just tried this flashlight photobox...except mine was just holding a piece of printer paper in front of the light....theirs is a little more complex.  Did I mention we are morons?
-Are you tired of just balling your napkins up before a meal? Well learn how to fold 'em all fancy-like here.
-Man truly is the king of beasts...the paragon of all animals.  A ten bird roast .  Gross. I'm gonna become a vegetarian.
-Huh, seems kinda strange to me...Game where you fight a colossal woman....Does that say breast data acquisition?!?!?
-Really love fonts?  Yeah, well tell the world that Helvetica kicks Arials ass with these font hoodies.
-Sexiest Geeks of 2005 (not fully sfw).  Xeni made it, without a doubt.  Huh, imagine that, I'm not on the list.  I also like violet's list of podcasts
-Apparently, cock soup is popular....along with Barfy meet patties (which reminds of this site, that has a million hilarious "engrish" products)
-So, as stated before, I love year end lists...yeah, yeah, I know everyone hates them and the same shit is said over and over....but they make me feel superior to the poor schlub that made the list.  However, this "best of 2005" list intrigued me cuz I'm not actually sure it's a "best of" lst but may actually be ALL the albums released this year. 
-And Pitchfork's top 50!

Solstice

sidewalk
Originally uploaded by puma1.

yeah, i kinda feel like the expression on this sidewalk sculptures face. Except with waaaay more rage.
Today kinda blew because I've decided everybody at work is lazy. No, that is not a sweeping statement; you'd totally agree with me if you knew the people at my work.

Though, the funniest statement of the day was "WHAT?!?!? Elton John is GAY?!?"

Self Esteem

One of my supervisors was working with me today.  She's great and alot of fun, but she's in her 70s and says EXACTLY what she's thinking....often lacking tact or sensitivity....usually at my expense....and today was no different.  We were talking to one of our clients who had recently grown a beard.  And granted, it did look
bad.  So she asks "What the hell is that?" and he explains that it's cold outside and he works outside alot, so the beard helps.  And then she says "Okay, I'll accept that" and then she turns to me and asks "So, then what's your excuse?"  Thanks boss, that's exactly what I needed.
Links:
.-I hate the Salon.com day pass...I end up just naviagating away; I used to read salon religiously, but I haven't read it in months.  Way to go.  No link, just thought I'd let you know I hate it.
-This seems like a bad idea...and a great party.
-Cool, I can finally BE Tron.
-Really bad name for soup

Always an Honor Coming from You

An open letter to Bill O' Reilly,

What is your problem?  Yeah, yeah, I know you specialize in being a jackoff, that's how you get your fame.  I'm fine with that.  No, what I'm asking is...what is your problem with ME specifically?  If you wanna tustle, I'll tustle.  But why you gotta mess wid my shit behind my back?  You knew I'd hear about.  What?  Oh, act like you don't know what I'm talking about, wus.  First you make fun of my home town last week:

From Saginaw TV 5

 In Saginaw, Michigan, the township opposes red and green clothing on anyone. [Laughing] In Saginaw Township, they basically said, anybody, we don't want you to wear red or green. I would dress up head to toe in red to green if I were in Saginaw, Michigan.

What the hell?  Yeah asshat, I would like to see you dressed in red and green prancing around the 'Naw.  They ban those colors cuz red and green are gang colors, byotch.  Well, no, that's not true....see?  I know the difference between fact and fiction.  Learn from me, O'Reilly.  But then you turn around and insult my current town:

From the December 13 edition of Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor. (the followup comments from mediamatters is even funnier)

O'REILLY: All right, well, listen, Jackson, we respect your opinion, but you're dead wrong on this one. Now --

BAIN: Well, maybe.

O'REILLY: -- in the South, Richmond Times[-Dispatch], for example.

BAIN: Right.

O'REILLY: Now, this is a conservative city, Richmond. I mean, this is not Madison, Wisconsin, where you expect those people to be communing with Satan up there in the Madison, Wisconsin, media.

BAIN: Sure.

Um...alright.  Neither of these make any sense to me....are you sure you don't smoke crack?

Rude shower

I came home today to this message in our shower. I guess our shower is pissed at us. I may or may not have added the "chubs" part, but you know it meant it. Anyway, this is what it looked like from downstairs....gross.

Must be Really Good Chips

Watching the news (!) over breakfast (!!), there was a story about a local robbery.  In the local station's desire to make everything seem important, they had a split screen with the newscaster on one side and bullet points on the other.  The "important" bullet points were as follows:

-Robbery at Jimmi Johns, 2803 University Ave

-Employees Tied up at gunpoint

-Safe not opened

-Chips Stolen

I can only imagine the sorry state of affairs when those robbers are at home, wiping the barbecue residue onto their "Thievin' pants".

Secret Blogs

So, I was over at Kottke.org reading his posts when I stumbled across a post about secret blogs.  He says there are a remarkably high number of people that post to their secret blogs.  And somewhat surprisingly, is the immensely personal things they put on their blogs.  [i say surprising due to the nature of the blog that anyone can stumble on to].  I myself have I think 6 (!) blogs/wikis...but most of them lie dormant...waiting for bloggermaggedon when this site shuts down.  And the other one is discuss my deepest, darkest secrets.  You're tortured, aren't you?  [well, it's not here or here, that's for sure] [NSFW]

SNL Sketch: Chronicles of Narnia sketch.  Chris Parnell's raps are the funniest ever, and this one does not disappoint.  Thanks B for showing me this.
SNL Sketch: The Woomba
pretty rad: print a picture on a geranium leaf....really old school photography.

Wasn't there a 'Different Strokes' episode about this?

So today work wasn't that bad...I was actually able to sneak out 20 minutes early....small victories.  And when I got home, I thought I would make myself a snack; pita and hummous.  I decided to toast my pita in the oven and put it in.  I was pouring myself some water and the doorbell rang.  Uh oh, who's that?  This guy wearing workboots is there; I open the inside door as he opens the outside door.  And he's just staring at me and starts moving forward.  Whoa, whoa, whoa chief!  Where do you think you're going [child molester]?  "Is there a shower in here?"  Um, yeah boss, but you can't use it.  "Your landlord told me to take a look at the leak"  Oh right, well I guess you can come in.  You ask where it's leaking to?  Well, I'd put my money on the HUGE GAPING HOLE IN THE CEILING.  Okay, let's take a look at the shower stall upstairs.  No, I agree, no obvious place we could find either.  Alright, I'll turn on the water and we'll see if it leeks through the ceiling.  No luck, huh?  Say what?!?  You want me to get in the shower to see if weight makes a difference.....um, okay....hey, wait a minute, this kinda skeezes me out.  You're not gonna have me re-enact Tarzan are you?  gross.  Alright, well, that seems to have done the trick, a bunch of water came down.  Oh, you're gonna come back tomorrow to try and fix it.  Super.  See ya later.  I still feel dirty.
Does anyone reading this see a problem with this story?  No?  Yeah, I didn't either; kinda creepy, but not much else.  That is, until I turned around and saw BLACK SMOKE BILLOWING FROM THE OVEN FROM THE CHARRED PITA.  For fuck sake.

Issues

Today has gotten off to a strange start:

1) I'm still cleaning off pieces of apple that I spit out after taking a big bite out of it and finding that it was disgustingly mealy.  yuck.

2) I went to dinner at some friends house last night; their dog is adorable but I'm terribly allergic and am still having trouble breathing...i'm gonna O.D. on albuterol soon...

3) You know when you have to go to the bathroom really bad, and just barely make it to the bathroom?  Yeah, that happened this morning...with the added stress of realizing, at the last second, that I was wearing long-johns as an extra layer to wrestle with.  Close call.  Pshew.  I truly live a hard life.  I'm surprised I made it out of the fourth grade.

Walking in a Winter Hinterland

My goodness is it cold outside.  They said it was -4F WITHOUT windchill...brrrr.  The high today said "0's"....is that a range?  I'm not familiar with that scale, it must have been after differential equations in college math.  All I know is that I think I froze off my babymakers...they're somewhere in the driveway, I think....I hope I didn't run one of them over.

 

Links:

-The Longest Palindrome.  Also, a kick ass wikipedia entry on palindromes.  Though not the movie "Palindromes" which I heard was disturbing and right up my alley...maybe sometime this week?

- Gross Abuse: Drug companies flocking to India to conduct trials, likely recruiting poorly informed subjects

-Hilarious Santa Hack: some guy bought a 50 dollar singing/dancing santa from walmart and hacked it to change it into a drunk santa

Rage

alright, so I put a bunch of links in a post earlier this evening....and in all of its glory, a million copies showed up as usual on this site. So I deleted all but one...or so I thought....because I think due to a lag, I deleted every copy of the post. Anyway, here's a half assed attempt to recoup the losses:

-Love your moleskin? Yeah, me too. Check out these moleskin mods
-Take great photos of holiday lights with these tips
-Big Balls, small brains - the sex lives of bats. I have no comment.
-Are you a jerk? Is your boyfriend a jerk? Have him read this. Don't know whether it's funny or sad.
-Open Letter to Lance: a humorous article that suggests some things to spice up Lance Armstrong's screenplay
-Daily Dancer: a programmer dancing to various songs. Funny. And the only time i will accept hearing "lovely lady lumps" without clawing my eyes out
-Make a multimedia movie: a how-to guide
-Google transit trip planner: pretty rad idea.
-Implanted brass nuckles: kinda creeps me out. I can just hear "No, your mother was a freakshow when she was younger and thought it would be crazy fun to implant all this fucked up shit under her skin; don't you be like her, little Timmy." Some of the other links are way more disturbing and definitely NSFW.
-Ever wonder how long after marriage Japanese brides cut the cheese? wonder no longer.
-Hey, did you misplace your foreskin? Yeah, me too! Well, now we don't have to be embarassed sporting one of these.
-Breaking News!: Crocs top elephants as biggest threat to Zimbabweans. Now, after thinking about your local news, don't you feel like a pussy?
-Have an ipod? Live in DC? - try these Slate Magazine monument tour podcasts
-Strange Brokeback Mt. Merchandise: Ride Jake

Lewis and Aslan?

Maybe I have the CS Lewis books on the brain since I saw the Chronicles of Narnia this past weekend. It was really good, I thought; somewhat cheesy, but I knew the story going in. But it seems that perhaps the line of fact and fiction are a little blurred for some people. Take the new nickel, for example....Lewis and Clark or is it the Dawn Treader? (well, okay, minus the sea serpent).

totally ranted out

Pshew! I'm completely ranted out! It's really remarkable how much I can whine. Yeah, I can go on all night long. But, I think that's enough for a while....at least for this weekend.