Holy Inappropriate, Batman

erm...i meant wholly inappropriate....I think I was just asked to be a donor for artificial insemination....at least I hope it was AI. 

 

Regardless, I feel dirty now. 

It would have made me feel better if she were hot. 

Now THAT's completely inappropriate. 

I know, I'm going to hell.

 

It's been a long time since I've written, but I'm almost in the clear and promise more entries in the coming weeks.  I swear. 

 

Time Magazine's top fifty web sites has a bunch of sites that I frequent daily (congrats dooce).  I'll try to find the link to it tonight or tomorrow.

Oh wait!  My cable is shutting down tomorrow and won't be set up in my new place for a while...dang.  I need to watch the start of the tour, too.  this blows.

okay, maybe no entries for a few days, cut me some slack.

 

Alright, a few more links:

 

Monkeys going ape shit:

http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/news/06262005_animal_booboo.html

 

Next up is world domination, way to go google:

http://earth.google.com/

 

So...um...was anyone going to tell me about this?:

http://www.hilton.com/en/hi/promotions/hi_unitedkingdom/index.jhtml?adld=unitedkingdom,redirect,21

 

I dare you to not yawn playing this game:

http://emilie.halgatewood.com/yawn1.html

 

I want this, why didn't they think of it sooner? A clock that you can set the alarm for each day individually.  brilliant.  http://www.americaninnovative.com/

Getting Ridiculous

Alright....so this is fucking crazy. It really is out of control. I was at work for the past day and a half to come home to seven....SEVEN....apartment showing notices on my door. What the fuck? My place is already rented, and there are no more like mine here. Fucking cheats. Do they expect me to be out of the apartment? Fuck that, that means I can't be here for most of this week....especially when I need to pack my shit up cuz they're makin me leave early. Cock smokers. Alright, that's war. I'm going to go buy the most offensive porn, oil up, and hang out here in a fucking thong. Fuckin rent my apartment now, beeyotches.

Battle Fatigue

Ugh. It's three in the morning. I've been working for almost 21 hours straight. My eyes are on fire. My tongue is thick and slow. My head is full of cotton. I can't think straight. I worry all the time that I'll make wrong decisions. I'm always worried that my decision would be clouded by fatigue. Tonight, it unfortunately was.

I have no idea what prompted me to buy anything named "fried jalepeno poppers" at three a.m. and wash it down with mountain dew. I want to die now.

Insomnia

What up yo?  It's my burfday and I'm sittin here at work.  sucks.  Though I did get peripherally involved in a fist fight, that's kinda fun and exciting....a little "happy birthday" shove...just like daddy used to do (kidding). 

For the first time in my life, I had real insomnia last night.  Yes, yes, I know; people with insomnia already know how horrible it is.  Usually I'm a "hit the pillow and out" kinda fella...hell, i don't even have to hit the pillow most times.  But last night I got myself all riled up about moving soon, all the paperwork i have to do, the massive amount of time i'll be at work; etc.  It was driving me CRAZY.  And as time went on....the more stressed I got about not getting sleep, the less sleep I got (look, leave me alone, it was new to me, alright?).  I tried all of my sleep tricks...you know, peruse my files from work, drink nyquill, read thoureau, do shots of tequila, and do that naughty thing that I do once in a while ....erm.... frequently.  Nothin worked.  Now, after TWO HOURS of crappy sleep, i'm supposed to be up for the next 36.  Just great.
 

Hey, This guy takes a nasty spill on his bike, it's painful to even look at:
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1399668.html

 

PET scans get a new meaning: Women are emotionless at orgasm.  It took science to figure that out?

 

Boy, I bet girl puppies would be alot more emotional around this fella, six legs and two penises.  way to go, freakshow.

 

The "Aww f*ck, i shoulda stayed in bed" award goes to these guys.

 

Great, a full moon for the week that i'm on the call the most out of the entire year.  Moon illusion

 

Lose friends with email: so...since I do almost every single one of these things....does that make me a genius or the biggest jackass ever.  please don't vote the way i think you'll vote, i'm fragile

 

My next purchase most likely: The Nikon D50...like the D70 but cheaper! and some other stuff, i know,  oh shut up already.

 

man i need to get that anniemal album, the hold steady, spoon, and the sleater kinney album.  Just here to remind myself.  Oh yeah, the Common album is pretty good.  And Radiohead's OK Computer was named the best album of the past 20 years!  Yikes!  Thom Yorke is going to have to eat his own face over that one.  (i don't know what that means, but it seems "Yorkian").  Bettie Serveert is coming to town soon, too! 

 

later
 

Don't Judge Me

Look, I'm close to moving. My place is disgusting right now, i haven't had time to clean and i'm in the middle of packing and pulling everything out of my closets and cabinets. Old shampoo bottles, my super-size q-tip container, cleaning supplies, old clothes, boxes, old computer stuff, etc. Everything is in plain sight. Everything.

Wait...is there somebody tapping on my door? What day is it? Oh fuck, they're showing my place today. Oops. Besides the fact that my place is gross, I'm listening to hip hop, watching the chapelle show where wayne brady was saying "am i gonna have to choke a bitch?". Great. And so as they walk in and we exchange embarrassed glances, I apologize for how messy it is. And I tidy up as they're walking around. Then I remember the mess upstairs. As they continue talking about the fixtures, trying to ignore the multitude of carry-out containers and mail all over the floor, I run upstairs. But they were done with downstairs and were right behind me. I throw my underwear into the closet, get my clothes from last night's indescretions into the hamper, and close my closet doors. But then I see it. Panic. They look at me, and then their eyes move to where i'm looking. Old lube and a Sam's club size box of old condoms. Shit. There was no humor in their eyes, mostly disappointment. Not even the faintest hint of interest even. Probably it was the dust on the box. Is there any way I'm gonna leave with any piece of dignity. Nope. Not a chance.

Unconventional

Man, today I am posting like a thing that posts alot. Today I overheard a guy at the coffee shop say "My mom is so great, she gives me unconventional love." Ummm...what the hell does that mean? I think he meant "unconditional" but this makes it more interesting. What is unconventional love anyway? Does she punch this guy in the face as her symbol of love? yeah, prolly.

Alright, I'll admit it, I have a huge crush on the American Apparel logo girl that i get in the pop-ups. I live a sad life.

Lynxes

I haven't had links in FOREVER, so go and explore the fucked up internet:

I think I may have posted this before, but I go back to it and think it's fairly funny. These are conversations overheard in new york that just proves how funny people are.

It's done. I'm makin a band and getting this thing and recording my own damn records. sweet.

Hey B. I know you like cars. Check this site out. it'll make you hard.

I like monkeys, i think they're smart and they fling poo, the best of both worlds. Some crazy ass dude is doing "research" giving jell-o and grapes to monkeys. I want in on that project.

Let's make some books byotch. another project i won't get to.

Pretty cool wall art. Of course, it'd be stressful to think of something cool to put on your wall. You can always put up "do some situps and wash your ass". RIP Tupac.

Awesome boom box. At-at bouncin with bass. And poor injured At-At, it's too cute.

Anil Dash had an article in the NY Times, check out the t-shirt in the picture down the page. Pretty damn funny, america does not (luckily) know what goatse is, let's hope they never do. for the kids sake.

Troxler fading: pretty cool little optical illusion.

I love art. Especially art that deals with menses. Keep the NEA alive.

Really interesting article about classical musicians and their love making styles. I teaching my kids piano, dawg.

Yo, these rings are kinda sad that they're necessary, but they're really cool looking. My lady needs these....oh wait.

Yo, I'd love this Katamari Cake. Cool.

Ewww....keep the seat....decidedly not lance porn.

So, even though my screen name is puma (another name for cougars), i'm not crazy for the brand puma (but, yeah, i think their stuff is pretty rad). What's even better is this catalog.
(it takes a while to load, but worth it kinda)

Beluga wales are just marshmallow with eyes. too damn cute, i want to eat em. i don't know why i thought of this now.

alright, later, i'm gonna go check out the mamas boys on j date.

Rave Chappelle

I just finished watching the second season of Chapelle show. Awesome. That guy is the funniest thing on TV (though I'm speculating, cuz i don't have tv). I don't think I've consistently laughed that hard in a long time. His show is ridiculously across the line, it's fantastic. I'm actually sad to be done watching it.

you crazy joe rogan

Happy Ending

Too much gin over the past two nights. It was actually pretty fun, but drinking for the sake of drinking should be left to the 20 year olds. I don't know what the hell happened the last two nights but people are just goin ape shit right now. Maybe they got the same hyperlibido problems that I got right now. Actually, I'm sure they do, it was unreal. No really, i'm not sure if it was real. People were standing on the benches in this place gettin their groove on. Pretty people doing dirty things.

God bless the young kids and their well oiled bodies.

Cocoon

Ugh, there are some days that I just don't want to get out of bed, today was definitely one of them. And on those days, I convince myself somehow that I need to stay in bed for some strange reason.
This morning I told myself that my comforter was going to be made into the wall of a large cocoon and it was not done incubating. Thus, if i left my bed, the cocoon would break. I'm apparently very concerned for the large larvae that would be occupying my comforter. What's more interesting, is that this argument to stay in bed seemed completely logical at the time. I think that means I'm completely crazy. Whatever, it bought me 30 more minutes of sleep. sucker.

Not in your hands

I continue to outdo myself.
Today, one of the women at work brought their daughter in. She was adorable and I carried her around work for a while. She was eating a mixture of M&Ms and cheerios in that sloppy "I have no motor skills yet" kind of way. After pretending to eat two slobberey M&Ms, I gave her back to her mom. I had to go anyway to get across town. Upon arrival at the office, I was pleased to find that these sticky bombs somehow attached to my person, warmed in my crotchular area for the car ride across town, then exploded into shrapnel of yellow and orange candy coating and greasy chocolate ALL OVER MY PANTS AND MY NEW CAR. Brilliant. Now it looks like I crapped myself. Great.
If you need me, I'll be cursing with my pants off in the bathroom.

For The Band

Thank you girl drummer
for your sublime bouncy breasts
makes me feel dirty

myopic

in a completely unrelated [not really] post to the previous depressing one....another depressing one. Do you know people? Boy, I sure do. They're all around! But how do we know this? Well, I for one know by using my eyes to see them [and unfortunately sometimes my nose to smell them]. I acknowledge them by talking to them, and if I care about them, sometimes I even think about them! Isn't that kinda cool? Yeah, I think so, too!

However, there are some people that have no fucking clue that other people exist. They are completely oblivious to other people, places, or things (yes, that's right, they're absolutely oblivious to nouns). They walk around in their own little world, having conversations to themselves, even when other people are involved. Have you ever tried to interject something that does not involve them or get them something? That's right...a blank stare, a blink, and then back to whatever is spinning in their obtuse little head. Oh my word, the world sure does spin around these people's axis. Where would we be without them? I don't know, but I'm sure they wouldn't give a shit if you were there or not.

You know the worst ones? The married ones. Yep, it's true [i know it may sting a little]. Because then you have two people that only think of themselves now in a little selfish pact that only they exist in. Fuckers. They judge you from their little selfish enclave because you are not them....oh wait....i'm sorry, they judge you from their sparkly new condos. And every communication with them is an exercise in futility. All they give a shit about is their smug ass suburban neighborhood, with their shitty ass craptastic dog, and their pretentious ass wine collection in the corny-ass wrought iron ivy piece-of-shit wine rack. What the hell is their problem? And they make their fucking plans for their smug ass dinner parties where they have clever conversation and discuss which shitty wine goes with what shitty cheese.
Wait....What the hell was I ranting about?
Oh yeah, these people forget that their selfish little decisions end up affecting everybody around them in ways that they can't fathom....because they're selfish ass-hats. They think they're so kind and caring; sure, they act the part until something doesn't go their way....then they fight and froth and whine (they call it being assertive).

So, if you fit the bill, just listen: The next time you make a decision, think about the other folks around you, because chances are one of them wants to stab you.

Rod Stewart Songs

Alright. I know it's been a long time since I've blogged. It's been busy here. Yeah, yeah, I know EVERYONE's busy but it's been busier than usual. And...I don't see you spending the time to blog....why not? Why should I take the time out of my day to entertain you? For once, why don't you EARN something. Instead of reading blogs, write one. Instead of flipping through pics online, why don't you take one? Instead of watching porn online, why don't you make one? (please forward all submissions to this blog; sorry, no stouties).

Anyway, today has been a very distracting day. I feel dirty even making jokes. And i'm sure you don't read this blog for finger wagging, tear jerking, and preaching (actually, nobody reads this blog, period.). But here it goes. I lost a friend last night in a car accident. I didn't know her well, but i knew her well enough. As people always are described with senseless events like this, she was smart, sweet, and kind. I guess you always have to say that, unfortunately, it's often true. I don't know what to do today really, it just is strange. I'm not devastated, but it's just so sad and senseless. It knocked the wind out of me. What a waste.

And, it's not like I'm any stranger to any of this. I've lost five close friends over the course of my life, and several peripheral acquaintances. In my job, I deal with death and dying literally almost every day. You'd think that I would be somewhat prepared for this kind of thing. But each time, it's a new wound. We treat deaths of others we don't know with such calculated callousness; we're supposed to be "professionals". We'll give the family a sad smile, a pat on the back, maybe a hug; we'll ask if there's anything else they need. Then, two minutes later, we're back to thinking about our ipod, lunch, or that hot little number you flirted with at the coffee shop. I've always told people that death is a natural part of the cycle of life; but when it's someone you know and love, all that is bullshit. I don't care that everyone dies and sometimes bad things just happen....you can use those lines with other chumps. All I can focus on is the fact that we lost someone that is so promising and who had such a bright future. All I can think about is her family who lost their precious daughter and sister. And for what? She fell asleep at the wheel driving back here to get to work. She probably worked too many hours, tried to stretch her day out too far, and paid the ultimate price. And here at work, we have to ignore the fact that we lost a friend and go on with business as usual; everyone rally to cover up the loss. Hmmm. I didn't want this to take a bitter turn, I just wanted therapeutic rambling (i'm good at that). But it just comes out that I AM bitter about the loss of time that we all experience. I AM bitter that this kind of shit happens. We are not invincible. We can lose anybody at any time. We are fragile and break too easily. And we never appreciate what we have until its gone. Alright, enough of this homily. I hope it doesn't sound trite, it's just raw right now. And goddamnit, if I ever have to hear rod stewart's "forever young" at a friend's funeral again, it will be waaaay too soon, and i will fucking gouge my eyes out.
Smoke em if you got em.
later.

Chip Shots

Have you ever been so sleepy that you fixate on it and realize that it's the greatest thing in your life? Why do we neglect it so much? Why can't you somehow make a living doing that? i want to make out with sleep....i want heavy petting with sleep. ("i'm so tired, i'd fuck a frisbee" to quote myself from a recent adventure at a Utica Super 8) crap, fatigue rambling is somehow even worse than my normal rambling. maybe i'll go crawl into mr. tanaka (my car) and take a secret nap.
my eyes are so heavy
my thoughts are thick and warm
sleep sounds so marvelous
where's that coffee?

abeyance

Hey folks.  So I'm at work now.  It's late.  I'm tired.  Things exploded today but not in a completely horrible way.  I'm still waiting for more business and can't decide if i should sleep or not.  okay. maybe i should.  There was this new theory that people should only go to bed when they're tired and wake up at a set amount of time.  Whatever, i'll try it, but it will never work.
My libido is going absolutely crazy this week and I have no time at all for it. It really has just got to stop.  I have no idea why, either.  I think I know that I don't have the time for anything else, so my body decides to torture me.  I really am my own worst enemy.  There's a line from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind that I was discussing with a friend today that is "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?".   The truth in that statement is hilarious to me.  I feel like we all put stock into interactions that didn't really happen and then completely miss the obvious signals.  Well, okay, maybe it's just me.  But usually, after people mull things over, process it through their own fucked up filters, and produce a final thought; the resemblance to reality may be only a single sliver.  Oops, gotta go.  Thanks for visiting.  I will hopefully be able to write more once I get me sea legs. 

Oh yeah, excerpts from washingtonienne's new novel.  I'm usually a fairly easy critic, maybe tonight i'm just cranky....but blech.

Gulag

Hey folks. Sorry for the paucity in posts. There are several reasons: Reason #1: For the life of me, I cannot get my home connection to work....the cable line seems to be working, the modem seems fine, the wifi transmitter seems fine, my computer seems to be getting the signal 5 by 5....but I can't get anything to work. It seems like like complete bullshit, to me. It's killing me....that's right, no random internet surfing, no news, no blogs, no email, no porn, no mindless flash games, no flickr, nuthin.... It's part of dante's fifth circle of hell. Now how am i supposed to hear that frog/axel-f ringtone from england? Actually, it's fine, because i'm too busy with reason #2 anyway.
Reason #2: my job blows.

Later.