The it guy

No, wait, that's wrong; i've never been the "it"guy. I mean to say "IT guy" [information technology] since whenever I go home, I am inundated with gadget-y requests. This time, I made my family write them down and give me their lists....mostly because I was too lazy to actually LISTEN to their requests [I was watching Bring it On, cut me some slack] but also in the hopes that they will see that their requests are ridiculous:
1) My Sister: who is only four years older than me and has to use computers on a daily basis...she should know everything that I know (my actual computer skills are marginal...as evident in this page) but she chooses not to...she's very smart, went to a high powered all women's school but apparently chooses to play the "i'm dumb" card...it kills me. Her list:
a) buy me a digital slr [subtext: I just bought myself a digital slr, she's jealous...she will have one before the end of the year]
b) buy me a new small digital camera [subtext: I bought her a canon sd400 two years ago, she abused it...hard...and now says it's broken...after further investigation, it seems the battery compartment is loose and she has no idea how to sync it to her computer....then I realize that she has lost the cable that attaches the camera to the computer (she doesn't have a card reader)....it's a key step....this is the SECOND time this has happened and the second ADDITIONAL cable I have given to her (three cables total)]
c) tell me how to sync to itunes [subtext: I bought her an iPod last year...LAST YEAR....and she is still struggling to sync it. The question "What happens in itunes when you plug in your ipod?" was met with a blank stare.
d) i have spyware, get rid of it [subtext: I bought and set this computer up last year for her, the firewall and antivirus have since lapsed subscription. Level of difficulty increase: she didn't bring her computer with her]
e) my printer doesn't print right, why?[subtext: she bought a great printer without consulting me, way to go! But it has eight ink cartridges...bad idea for her. I asked her when she changed the cartridges, she said last week. On further questioning, it was over nine months ago. I openly wept.
f) I set up wireless internet, how do I use it? [WTF?!?! How the hell did you do that? [please see above items for reason for disbelief]. Oh, right, "Bob" did it. Your secret boyfriend that you won't tell us is your boyfriend. I get it. You're 3X years old, grow up. And why don't you ask Bob all these dumbass questions?

2) Mom: very new to computers but is picking things up rapidly. It seems her impetus is keeping up with her friends....she cannot fall behind in the war of forwarding your kids stupid articles and jokes. I'll keep hers brief because she actually asked very reasonable questions and thought through possible solutions. Except for:
a) Why isn't the mouse working?[well, there could be a variety of reasons but the most likely is mechanical. You have a very bad habit of putting food down on the mouse pad, now there are crumbs all over the place. Gross. You yell at me for that anywhere else and the rest of your house is spotless, but apparently it's okay for you to do that only right here. Easy solution: stop eating here. Easier solution [and more likely]: get them an optical mouse.]

3) Dad: oh, dear dad. You SO want to learn everything about computers but don't use them at ALL in your daily life (mind boggling). Mom tells me that you fall asleep in front of your computer because you're too tired after work. I have the same problem, except for the fact that I'm lazy. You don't have time to learn how to use them, I understand; but you need to realize that even though you read about it, you don't need to know how to do it.
a) Why does my palm pilot make a beep every five minutes? [well, if you remember, for fun and example during the summer we decided to have an alarm alert you to your daughter's birthday....on October 26th....it's done, you can turn it off now.]
b) How do I print? [I know all the printer settings are confusing and the submenus are annoying; but if you understand how to do these basic things, you'll build your confidence and knowledge base; just keep practicing]
c) How do I type a letter? [hey, that's a good place to start, I'll leave sticky's on the desktop to tell you where to find microsoft word, etc.]
d) How do I make a powerpoint presentation? [ummm, lets start with the letter and practicing the save and print stuff first, okay?]
e) How do you compile a DVD of pictures we have taken so that you can watch it as a slideshow on the TV? [well, it's great that you're ambitious....again, let's work on the saving files, rearranging files, and syncing your palm]
f) Can we set up a repeater using a pringles can to boost our pre-n signal throughout the house? [who have you been talking to?!? stop that right now]
g) Oh yeah, and dad, the reason your battery keeps dying is because you jammed the power cord into the ethernet port; and it makes me wonder how you're able to turn it on at all. You'll never cease to amaze me.
sorry for the rant. It really was great to see my family again, and I'm sure they're already loading up on questions for the next time they see me.