Two more

ugh....haven't had time to write....umm, okay, another lie...i've just been too lazy....
so here's two more lies:
1) I'm pretty sure that's just a pimple
2) it's not contagious

Web

The Lies I have told thus far today (it's only 10AM):
1) Good Morning
2) I would be happy to help you
3) Everyone makes that mistake
4) That's interesting
5) I'm interested to know how that turns out
6) I feel the same way
7) No, I haven't been on hold for that long
8) You look great
9) No, I didn't see that in my mailbox
10) Thanks for bringing that to my attention

Regular

So, last night I went for drinks at place around town that I like.  The atmosphere is always chill and there's never a huge crowd.  Unfortunately, last night I also realize that I'm a regular.  On the one hand, it's kinda nice to be known....you know, kind of like cheers.  On the other hand, being known at a bar is kinda sad...you know, kind of like cheers.  But, now that I'm convinced that the wait-staff luvs me, i gotta go back....wait a minute....do  you think they're being nice for tips?  dang.

Yikes

so...ummmm....apparently I went ape shit yesterday. Everything is back on line and five by five. Sorry.

Sabbatical

Oops...I need to cease and desist apparently.


Hopefully I'll see you again.

Retraction

My sentiment from earlier seems to have been too harsh for normal human interaction. I will rescind the previous violent statement; I no longer want to "bury my thumbs in his eyes". I want to dry fuck his eye sockets.

Is that more palatable for you?

Seething

Grrrrrr.....I don't think I have been this furious for months. I am absolutely fuming right now. Today was a busy day before the fuck-up that was assigned as my partner decided this would be his FIFTH day off. That means he has taken off ONE QUARTER OF THIS ENTIRE MONTH along with every weekend. The rage I have right now knows no limit. I cannot wait to bury my thumbs in his eyes.

The Tain - Vol 5 - Potpourri

Dang...why did I pick the Tain as my template for these posts? Five things?!? Crap. I shoulda picked the seasons, or the Three Musketeers (yes, including D'Artagnan). How the hell am I supposed to come up with five things in one day?

Here it goes:

I went for a bike ride this morning and learned two things 1) I'm not as adventurous on my own 2) I do a horrible job of pacing myself (and cycling is the ONLY area where I have this problem). I also realize that i'm horrible about the "On Your Left!" routine since I scared an old woman into the street.

I'm excited for the "24" season finale; I'm not a die hard fan, like some people; but i can appreciate a great show. I wonder what the twist is going to be. Having watched alot of TV in my time, I will make a few predictions: 1) Jack and Marwan find out that they're actually married when they find an old wedding certificate with a typo that says "Marwan" instead of Jack's original high school sweatheart "Marian" (Scene: they're both looking at the paper, then eachother, then the camera and say "Wha?!?" in a classic "Sutherland Take") 2) This is all Jack's dream and Jack actually fell asleep on the job as a security officer at the Calgary Technical University (the other CTU). 3) Jack saves the world by challenging Marwan [and winning, of course] to an ice cream eating contest [Marwan's lactose intolerant!]; Hijinx ensues. 4) Similar to #2, for the last two hours of the 24 hours, Jack realizes he's fuckin tired and sleeps for the last two goddamn hours. Cutting edge tv as we hear Jack snoring, then the apocalypse at 23:59.
Whatever it is, it looks like 24 finally jumped the shark.

I was all proud of myself for being aware of pace while walking, and was doing a great job of it at first. But sometimes I stop paying attention and make little games for myself, like "let's see if i can span this entire square of sidewalk in one stride" I slip up once and immediately get pounced on. Geez, I'm sorry.

I am newly fond of snicker's marathon bars. They're really candy bars but because they put the words "Energy Bar" on them, it totally seems healthy. I've eaten six just today. Boy, I'm just chock-full of energy now. good night.

The Tain - Vol 4 - Dipsomaniac

Ugh. Drunk dudes make me weary. Last night was no different. We saw a fairly entertaining Dylan tribute band the other night and the High Noon. It was alot of fun, but as the show went on, the crowd around us got more and more drunk. Unfortunately, we were in the back...plenty of space for the drunk guys to sway and stagger. And sway and stagger they did. They swayed and staggered their litte drunk hearts outs. And when they were almost done, those little hearts were put out on their slobbered, dissheveled sleeves...as they proceeded to hit on our friends. Ugh. Painful. And Pathetic....yes, it deserves a capital "P". But our friends ate up all the attention. Even worse. So, despite all of our urging, we left them to get drooled on. I hope everything turned out okay, we're all adults, I guess....though some judgements may or may not have been affected by beer [with the associated goggles]. Have I said "ugh" yet?

The Tain - Vol 3 - Don't ever hesitate

In all my dealings, there seems to be one commonality: akwardness. It's never any big thing usually....just a culmination of a billion tiny things. Last night, though, I realized I'm not the only one that it affects. We were saying goodbye to some folks last night. I had just met them, so the half wave and handshake were perfectly fine for me (pshew). However, my friend knew them slightly better and had introduced me to them. A little more akward.
What's the protocol?
I used to be a "hugger". Everybody I would see that I knew would get a hug (usually women....cut me some slack, it's the only action i ever got). It made everybody feel loved and was just great. But, as my sexual repression increased along with the discomfort with other humans, the hugs stopped. For better or worse, I've become a "high-fiver".

Anyway, back to the story. So, my friend...we'll call him..."B. Ora"...no, no, that's too obvious...how about "Orabay"? Anyway, when it was time to say goodbye, Orabay had the hand shake out to her...good move...conservative but safe. However, as she took his hand...she had a left shoulder lean in. I saw it, it was real. I saw the fear in his eyes. He reached up for the handshake-hug combo. Then she hesitated! I gasped. A mixed signal! Damnit! She changed the rules during the maneuver! But it was too late...they had already committed. Oh no! With disdain, both of them gritted their teeth. The smell of shame and disgust was palpable. But Bora...erm...Orabay got the last word with a little pat on the back at the end. That's right, Orabay, you show her that you weren't beaten. Bravo.

The Tain - Vol 2 - The Party

So, we got the park site ready. It was a very cool space with picnic tables and a huge fireplace. You could almost convince yourself that you weren't in the heart of suburbia...almost. The fire was going great, the food was set out, and the frisbee was warmed up....but no guests of honor. Two hours later....and an hour after we finished dinner....J and P showed up. Oops. By that time, everyone was tired and kranky...alright, fine, we're ALWAYS tired and kranky. But they were great sports and it was fun to see them. Apparently Jem had been unleashed in an adult toy shop...bad idea. There were penises (?peni?) and testicles all over the place [not mine]. And at the end of the night, there were gifts given. The plush handcuffs and non-petroleum lube were fairly well accepted...the large light blue vibrator, however, was welcomed skeptically. It wasn't even a quality product like the jackrabbit or hitachi but i think that those may have been regarded with even more disdain....erm....ahem....i digress....

The Tain - Vol 1 - Afternoon Delight

No, no, not THAT kind of afternoon delight...you know me better than that (please see all previous posts). Yesterday it was my job to make some alcoholic drink for the bachelorette party. I decided to try Sangria....i love a good sangria but have never made it. Thank goodness for the internet, there were a million different recipes for sangria. Damn the internet, there were a million different recipes for sangria. So, I did what any normal human would do. I judged the sites based on looks alone. Bad fonts?...you're out. Broken links?....nope. Misspellings...uh uh. Yep, the American way. Judging books by their cover on a daily basis. Anyway, I decided to double the recipe....two bottles of wine. Turned out to be a good idea. Apples, oranges, lemons, brandy, wine, sugar, and one sweaty arm to stir it all up. So, yesterday afternoon, I would taste it...more sugar needed; another taste...more orange juice. Before I knew it, I was laying on the couch, completely buzzed....brilliant...it's 3:30pm. That fucker has a wiley way of sneaking up on you. Had to sober up before use of the frisbee.

The Tain

Since I feel like rambling today, I thought I would break up my posts into more manageable pieces. Taking a cue from an old Celtic poetry style (and the decemberists), I will break my posts up into five parts. Umm, yeah, look I don't have original thought....if i did, would i be doing this? I didn't think so, get off your high horse.

You Do Nothing, Write

 The clock is close....i can almost feel the spring breeze as I'm speeding home.  Friday's always feel like the last day of school, even when you have to work for the weekend.  I don't know if I hate my job, but I sure do love leaving it.  Um...correction...on some [most] days I hate my job....though, today is not one of them.   [though, in retrospect, it has been a fairly chaotic and emotional day....oh, who the fuck cares, it's friday]

 

ummm....i got nothing interesting to write about...or rather, i just want to get the hell out and can't think about what i should write.  I hope you all have a great weekend....i will probably see both of you in less than a few hours.  Do you guys maybe want to throw the frisbee around?

 

 

FRIDAY AFTERNOON POLL RESULTS:

Thank you all for answering the question!

 

A whopping 36% of you said gas prices (It surprised me, too!)

 

22% XBox vs Playstation at E3

 

7% Daylight savings time

 

7% Champagne

 

2% Prion disease (also a surprise)

 

1% Waitressing

 

1% Xenon

 

 

 

Friday Links:

photography from gov't institutions now at the smithsonian

http://www.americanhistory.si.edu/1896/index.htm

 

What's cuter: sure it's accepted that the cutest thing in the world would be a kitten riding a baby goat in a cowboy outfit.  But check out these kitten wars, they're almost too cute to call:

http://www.kittenwar.com/

 

Stop motion movie....we're doin it, I'll bring the glitter:

http://digitalmedia.oreilly.com/2005/05/18/timelapse.html

 

Bansky! You Pesky Coot!  He's dunnit agin!:

http://www.banksy.co.uk/pops/menu/britishmuseum.html

 

Rad Tag: is now my desktop

http://www.flickr.com/photos/klara/13176973/

Deluge

Two things on the way to work:

1) I saw a guy wearing a poncho sitting on the steps of a building this morning....when i looked closer, it was a barber shop and the guy seemed to be wearing the hair-guard apron thingies...you have to wonder if he brought his own, since the barber shop was closed.  strange.

 

2) In case any of the readership has a....oh, I don't know....mother visiting town; I did see one event that would be super fun that all mom's would like.  Two words: Parking Lot.  One more word: Carnival.  Nothing says "I love you Mom" like hurtling in circles over cement in a rusty deathtrap.  Unfortunately, the rain seems to be putting a damper on everything. 

There is a Bonsai tree expo at olbrich garden this Saturday which could be an alternate event.

 

There is also the worlds largest pillow fight in appleton this weekend....m-e-o-w. 

Mind Tricks

Alright, I'm a nerd, that's established. And I'm really excited for the new star wars...there it is. I'm not gonna stand in line for days, i'm not going dress up like the characters ('cuz dressing like Amydala under my work clothes is much harder than I thought) but I really need to see it before it leaves the theater. So, if any of the readership wants to see it sometime soon (though maybe not this weekend cuz of the crowds), let me know. Yoda is SO gonna be type-cast after these movies.

And maybe I'll make this blog somewhat useful and start puttin record reviews up...or I could just call you guys and tell which cds i like. Either way is fine, i got some great albums yesterday.

So, it's early right now. I'm ready to go to work, but don't want to go yet. This morning I realized that I have been hitting the snooze button for a FULL HOUR recently. Today, I decided not to snooze, and here I am....blogging in my underwear as the sun rises....great. So, either I have to get to bed earlier (as soon as i get home from work) or set my alarm for an hour earlier (0430am) yeah, that seems like a good idea, let's do that. NOTE TO ROOMMATES: I snooze, I booze, deal with it.

Hey girl, you wanna come over and meet my R2 unit?

Links:

I love America, and especially the American sense of time wastage: I'm sure you've wanted it, and here it is: people eating and crying...some of them are hilarious

You know it and I know it; the world is full of idiots and this proves it: Conversations overheard in New York

The real Indiana Jones is ready to find the lost ark this summer, no kidding. So, everybody prepare for your skin to melt.

A Cautionary Tale

A word of warning: the button in the upper right corner of this browser is EVIL. Do NOT press it under any circumstances! It may say "next blog" but what it means is "Portal to HELL".

So, I try to limit my browsing on the internet at work to a minimum. My posts are done via remote email account, my links are usually saved from the previous day or week; i don't think I've even logged into my blog at work. Well, that is until today.

A little preface. I work with Puritans. All of them. Well, except for the Amish-folk and the occasional Shaker. The water-cooler talk is ridiculously boring [Shamus: How doth this water spigot maketh the water so cold? It must be the devil! Samuel: Verily, brother, let us smote it!]. And the internet is known as the instrument of the devil. Actually, it prolly is; but for the sake of this argument, let's say it's not.

Anywho, because I work in this sterile place, i don't like to use the internet. Today, however, I somehow decide to look at this blog. It looks great, right? everything is so witty and I am just the greatest thing since sliced bread, right? right?!? So, as i sit there scrolling through the site, I realize that someone had "sidled" next to me and was looking over my shoulder. What the hell? get the fuck out of my personal space, beeyotch! So, in a panic, i press the "next blog" button.

PLAYBOY TV's GANGBANG BUS screams at me from the next page. Oh god, please kill me now. They acted like they didn't see....but i'm waiting for the security escort and the leg irons.....

To Lunch

Hey...have any of you seen my coworker? I figure you have a better chance of seeing him than I, since I am at work....apparently the last place I would expect to see him. So....maybe here's where the breakdown happened. He was off yesterday for interviews, hey that's legit, i'm down wid employment. But we had made a deal last week that I would be able to take my car in to get fixed [neutered] this afternoon. Now, I think here's where the breakdown happened. I used the word "afternoon" which in the original Old English definition means "after the noon hour". Then he used the phrase "yeah, absolutely, whatever you want, that's fine" which apparently in dickface language is translated to "that means i don't have to come in until after noon....sweet. chump." Man, I don't even want to hear about the various difficulties of travel, family life, moving, the job search, the new rash, etc. that I know he will regail me with to try to distract me from the fact that he is a no talent ass clown ho bag.

He is going to get such a beating


in my mind.

my fate is sealed

So, to pretty much make sure that i never am intimate with a female of my species; i will completely nerd out. I send a sincere thanks to the person that suggested "fontifier" to me, i checked it out; however, i think that a font of my handwriting would be like cloning GWB dropping a deuce on an orphan.....um....yeah... ...sorry....what i essentially meant was that "more of 'x' would not make the world a better place". However, I have a really kick ass font site for you to check out at http://fontleech.com/ , and if you go back through the archives they have some great font houses (including some really rawkin ones from Japan).

Darwinning

Where did i go so wrong? Most of the time I'm pretty pleased with myself for the most part; however, this morning was one of those times that I'm not quite sure where things went so poorly. I think perhaps it was that week in college that I wore my swimming trunks instead of underwear. Or perhaps it was the time I decided to use dishwashing detergent when i ran out of laundry detergent. No,maybe earlier, when I mixed hairspray, magnesium filings, and kerosene together and put them in my supersoaker [very cool, but bad idea]. No, probably it was the time I "accidently" got vaporub in places where vaporub should NOT be.

However, waking up at three thirty this morning on my weight bench has to be a particularly interesting turning point. Not too bad you say? No, I agree, just a little weird; i got too ambitious yesterday after a long day. No, that'd be fine, if that were it. But when I woke up, all groggy (it's three thirty, fer chrissakes) I felt odd. Hmm, strange sensation. Was it my back ache from sleeping on a board? Part of it, but something else.... I got up to go to the bathroom, but can't use it. I'm trying....but I can't. Slight panic. I can barely move my arms.

oh, i get it.....

brilliant.

I fell asleep on a ten inch board with my arms hanging off the sides with little circulation for a few hours.....

way to go.

Maybe let's escape into the internet with a few jumps, I've been neglecting them recently:

Popa Bawa : my nickname in high school - apparently it's the name of a bat-like molester in Zanzibar.....huh, maybe they should use vaporub

Doctors know things - well, at least that's what i like to think - a new york times article about doctor/patient relationships; i think it essentially says that doctors are better at guessing.

the Gumball 3000- Cannoonball Run comes alive - i think quentin tarantino and Daryl Hannah are racing one of the cars

For the Vegetarians: so...you think yer too good for hamburgers, huh? Well, maybe you'll change your mind after you read this blog about hamburgers

Super cool idea about secret wall art: I had a similar idea of writing things on rental car seat belts (you pull it out far, it will something like "hey fatty, lose some weight" [sorry it's mean] or "you don't want to know what happened in the seat you're strapping yourself into" Okay, this is much cooler than my idea.

The Big O (no, not overstock.com and their...umm....arousing ads)- Another NYT article; this one is about the usefullness of female orgasm evolutionarily. So, it ain't my fault, girl, if i can't make it happen, i mean i gots a billion years of evolution all up in my grill. I'm pretty sure that premature evacuation is an evolutionary advantage....which may be a problem for ....um....other dudes.

Photoshop tools for relationships: McSweeney gives a list of useful photoshop tools for a relationship....my favorite: blur more and undo.

Krump dancing - kickass looking documentary about a dancing style that ...came out of the LA riots?!!? whatever, it's pretty rad, yo.

Diane Arbus at the Met- she's great, so if you happen to be in new york this weekend, go see it.