State of the Onion

Dear Governor Kaine,

Thank you for giving the Democrat Response to the State of the Union Address tonight.  However, I'm a afraid to say that I heard not a word of it because I was scared.  Please lower your left eyebrow.  We were all waiting for it to crawl into your hairline.  The entire country is frightened.

Change

Alright, I really hate how my site looks....I mean SURE I could stop surfing the infosupernet for ten minutes and change it...but how is it gonna learn for itself?  Yeah, I tell ya', blogs today just have this sense of entitlement....

-awesome little video of a turntablist using cars as records and pedestrians as the fader, pretty clever.

-Chameleon: Does your dog start looking like you? (or vice versa)...yeah, apparently it happens to Brad Pitt...check it..

A funny cartoon from "A Softer World" (taken from Dooce).  I used to go to this website every week, but somehow completely forgot about it. funny, funny stuff.
 

Suck on it E! I can do your job better than you!  Here are the Academy Award nominees.  And those pants make you look fat.  Whore. [i dunno, I don't watch much E!, but I imagine that it's kinda like that, right?] Any guesses to winners? I'll post mine later.

Comeuppance

Today I had to get those damn 2 cent stamps because the postal service decided to wait until the DAY AFTER I bought a bunch of 37 cent stamps to announce the price increase.  So, I went to the little store at my work and asked for some of the stamps and she gave me a sheet of Navajo Jewelry stamps.  Her reaction was priceless when I said "Do you have any other stamps?  My father was killed by a Navajo warrior...you know, back in the day."  I don't think she likes me.

And karma just got me back, since I was just at my desk....sitting on my foot [absently minded, I kept my shoes on]....when I suddenly remembered....I HAD JUST POLISHED MY SHOES LAST NIGHT.  Dang.  Shoe polish everywhere.  I truly am an idiot.

Fate, you are a bitch.

How to get fired in two steps...

....Step 1: Play this addictive flickr based game (guess the tag faster than others)

....Step 2: Just keep playin....

Links:
-I've been trying to figure out how to make viewmaster reels forever...thanks internets
-Though I'm not a knitter myself, I appreciate the art of the craft....

Recapitulate

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!

 

I spent a majority of this weekend with my folks in Chicago.  My dad was there for a conference (remember, the breakdancing).  It was really interesting to see how my parents have changed as they've aged.  When we were younger, our vacations were wall to wall activities with little or no time to rest (my dad actually said to me when I was eight and tired from a long day "You can sleep when you're dead"...I hear it used all the time now, but back then I remember thinking it was a thinly veiled threat...not cool, dads).  Anyway, now, my parents seem to want to do little to nothing if it involves walking; we essentially were in the heart of Chicago and did not leave a one block radius from the hotel.  I guess their needs have changed.  However, as part of all this, we did get alot of great eating.  Overall it was a great time.  That is, despite the enormous amount of time spent talking about the two things that I cannot stand: 1) The loss of my cutthroat ambition (I used to be a Young Republican even(!)) and 2) My inability to supply my parents with grandchildren (apparently, there's a dermatologist's mother that's gunning for me).  Anyway, I'm back to work and have a shitty week ahead.  God bless my good attitude.

 

Links:

Great Article about the funniest newspaper this side of Pravda, The Onion ; with it's roots in Madison, but now out in NYC.  Quote of the articles "The absence of solid Midwestern comfort food has posed a challenge for the paper's art department, which requires a certain girthiness of many of the people who pose for the fake news photos.....[they] have resorted to photographing visiting Wisconsin relatives..."

Startled Return

Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking.  I log into my own blog to see a startling discovery...I apparently thought it was appropriate to leave for the weekend after an "off color" post.  Sorry about that.  To anyone that was offended, I'm sorry; but you lucked out, it can get much much worse.  Anyway, couldn't leave that as the top post, so here this is.  Time for bed already!  Good night.

Chocolate Factory

MAN ALIVE! I do NOT know what's going on this week, but I am just a pooping machine.  Hey Internets, are you happy now that you heard that?!?!  Oh, bless the technology that allows me to shout this to the world.  This truly is a remarkable time we live in. 
Alright, gonna go to Chicago today to chill with my folks; my dad is attending a breakdancing conference.  He's gonna get some crazy mad skillz this weekend.
 

annoying

Sorry I haven't blogged anything good this week; it's been a strangely busy week.  Today I have been in this really weird mood where I've been all...um...I can't think of a good descriptor....is there a better word than "cheesy"?  And the weirdest thing is that I know I'm doing it but can't stop myself.  Over-boisterous hello's, two hugs already this morning, a cluck of the tongue and shake of my head at a friend's personal mishap.  Perhaps it's Friday euphoria?  Whatever it is, it's a horrible sickness....I've said things I've never said before.  "Uh Oh, looks like you're in a pickle!" "Yeah! Why don't they call PCs "Personal Confusers"?!" (ala Leo Laporte) "Oh My goodness, she's as cute as a button!"....WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?  Soon, I'll be calling people "Little Stinkers" and have some sort of gingham on or something.  Kill me now.

 

Still Haven't Found...

So, full disclosure: I have a site meter.  And this site meter usually lays pretty dormant.  I'm sure if it had the capabilities of talking, it would say "Look pal, fuck off, it's just you that keeps looking at your own shitty page, asshat"  [Whoa, those site meters have foul mouths].  However, the one advantage is that it tells me what searches landed on my page....and for the past three days, these are the searches that have hit my page:

[in the quotes are the actual search terms that have hit on this site; the rest is my interpretation of what the "searcher" was thinking]

"Where do Cougars come from" -- aww shit, I got this stupid-ass blog. How am I gonna finish this damn report on "Cougars"?  I wish that jerk Ronald hadn't stolen my original topic "Stealth Bombers"; I hate that guy.  Alright, back to the search, gotta be more specific:

"Where do Cougars live in the world" Aww fuck, stupid blog again...screw this, I just wanna see cougar pictures...

"Pictures of Cougars in motion"   what the hell?!?  how did this asshole's site show up for this?  False advertising...just some pictures of drunks...Alright, this is useless,....maybe if I put a specific number of animals I wanna see...ain't nothin better than a jampile of cats...

"Over Thirty Cougars" What the hell?!?!? alright, I think the internet's broken....[ed. note: I do realize the alternate usage for cougars was likely what they meant here; see urban dictionary for a definition].....screw this, i'm turning to porn....

"Hot Honey Cougars" DAMNIT...the blog again.....fuck this, I'm converting to Islam....

"hijra" 

 I apologize to both the person that was doing the report on cougars and the person that was looking for religion....and anyone else that has stumbled on to this blog.  I owe you your time back....

 

Sorry about not posting more; have been SUPER busy over the past little bit....will try more perhaps this weekend?!?!?  Later....

 

 

 

Two Servings

So...just a question....does anyone know if V8 comes out of whites easily?  You know, like when you have a mouthful, then cough.....I'm not saying that it happened....because that would be completely ridiculous and idiotic...it's just something I'm puttin out there.... 

Lynx:

-Did I post this already?  McSweeney's take on a call from Matthew Barney and Bjork to Ikea

-Mcsweeney's play by play of a Four year old on a date; also, blog entries from a COBRA soldier (GI JOE) (yeah it's dorky, I never pretend not to be)

-Interesting article from Nature about Love and Humor....best quote:

he boils it down to a simple line of advice for the ladies: "If you're not interested in a guy then don't laugh at his jokes."

True Dat, yo....so, that's why nobody laughs, it's TOTALLY not because my jokes suck. Pshew.

-Very neat looking pictures from O. Barbieri using a tilt-shift lense (explained here).  It makes everything look eerily like a miniature model.

-Ever seen a fireworks factory explode.  Pretty rad.  [can't link to video for some reason, so here's the wiki page]

-Balls of mud that shine....hikaru dorodango....seems stupid but I can't wait to try it out...

-T-shirt of the day - I think my vegetarian friends need this one

-Good article on Allen Iverson (still repenting since I didn't recognize him on a shirt this weekend....maybe I would've if he had scored 81 points in a single game.  ouch) (unfortunately the article is from USA Today...blech)

- A little late on this, but have you seen these giant jellyfish?!?!  That's it, I'm never going into the water again.

-and these tiny guys were discovered in the swamps of sumatra

Oh my crap, actor Chris Penn found dead?!?!?

 

Have a good day.  Hopefully will have some time later....am a captive audience tonight here....

Back in Black

Alright, so I'm back in town from a great weekend in Washington D.C.  I'm sure I'll drone on and on about the weekend later, I just wanted to send my greetings out over the throbbing electrons.  On the plus side, I did hear some of the filthiest/most disturbing jokes I've heard in a long time over this weekend.  [Oh, don't worry, they're coming soon].  On the minus side, due to weather, I did have to spend an evening in an airport hotel...in Milwaukee...blech.  [actually, Milwaukee's not a bad town...I just have a really bad history with it].

Also of note, our broadband is running suspiciously slow....B, do you think we have a virus? [no, i already heard you have herpes, COMPUTER virus]....hope not, dropped the firewall accidentally this morning.  We will see....

Mr. Smith

Alright, so, I'll be away for a few days.....What?!?  Did I hear a cheer?!?  What the hell is that about? I mean, is it really so unendurable to read this blog?  Really? Why the hell do you do it?  Oh...masochists, huh?  Sure.  Well, it still hurts.

-dang: Sold out Gogol Bordello/Tegan & Sara at 930 tomorrow

-rest in peace Mr. W. Pickett

-double dang: gonna miss my flight

January Joiners

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, one of my roommates and I joined the gym last night (!).  I KNOW, it IS crazy.  Maybe I'll get off my fat ass [ed. note: this is also known as his "Ghetto Booty"] and get all ripped.  In fact, after working out last night, I'm kinda scared to flex....lest I rip my shirt.  So, which number do you think will be higher:  1) The number of people I tell that I just rejoined the gym or 2) The number of days that I actually work out.  Yeah, I know, it's a no brainer.

Tap dance

I just got new work shoes this week.  Woohoo!  Except they're super stiff and make me walk all funny.  Boo!  Instead of one click as I'm stepping down the tiled hallway, I have a series of clicks and taps as my feet roll through a variety of positions they have never been in before.  If there were any chance that I could regain my dignity, my fucked up gait has made sure that it's not gonna happen today.  Well, at least I'm glad I don't have to wear high heels (in public).

links

 

-Whoa!  I thought I was an asshole: you can apparently by Vincent Gallo's sperm on his web site....yeah, that's shitty enough, however, the text under it is apparently supposed to offend every single group on the planet....you did a great job vince, way to go.

-Hey, ever been asked in an interview "Where do you see yourself in Five years?"  Well, be able to tell them exactly, with this five year planner  ....but you better be prepared to not get the job if you turn to the page only to find "Eat more Doritos" written there.

-Hey, you think cuteoverload.com is cute?  Do you tell your boyfriend you have a headache, but are really watching the butterstick pandacam?  Do you think of Butterstick while making love?  If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you will shit yourself when you see this

-you better go clean yourself up.

Poor Guy

Look, I dislike Cheney as much as the next guy but i do kind of feel bad for him in this picture from the AP.  It seems he's wearing 2 different shoes.  Now, that'd be funny if it was your jerkly vice president....oh wait, he is....but it seems like something that my dad will do in the not so distant future and makes me feel protective of him.  You wear what you want you want to Dick, we all know that Girls just want to have fun.

Who likes photoshop?

Oh yeah, I'm the one that likes photoshop.  "Why?" you may ask?  Well, mostly because working with photoshop is almost exactly the OPPOSITE of the work I do in my job...which is cleaning owl poop out of church organs.  You'd be surprised how busy I get...and how nasty owl poo is.  They're always like "Who? Who?" and I'm all like "You know bloody well "who", you disgusting diseased little poo-bags".  Maybe I need to eat something now, I think I'm hypoglycemic....

-Photoshop word montage thingy

-Photoshop ghost dude tutorial

-Apparently there are two types of laughter: I haven't read the article yet, but I think the types are laughter when something is funny; and there's the laugh of discomfort and pity...y'know the kind you get when you're reading this blog...no, wait, that's rage...i always misinterpret that...sorry

-"just say yes" a woman that didn't refuse a request for a date...150 dates later, she got a husband!...and multiple STDs.  I tried this same tactic and all I got was a broken jaw and my kidney stolen.  go figure.

Narcolepsy

Man, last night I was ridiculously tired (probably from the stupidity of this weekend, no doubt).  And, the genius that I am, decided to finish my work in my bedroom.  Now, the key point is that I no longer have a desk in my bedroom.  Which means that I was doing my work....that's right...on my bed....brilliant.  I'm not sure if an entire minute of work was even done, I don't quite recall.  The next thing I remember, my roommate asks me why my light was still on.  I open my eyes, and it seems that everything is covered in vaseline....oh right, fell asleep with my contacts in.  dang. 

Now I have to hand back my student's projects with a big drool mark in the middle of the page.  Awesome.  Setting a really great example.  Maybe I'll spill some coffee on them to cover it up...  Great start to a new day. 

 

links:

-I'm trying to decide whether I should take a frame-making night course at the local college, or if I should just start using American Frame Company .  Ehh...forget it, I'll just glue that Monet to the wall.

-To continue with Panda related news, I love this t-shirt from threadless that I saw on wonkette (can't find the actual link but here's the wonkette post)

-Whoa!  Hasselblad coming with the big guns; a 39 MP dSLR...awesome

-The indiscriminate mating patterns of the shrimp eating skanks: why they love it more now than ever.  We need to start hangin out at Red Lobster's "Shrimp Lover's Tuesdays"

-ever want to make a crochet ninja squid?  Here's your chance, over at MAKE

-great idea, why didn't I think of that?  Bottle cap tripod

-Pantone finally coming out with an affordable monitor calibrator, the huey.  I will most definitely be getting one of these soonish [no, I TOTALLY need it; no really]

-aww crap, i don't even stand a chance: article from UCLA about ovulation and attraction:"When women were mated to men with low sexual versus investment attractiveness, they were particularly likely to experience increased attraction to men other than their partners at mid‑cycle" 

-Similarly, this woman must have been mid-cycle when she hooked up with Gary...we'll ask the parrot:  hilarious article about a parrot that mimicked the infidelities of one of his caretakers...i'm surprised the parrot wasn't found mysteriously fricasseed

-Q magazines top albums of all time from its readers....I LOVE radiohead, I think they're fantastic...but their albums as one and two....I don't really agree with....

Hate Mail

Dear Internets,

 

I hate you.  No really.  I "surf" around you all the time, I tell everyone how great you are; but what do you give me in return?  Nuthin.  Nuthin but betrayal.  All I wanted was a little reminder that the season premier of 24 was THIS week and not next week as I had thought.  Is that so hard?  It was a FOUR HOUR premiere....Jack coulda tortured eight people in those four hours.  Well, if he's anything like me, he spent those four hours eating cereal and playing "The Warriors" on Playstation.  He better have been doing that, internets, for your sake....if I find out that he even as much as changed out of his pajamas, I will be furious.  I am so PISSED with you and am not gonna stand for that kinda crap any longer.  I say good day to you!

 

Heart Worm

Hey, anybody wanna guess who came to work but didn't know they had the morning off?  yep, you're too smart, it IS me.  And hence the rambling diatribes below.  However, from reading those, it would seem that I live the rock and roll lifestyle.  Not so much....I am the DESIGNATED DRIVER for the rock and roll lifestyle.  HUGE difference.

One of my roommates from college emailed me today.  I haven't talked to him in months and he had mentioned this Bowie knife he had backin college (his grandfather gave it to him and for some reason he brought it to college....I always slept with one eye open).  It had an inscription in Spanish on the blade in old script; we couldn't read it, so we called it the Heart Worm knife.  He says that this weekend, a friend came over and she translated it for him; but he also got the opinion from another friend; here is the result:

"Kathy is fluent in Spanish:

Kathy's translation: don't be scared honey since it's only a joke

I also got this translation from someone else who isn't so good at Spanish:

 

You don't have a heart that is pure bacon."

 

Who to believe?  Both seem true....

 

Best of the Weekend

Alright, I was gonna write about Friday but I'll just give you a summary: sober me/Drunk roommate,  got tackled leaving the bar, went to another bar, lots of making out and heavy petting (none involving me)....remembered it was a full moon and Friday 13th, akward conversations abound (do I really need to hear about your movie again?  You killed how many people when you were in the military?  Wow, that's great for you), tried to extricate my roommate from trouble, failed, failed, failed; another friend got his nose smashed but too drunk to care, craziness continued/I damned my sobriety, a few people need shots of antibiotic for the clap from the looks of things, broke up a fight between a forty year old woman and 26 year old male (he was actually saving MY ass; long story).  Decided to make a break for it.  Roommate immediately passes out in car, I got sympathy from parking lot attendant.  Had to lift his heavy ass out of the car myself....but he was off running as soon as he hit the ground....brilliant.

-Best compliment of the evening:  "I am soooo furious because they already named Australia.  ARRRGH.  I totally woulda named it after you"

-Weirdest thing said about me: "He did a tour of duty in World War One!"  What the hell? Where did that come from?  I know you are completely drunk, but where'd you get the crack from?

-Most rambling story:  Anything by my drunk roommate

-Greatest toast of the weekend: "He murdered people in Iraq so we could have the freedom to do these shots"

-Understatements of the night: "This place creeps me out" Runner up: "I gotta stop hangin out with assholes."  Both said by me.