How to diagnose a drunk

Lets say somebody works in the ER, was home for Thanksgiving dinner, or attends classes at a Big Ten school and wanted to know if someone they were talking to was drunk. Easy, right? Just ask them, right? WRONG. It could be a bunch of things...dementia could look that way, delirium or anoxia could look similar, crazy could look like that, jackasses could act that way... and other stuff that I can't think of right now could look just like it...Here's a great way to step by step diagnose it:
1) Make them walk...the cops use this one....but a shuffling/staggering gait can be a bunch of things (cops will arrest you for any of them anyway, sorry gramps!)
2) Make them talk. Have you ever heard a rummy talk? Yep. Slurred speech and rambling stories about how their sex life is in shambles or how they're sorry about being a burden....but that could be alot of things, too, unfortunately. I mean, that's pretty much what these blog posts are like, right?
3) Make them think. Get the person into a philosophical conversation about some controversial topic and they will go on and on for hours about how the government is BULLSHIT... and that the crooks in the White House and/or UN and/or Parliament and/or International Korfball federation are out to get the working man.... and that the media is a conduit for evil.... and how marijuana should be legal and why....and then they'll sloppily tell you that they love you. Oh wait, that could be crazy, too. Dang.
4) The Clincher...The failsafe...this one will get you your diagnosis: Give them a cell phone. If that person immediately calls an ex-girlfriend and/or boyfriend...EUREKA...you've found your drunk! Hooray! Way to go!
Now kick them out of the car before they puke all over the place. [ed. note: this also goes for old and/or crazy]

pshew, sorry for the deluge of posts; hopefully it will make up for the lack of posting likely for the next few days....so limit yourself to half a post per day and you'll be fine. Tomorrow, if I have time...pictures! sorry for the walls of text.
later.