Screeching

An Open Letter to the inhabitants of the watering hole,

 

As I had previously mentioned in the last blog post (which I'm sure you have all read), I have had a browser opened to the National Geographic live camera trained on a watering hole in Botswana; yes, that's right, your watering hole.  Thanks for allowing us to peep into your life, it gives us a rare view for the habitat that you ...um...inhabit.  It's been really fascinating for me and reminds me of my trips to South Africa. 

However, I do have one slight problem.  Well, I'm not sure which one of you it is, frankly.  Oh how should I put this without sounding rude?  Well...my problem is with the animal that has been screeching into the microphone for the past two hours.  What the hell is your problem?  What the hell have you been doing?  I mean, part of the time it sounds like you're getting your ass kicked and the rest of the time it sounds like you're having crazy wild monkey sex (whether you be a monkey or not).  Which is it? 

Actually, it doesn't matter; just do it in front of the damn camera, alright?  If I have to sit here and listen (well, yes, I understand I don't have to listen to it, but what the hell else am I suposed to do?), I might as well get a look, too.  Is that asking so much?  I mean, really, the only reason that I watch this thing is to see 1) Something getting mauled 2) Crazy wild monkey sex....do you think I care about the mysterious beauty of nature.  Fuck all that.  Munky sex or blood, period.  That's what this audience wants, yo; if you can't provide that, then the network will probably cancel your ass.  Then where you gonna be?  Screechin at your agent won't do shit, he don't care about you, fool.  Soon you'll be doing TV movies with Matt LeBlanc and Jason Alexander for Spike TV.  Sad.  And that honey that you be tappin' off camera?  Yeah, she gonna leave you for that fuckin vulture that's always hoggin the damn camera; that dude's got star quality written all over him (he may be ugly, but he's totally workin that Ric Ocasek weird lookin dude vibe).  So, what'll it be, playa?  Just some advice, you don't have to take it....keep screechin into the mike, dawg; we'll see how things shake out.  Later.