These Tears of Laughter

So, I wasn't able to be with my family this Christmas, but talked to them early this morning.  Initially I was completely depressed after my four year old cousin begged me to drive back home to see her (I actually considered making the nine hour drive since she's the only woman in the world that actually wants to see me).  However, I could not stop laughing after my sister told me what my mom got her for Christmas.  I had told my mom that I was reading this good book by Malcolm Gladwell and that my sister would enjoy it.  So to my sister's surprise, she unwrapped a wonderful new copy of "Bling"   Close enough, moms.

Saddest Quo

Man, it's kind of sad when you come home on Christmas morning to find one of your rommates sitting alone in the twilight of a winter's day watching "Terms of Endearment".  Where's my hemlock?

Oh Crap!

Hey, merry almost christmas, yo!!!  I totally forgot that I will be at my friends place in Chicago tonight! How the fuck is Santa gonna know where I am?!?!?  Somebody got his celly number?  How's he gonna know where to deliver this?!?!? (NSFW)

You can't out-ninj a ninja, dawg

So, I may have been super sleep deprived and I may have been half asleep. But, dude, do not even try to sneak up on me....cuz I will pounce on you like a CAT...a ROBOT NINJA PIRATE CAT. For Rills [I can't stop saying it].

Lady Lumps

If I hear the phrase "lovely lady lumps" in the near future, I'm pretty sure that my head will implode.  Damn you, Black Eyed Peas, damn you to H-E-double hockey sticks (i'm sitting next to a mormon).  That damn song ["my humps"] is in my friggin head and I can't get it out.  No rendition of "Private Dancer" will push it out.  It will be the death of me soon.  For the record, I have previously stated that if I had a time machine, I would either prevent the killing of Abraham Lincoln or stop the duel of Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton (have you seen the ten dollar bill? a shame to waste such great hair).  However, let it be known that I now realize that I use the time machine to stop "My humps" from being recorded....and also prevent the rise and domination of Andy Dick, of course.

 

And by the way, it's incorrect to say "I'm in a smoking sensation program" asshat, it's "smoking CESSATION"...though prolly not as fun.

Bruised

Ugh.  Long night.  And for the first time in approximately thirty years, I have bruised.  I've broken my nose before, I've gotten into fights (i initially typed "gotten my ass kicked" but that sounds way less cool than this), I've played contact sports (poorly), I've snowboarded [on my face], blah blah blah...but I have never once bruised.   That is until last night....I wonder if my finger is broken...regardless, my "pinky" is doing double time this morning to make up for the wounded "ringless finger"....and it keeps wanting to replace "o's" with "p's"....I guess I'm not down with " O.P.P." today and typing the word "poop" is completely out of the question....it also seems that I confused everyone this morning when I told them I ate "patmeal" for breakfast.  Why I'm changing "o's" for "p's" verbally is beyond me.

All Ashy

For some reason, my tie is ridiculously tight this morning...yes, yes, I have tried to loosen it but it looks like crap then..."form before function", I always say.  And my skin is ridiculously dry this morning.  gross.  Crap, my office-mate is here.  I have to pretend to be working.

 

By the way, did my roommate ever come home last night?  I don't think so, unless he came in after eleven and left before 5:30.  If he was "makin bacon" that'd be great, I would actually applaud that (or "Makin Seitan" for the vegetarians).  However, I think more likely explanation is that his work is keeping there for ungodly hours.  Thank goodness I'm lazy.

Repressed in the Midwest

 Hey anybody have any new years resolutions?  Anything super great happen this past year?  Any good stories?  Good albums? good books?  um...good ....fortune cookies?  Should we have a new years party?  Have your new years always sucked, too?
Yeah, I'm bored.  Sorry.

a Whole Lotta Lynxies:
-Really cool "pixelated" serving dishes and plates
-What were the top searches of 2005?  I thought it would be Katrina or something....y'know what?  The real answer depresses me.
-The 100 best (whoa, almost wrote breast, where's my head?) wines of 2005.
-Nobody reads your blog?  Yeah, me neither.  Wanna make it look like they do?  Well, hire these guys to write fake posts for you.  Y'know, you're only cheating yourselves.
-Life imitates art: movie "3-iron" about a man that breaks in and fixes things instead of stealing; actually happened recently in Beijing...except slightly more perverted.  (haven't seen 3 iron yet, but the trailers looked really interesting)
-Lolita at 50 - still shocking? Slate.com article about whether this classic novel still is capable of causing a stir.  I'm reading it now and like it; unfortunately it's taken a backburner to a million other things.
-Hijinks at my sorta alma-mater: during finals week, two guys dressed up like pac man characters and paraded through the library (UGLi) and computer lab (the fishbowl).  Pretty funny, kinda annoying.  I got kicked out of the fishbowl for throwing erasers at my friend.  He started it.  jerk.
-Apparently, humans don't understand mirrors.  I read the article...and I guess I don't understand mirrors, either.  It makes it sound like "Humans don't understand it" but monkeys, fish, cats, slugs, etc. all understand it and now we're the laughing stock of the animal kingdom...stupid science jerks making us feel bad about ourselves.
-Hey my roommate and I just tried this flashlight photobox...except mine was just holding a piece of printer paper in front of the light....theirs is a little more complex.  Did I mention we are morons?
-Are you tired of just balling your napkins up before a meal? Well learn how to fold 'em all fancy-like here.
-Man truly is the king of beasts...the paragon of all animals.  A ten bird roast .  Gross. I'm gonna become a vegetarian.
-Huh, seems kinda strange to me...Game where you fight a colossal woman....Does that say breast data acquisition?!?!?
-Really love fonts?  Yeah, well tell the world that Helvetica kicks Arials ass with these font hoodies.
-Sexiest Geeks of 2005 (not fully sfw).  Xeni made it, without a doubt.  Huh, imagine that, I'm not on the list.  I also like violet's list of podcasts
-Apparently, cock soup is popular....along with Barfy meet patties (which reminds of this site, that has a million hilarious "engrish" products)
-So, as stated before, I love year end lists...yeah, yeah, I know everyone hates them and the same shit is said over and over....but they make me feel superior to the poor schlub that made the list.  However, this "best of 2005" list intrigued me cuz I'm not actually sure it's a "best of" lst but may actually be ALL the albums released this year. 
-And Pitchfork's top 50!

Solstice

sidewalk
Originally uploaded by puma1.

yeah, i kinda feel like the expression on this sidewalk sculptures face. Except with waaaay more rage.
Today kinda blew because I've decided everybody at work is lazy. No, that is not a sweeping statement; you'd totally agree with me if you knew the people at my work.

Though, the funniest statement of the day was "WHAT?!?!? Elton John is GAY?!?"

Self Esteem

One of my supervisors was working with me today.  She's great and alot of fun, but she's in her 70s and says EXACTLY what she's thinking....often lacking tact or sensitivity....usually at my expense....and today was no different.  We were talking to one of our clients who had recently grown a beard.  And granted, it did look
bad.  So she asks "What the hell is that?" and he explains that it's cold outside and he works outside alot, so the beard helps.  And then she says "Okay, I'll accept that" and then she turns to me and asks "So, then what's your excuse?"  Thanks boss, that's exactly what I needed.
Links:
.-I hate the Salon.com day pass...I end up just naviagating away; I used to read salon religiously, but I haven't read it in months.  Way to go.  No link, just thought I'd let you know I hate it.
-This seems like a bad idea...and a great party.
-Cool, I can finally BE Tron.
-Really bad name for soup

Always an Honor Coming from You

An open letter to Bill O' Reilly,

What is your problem?  Yeah, yeah, I know you specialize in being a jackoff, that's how you get your fame.  I'm fine with that.  No, what I'm asking is...what is your problem with ME specifically?  If you wanna tustle, I'll tustle.  But why you gotta mess wid my shit behind my back?  You knew I'd hear about.  What?  Oh, act like you don't know what I'm talking about, wus.  First you make fun of my home town last week:

From Saginaw TV 5

 In Saginaw, Michigan, the township opposes red and green clothing on anyone. [Laughing] In Saginaw Township, they basically said, anybody, we don't want you to wear red or green. I would dress up head to toe in red to green if I were in Saginaw, Michigan.

What the hell?  Yeah asshat, I would like to see you dressed in red and green prancing around the 'Naw.  They ban those colors cuz red and green are gang colors, byotch.  Well, no, that's not true....see?  I know the difference between fact and fiction.  Learn from me, O'Reilly.  But then you turn around and insult my current town:

From the December 13 edition of Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor. (the followup comments from mediamatters is even funnier)

O'REILLY: All right, well, listen, Jackson, we respect your opinion, but you're dead wrong on this one. Now --

BAIN: Well, maybe.

O'REILLY: -- in the South, Richmond Times[-Dispatch], for example.

BAIN: Right.

O'REILLY: Now, this is a conservative city, Richmond. I mean, this is not Madison, Wisconsin, where you expect those people to be communing with Satan up there in the Madison, Wisconsin, media.

BAIN: Sure.

Um...alright.  Neither of these make any sense to me....are you sure you don't smoke crack?

Rude shower

I came home today to this message in our shower. I guess our shower is pissed at us. I may or may not have added the "chubs" part, but you know it meant it. Anyway, this is what it looked like from downstairs....gross.

Must be Really Good Chips

Watching the news (!) over breakfast (!!), there was a story about a local robbery.  In the local station's desire to make everything seem important, they had a split screen with the newscaster on one side and bullet points on the other.  The "important" bullet points were as follows:

-Robbery at Jimmi Johns, 2803 University Ave

-Employees Tied up at gunpoint

-Safe not opened

-Chips Stolen

I can only imagine the sorry state of affairs when those robbers are at home, wiping the barbecue residue onto their "Thievin' pants".

Secret Blogs

So, I was over at Kottke.org reading his posts when I stumbled across a post about secret blogs.  He says there are a remarkably high number of people that post to their secret blogs.  And somewhat surprisingly, is the immensely personal things they put on their blogs.  [i say surprising due to the nature of the blog that anyone can stumble on to].  I myself have I think 6 (!) blogs/wikis...but most of them lie dormant...waiting for bloggermaggedon when this site shuts down.  And the other one is discuss my deepest, darkest secrets.  You're tortured, aren't you?  [well, it's not here or here, that's for sure] [NSFW]

SNL Sketch: Chronicles of Narnia sketch.  Chris Parnell's raps are the funniest ever, and this one does not disappoint.  Thanks B for showing me this.
SNL Sketch: The Woomba
pretty rad: print a picture on a geranium leaf....really old school photography.

Wasn't there a 'Different Strokes' episode about this?

So today work wasn't that bad...I was actually able to sneak out 20 minutes early....small victories.  And when I got home, I thought I would make myself a snack; pita and hummous.  I decided to toast my pita in the oven and put it in.  I was pouring myself some water and the doorbell rang.  Uh oh, who's that?  This guy wearing workboots is there; I open the inside door as he opens the outside door.  And he's just staring at me and starts moving forward.  Whoa, whoa, whoa chief!  Where do you think you're going [child molester]?  "Is there a shower in here?"  Um, yeah boss, but you can't use it.  "Your landlord told me to take a look at the leak"  Oh right, well I guess you can come in.  You ask where it's leaking to?  Well, I'd put my money on the HUGE GAPING HOLE IN THE CEILING.  Okay, let's take a look at the shower stall upstairs.  No, I agree, no obvious place we could find either.  Alright, I'll turn on the water and we'll see if it leeks through the ceiling.  No luck, huh?  Say what?!?  You want me to get in the shower to see if weight makes a difference.....um, okay....hey, wait a minute, this kinda skeezes me out.  You're not gonna have me re-enact Tarzan are you?  gross.  Alright, well, that seems to have done the trick, a bunch of water came down.  Oh, you're gonna come back tomorrow to try and fix it.  Super.  See ya later.  I still feel dirty.
Does anyone reading this see a problem with this story?  No?  Yeah, I didn't either; kinda creepy, but not much else.  That is, until I turned around and saw BLACK SMOKE BILLOWING FROM THE OVEN FROM THE CHARRED PITA.  For fuck sake.

Issues

Today has gotten off to a strange start:

1) I'm still cleaning off pieces of apple that I spit out after taking a big bite out of it and finding that it was disgustingly mealy.  yuck.

2) I went to dinner at some friends house last night; their dog is adorable but I'm terribly allergic and am still having trouble breathing...i'm gonna O.D. on albuterol soon...

3) You know when you have to go to the bathroom really bad, and just barely make it to the bathroom?  Yeah, that happened this morning...with the added stress of realizing, at the last second, that I was wearing long-johns as an extra layer to wrestle with.  Close call.  Pshew.  I truly live a hard life.  I'm surprised I made it out of the fourth grade.

Walking in a Winter Hinterland

My goodness is it cold outside.  They said it was -4F WITHOUT windchill...brrrr.  The high today said "0's"....is that a range?  I'm not familiar with that scale, it must have been after differential equations in college math.  All I know is that I think I froze off my babymakers...they're somewhere in the driveway, I think....I hope I didn't run one of them over.

 

Links:

-The Longest Palindrome.  Also, a kick ass wikipedia entry on palindromes.  Though not the movie "Palindromes" which I heard was disturbing and right up my alley...maybe sometime this week?

- Gross Abuse: Drug companies flocking to India to conduct trials, likely recruiting poorly informed subjects

-Hilarious Santa Hack: some guy bought a 50 dollar singing/dancing santa from walmart and hacked it to change it into a drunk santa

Rage

alright, so I put a bunch of links in a post earlier this evening....and in all of its glory, a million copies showed up as usual on this site. So I deleted all but one...or so I thought....because I think due to a lag, I deleted every copy of the post. Anyway, here's a half assed attempt to recoup the losses:

-Love your moleskin? Yeah, me too. Check out these moleskin mods
-Take great photos of holiday lights with these tips
-Big Balls, small brains - the sex lives of bats. I have no comment.
-Are you a jerk? Is your boyfriend a jerk? Have him read this. Don't know whether it's funny or sad.
-Open Letter to Lance: a humorous article that suggests some things to spice up Lance Armstrong's screenplay
-Daily Dancer: a programmer dancing to various songs. Funny. And the only time i will accept hearing "lovely lady lumps" without clawing my eyes out
-Make a multimedia movie: a how-to guide
-Google transit trip planner: pretty rad idea.
-Implanted brass nuckles: kinda creeps me out. I can just hear "No, your mother was a freakshow when she was younger and thought it would be crazy fun to implant all this fucked up shit under her skin; don't you be like her, little Timmy." Some of the other links are way more disturbing and definitely NSFW.
-Ever wonder how long after marriage Japanese brides cut the cheese? wonder no longer.
-Hey, did you misplace your foreskin? Yeah, me too! Well, now we don't have to be embarassed sporting one of these.
-Breaking News!: Crocs top elephants as biggest threat to Zimbabweans. Now, after thinking about your local news, don't you feel like a pussy?
-Have an ipod? Live in DC? - try these Slate Magazine monument tour podcasts
-Strange Brokeback Mt. Merchandise: Ride Jake

Lewis and Aslan?

Maybe I have the CS Lewis books on the brain since I saw the Chronicles of Narnia this past weekend. It was really good, I thought; somewhat cheesy, but I knew the story going in. But it seems that perhaps the line of fact and fiction are a little blurred for some people. Take the new nickel, for example....Lewis and Clark or is it the Dawn Treader? (well, okay, minus the sea serpent).

totally ranted out

Pshew! I'm completely ranted out! It's really remarkable how much I can whine. Yeah, I can go on all night long. But, I think that's enough for a while....at least for this weekend.

Rant: You Lost the Bet, Dude

Dear Loser of the Bet,

My roommate and I watched a Hungarian movie called "Kontrol", a thriller about transit cops and a series of murders in the subway [spoiler coming]. At the end, one of the characters is running away from the killer and the killer was killed by the train....and my roommate bet the cost of dinner that the killer was the main character's love interest. But the last scene is the main character and the love interest walking out of the terminal. THE KILLER IS DEAD AND THE GIRL WALKS OUT. SHE WAS NOT THE KILLER. YOU LOSE.

Dude you know you totally lost the bet. Why are you in denial?

Yeah, I know it doesn't help that I kept singing "I am the Champion". Sorry. Loser.

Rant: Netflix

Dear Netflix,

You know I like you. But you also know we've been spending alot of time together....maybe too much. And honestly, I think you're getting too personal and sharing too much information. For example, here is a recent email you sent me:

Dear j****,

As someone who enjoyed Intimacy, we thought you'd like to know about A Hole in My Heart.

What the fuck, yo? First of all, I do enjoy intimacy, don't make it all past tense and judgemental....sure, I may not have had "intimacy" in a while, but don't make it seem like I'll never have it again, asshat. And what the fuck's up with telling me about the hole in your heart? I don't want to know your problems, I hardly know you. Is that some goth/masochists way of telling me I broke your heart or something? that's fucked up, dude. You need to stay away from me, Netflix, you got problems.

Rant: Dude in coffee shop

Dear Dude in the Coffee shop,

I don't know you but I know I don't like you. And I totally know it was you that just "let one go" and it's disgusting; you really should consider changing your eating habits or something. There is an abundance of open tables here this morning, why did you decide to SIT RIGHT NEXT TO ME? And your jacket stinks too, by the way. And apparently you can read this from where you're sitting and currently are. Oops. See ya.

Rant: Blogger

Dear Blogger,
I first want to say thanks for letting me use this space, it's really nice of you and it helps me vent incoherently. However....yeah, there's always a "however".....However, it seems you have recently become retarded. Yes, yes, I know it's a free service and I should shut my cake hole but really, if you're going to offer a service, you gotta know you're gonna get complaints (This is America, we have the freedom to complain about everything and we're all really whiny, if you hadn't noticed.) Between the multiple reposts of the same item (no, I did NOT hit the publish post button repeatedly), the extraordinary lag-time after posts before they show up sometimes, the repeated loss of connection, and the frequent outtages (and no, my content is NOT objectionable, have you seen the smut on these things? Yeah, well, I only read it cuz I feel like I need to do the research....repeatedly....to make sure that societal standards are upheld and whatnot). You're killing me. Do I have to PAY for decent service? Oh, I do? Right. Well then. Sorry to bother you. Nevermind.

Hot

CIMG0489 (Medium)
Originally uploaded by puma1.

Remember when there was this glowing globe of fire in the sky that would keep us warm? Yeah, me neither. Anyone want to move way off the grid to where the bugs are bigger than my head? Yeah, me too. When is winter done?

List-ening post

Look, that was the cleverest pun i could come up with, leave me alone; i'm tired. And because of this fatigue, there's not going to be much of a post. However, I WILL tak this time to list my top ten albums of 2005! I LOVE list time at the end of the year.
So Here they are:

1) Funeral - Arcade Fire
2) Picaresque - Decemberists
3) silent alarm - Bloc Party
4) Late Registration - Kanye West
5) Illinois - Sufjan Stevens
6) Arular - MIA
7) Twin Cinemas New Pornographers
8) Feist - Let it die
9) Takk - sigur ros
10) Tournament of Hearts - constantine

Others: Get Behind Me Satan - The White Stripes, Plans - Death Cab For Cutie, LCD Soundsystem s/t, Demon Days - Gorrilaz, Clap Your Hands say yeah, in the reigns - iron and wine + calexico, Separation Sunday - The Hold Steady, guero - Beck, I'm wide awake, it's Morning - Bright Eyes, You could have it so much better - Franz Ferdinand, Alligator - The National, the go! team - thunder, lightening, strike, rogue wave - descended like vultures, Wolf parade, Spoon - gimme fiction

fun?

Hey...guess what color you get when you write random numbers and letters into your "background color" slot?

3rd graders

Tonight at dinner, B and I burst out into laughter when our other roommate inquired about our new shower stall and asked if they used "industrial strength cock" (I know it's "caulk" but it SOUNDS the same).  So juvenile.

Rude Boy

Okay, I used to pride myself on being a semi-nice guy.  Apparently that era of my life has ended and I've become a complete jerk; I recognize it...and to some extent embrace it.  Case in point:  Today I was paged by a woman that I CANNOT STAND talking to.  How do I say this...conversations with her make me want to gouge my eyes out with the fragments of my own shattered teeth (yikes, it's true, but it even kinda creeps me out).  Anyway, she pages me and I know she wants to talk about our new years eve party. So I paged her back just telling her to email me her thoughts and concerns; I didn't feel like even addressing her in person.  Rude.

Bad Start to Gray Tuesday

Today is already off to a bad start.  I was buying some coffee this morning at the cafe at work and the cashier was pulling the register closer to herself.  She said "If I don't pull the register close, I'll get back pain".  To which my sluggish brain replied "That's good".  And she looks at me quizzically and asks "What's good?  Back pain?"...apparently my inflection was off and those pesky dangling modifiers get me in trouble once again.   Reeling from the unexpected early morning offensive, my caffeine-less brain went on a three minute mumbling mess of a conversation about how workplace ergonomics are important and that everyone should be aware of their bodies and how our work affects it....blah, blah, blah.  Ugh.  I should have said "Yes, I wish you horrible horrible back pain.  I subscribe to Schadenfreude (pleasure at others pain)." 

 

Why is my background color gray? (is it "gray" or "grey"? I'm having all sorts of trouble today....and that rhymes, sweet).  It's because of this: in protest of Warner shutting down the Green Day mashup album "Dean Gray: American Edit".  Like the "Gray Album" (Grey?), this remixes songs off "American Idiot" and is supposed to be great (haven't heard it yet...may never get to...but I LOVE the Gray Album).  Read more on boing boing, here

Salsbury Hill

You know, I have been meaning to write movie and record reviews on this site but that would require more work that I've been able to put in. Though, today we did see In Good Company that was actually pretty good (Scarlett Johannsen looks great) with a great soundtrack. But they use Peter Gabriel's "Salsbury Hill"....like every other romantic comedy (see the shining trailer below). So B and I decided to make movies only with that song; I think it'd be great.

Alright Dooce, Leta is cute, but does she compare to THIS?!?!? (man, it's so saccharine sweet it makes me nauseated....is that a fawn with a dog?! Especially with the titles like "Awfully Fawn'd of You". We don't stand a chance.

The shining trailer if done as a romantic comedy; West Side story as a horror flick. Both are really funny.

Almost forgot; Rex's List of Lists again this year.

Just hangin chilly up here. Good Night.

Yep, I'm a Jerk

Alright, I kinda feel bad about my previous post. The girl in front of me was enjoying the show and I was being a jerk. And I don't really hate the smell of patchouli, it justs reminds of my hippie, non-showering, dead-listening high school friends. Wait...okay, I like being reminded of my friends....so I guess that means I really just hate the smell of patchouli. Yep. This apology isn't going so well.
Anyway....I'm still at work and today was just a crap day. So, instead of whining about, here are some more lynxes that amuse me:
-I think Family Circus is hilarious...and now even moreso when influenced by Chthulo: see it here.
-Sploosh: mentos + sodas = a mess in the kitched. dang
-Make Flipbooks with your videos.
-Blogging with a wooden tongue - Wired article by Momus about "official" blogs
-From Wonkette: tagline "I can't be the only one reminded of spinal tap".
-Best Machine in the Gym? Thank god it ain't the treadmill...You hear me? I hate you treadmill.
-Got time to waste? Here are 74 band names represented in this picture. Good Luck.
-D.C. Pre 1980 - can you see a difference? Oh yeah, all that grift.
-Bike as an iPod battery charger. Pretty Cool.
-Also very cool. Would get this bike jersey if they weren't ridiculously expensive. These, too (helmet covers).
-DIY camera equipment. Rad. Something to waste my time with. More than usual.
-Lo-Fi way to extend your apple airport express: a chinese laddle. brilliant.
-How to make a bow. Wish I had this last week. No, actually, I don't.
-Gross. People use the internet while in the bathroom. But THIS makes more sense then. (Yeah, I only talk to people on the phone while in the bathroom...that is TOTALLY normal)
-

Holiday Guides! Consumerism at its finest from: Treehugger. Ars Technica. CNET. Wired. Wired SDD. NYT clever guides NYT circuits guide Extremetech's geek gift guide Cool Hunting's Gift Guide Popgadget Apartment Therapy Knives Gizmodo Gift Guide

I feel dirty now

The Two Of You

An Open Letter to the Girl in front of me and The Screamer,

 

Greetings to both of you.  I hope that you had good nights rest after that wonderful show last night.  Seeing Calexico and Iron and Wine was so great, right?  And I had never been in the Congress Theater before, had you?  Yes, it was beautiful; and enormous!  My Word!

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it as well....which makes me hesitant to say these words.  "Girl in front of me", you do realize that the moniker I have given you is the kindest I could have possibly given you, right?  I could have called you "Stinky patchouli Girl" or "Ravenously eating popcorn messily girl" or "beer spilling girl" or "Horrible Cackle Girl" or "Scarf flying into everyone's face when you dance girl" or...well, I could go on, but I won't since that would be rude (and I am obviously the paragon of politeness).

What seems to be "in my craw" (to use the vernacular) is your incessant chattering about a phrase that another gentleman, "The Screamer", (as we shall call him, since I presume his mother lacked the foresight to name him this from birth) um...screamed.  The phrase was "More Cowbell".  Now, please don't encourage "The Screamer" as you did with your uncontrolled laughter, chortle, and snort (yes, snort).  He should be reprimanded, not condoned.  Has this phrase taken the place of concert-douche-bags screaming "Freebird!"?  Let us hope not.

Now, the most disturbing thing about this whole incident was your explanation of why you were laughing so hard.  This is the reason for this letter since I feel you should be corrected.  You repeteadly gasped that it comes from a Saturday Night Live skit (true) starring Mike Myers (wrong) and Christopher Walken (true).  You then went on to describe how crazily Mike Myers (wrong still) hit his cowbell and that people (what people?) asked him for more (sort of right, it was Walken).  The skit was actually a take on the making of Blue Oyster Cult's song "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" starring Christopher Walken and Will Ferrell amongst others in 2000.  During the recording session, Walken, playing a super producer, keeps saying that this song needs more cowbell ("I coulda used more cowbell", etc.).  And, after several attempts, Ferrell goes crazy with the cowbell and "get's it right".  The result was humorous.  The fallout has been, to put it curmudgeon-y, annoying.  It has since been covered by Wilco, mentioned several times on ESPN, the New Yorker, and Collegehumor.com.    Busted Tees makes a t-shirt with the saying that has sold out many times over.  Walken wants to shoot himself in the face every time he hears it.  And this past May, Queens of the Stone Age played on SNL, with Ferrell on Cowbell [wired magazine].  It's not clever.  It's annoying.  Let it die.  Do you see anyone else screaming catchphrases like "You look mahvelous" or "Whatchou talkin bout, Willis"?  No, because that would be stupid.  Whatchou talkin' bout Willis, indeed.

Dead Beat Blogger

Man, it has been a while since I posted. I was supposed to have all sorts of time at the end of the week, but it's been a bear of a week. Nothing too exciting really. I've decided I'm getting my "winter ghetto booty" and I better start eating better....um....tomorrow. I think i'm gonna go get some food at a meal I like to call "lunchfast" or sometimes "Brunch"; yes, I think I'll copywrite that.

Alright, I need to get some sustenance. Here's some links, more to come I'm sure since I have nothing exciting to write about.
-Another Trailer Mashup: the Shining and the West side story ones were hilarious, this one's about Big.
-Dang, I knew I shoulda been an artist; scientists have proven that artists get laid more....way to go science for proving the obvious.
-I cannot believe this; I loved this kid in "A Bronx Tale" (DeNiro's directorial debut in the 90's) and it's amazing to me that he's now a cop killer. Oh C, how far you've fallen. Sad.
-beautiful pencil carvings

MSG?

What does this fortune I got today mean?!??
"you are the mst of every situation"
mst?!? um....mature snake tamer?
mega-sissy tard?
maple syrup tainter?
most stinkiest tuna?
mystery satan transformer?
maximum security titty?
murderin' sonofa tampon?
mall security taser?
martin sheen's testicle? Wait, that MUST be it...I am SO the martin sheen's testicle of every situation. Huzzah!

repentance

Dear Lord,
I know not why I doubted thee. You surely are the creator of the world and this "evolution" MUST be heresy. I realized my error tonight after consuming a jalepeno based product at 0245 AM. Surely, if this "evolution" were true, creatures that make such poor choices, as I do, would have been destroyed long ago. (However, as a counter point, my personality issues have effectively prevented me from making offspring....evolution or cruel god? either way, it's a severely effective form of contraception). Oh Lord, help me hence, please smote this evil reflux!

Doom Generation

Machines are everywhere.  They affect almost every facet of our lives.  But, somehow, we have managed to keep the upper hand.  That is, until now.  Bow to your Robot overlords.  We do not stand a chance.  I surrender.

Check it out here.

Fast Women

in the pack
Originally uploaded by puma1.

So, last night we had a huge snowstorm that dumped a couple of inches on the city. But, that didn't stop the coiffed, pierced, and tatt'd throngs (yes, throngs; and that's with an "r"). It was packed and actually really fun. It TOTALLY wasn't the tight fitting outfits or the short skirts....or the hope that they would accidentally start to make out. Oh, Denise Lightning, oh Mouse; you clutched my attention....and my heart ...for most of the two out three periods. Oh yeah, and then there were the belly dancers...sigh (oh yeah, except some of them may have been dudes).

Petit Morte (NSFW)

Alright, I'll admit, there are times when my libido seems to run away with me; more than usual, that is. Maybe this was made worse than by the Roller Derby or maybe those Overstock.com commercials or the new J.Crew catalog....or maybe I'm just a dirty boy. Yeah, that's prolly it. And the internet is a horrible enabler: (none of these are safe for work, be forewarned) The past few weeks, the various aggregate sites have been filled with bawdiness, here's a sampling:
-Kiss of death:Very sad: girl with peanut allergy dies after kiss
-Xeni's article about the sex machine's next door....unsung work by inventors that likely won't win the nobel.
-Em and Lo comment on the new monogamy
-Dear Lord. So, if it isn't bad enough that we get international male catalogs, lets hope we don't get on this email list: ridiculous advances in banana hammock technology. And similarly, the LED g-string; why say it, when you can broadcast it on your underwear?
-Response to Maureen Dowd's book "Are Men Necessary"...the only ten words that women need to effectively communicate with men
-This woman will definitely be going to another supermarket from now on; possibly the most embarrassing thing EVAR to happen to someone
-like coffee a little too much? Well, if coffee turns you on....
-Um...unfortunate headline from a novia scotia paper, involving jobs and RIM and whatnot
-Fat Ass: the holiday season always has an increase in copier repairs, often because people break through the copy machine glass with their asses. Geniuses.
-Way to go India: indian actress pelted with objects and arrested for her views on female sexuality. We've come a long way, baby.
-Bad Sex: The guardians yearly bad sex award for crappy sex scenes in literature
-Good Sex: Hot on the heels of the bad sex awards, the times tries to bring dignity back to literature...or at least actually exciting smut.
-Love potion No. 9: new nasal spray causes almost instant arousal; but mostly tested on rats and men....did they really need a spray for that?
-got perv on your gift list? well get one from the best of the sexy gift guide from the Voice
-I can't believe this guy totally stole my byline. From Nerve.
-funny: amish erotic stories.
-Well, if you felt any arousal, this will knock it right out of you: CRAZY rugby fan.
-Sex sells: sexifying (is that a word?) chess
-greedy bastard: virile lion....should be very very sleepy and prolly has herpes FOR SURE.
-Science ruins it again: apparently love fades over time. Explains alot. I'm gonna go cry.
-Patagonia with their new underwear recycling program. Awesome, they raise the bar again. Now i know where to send this
-50 cent is an idiot: corporate sellout wants to make a vibrator of his manhood... the best week ever has a great quote "A real gangster would just sleep with all his female fans. He wouldn't need no stinkin' vibrator."
-Nipples: apparently Coco the ape has a nipple fetish; it's okay coco, but i'm more of a leg man.
-Amazon.com: a search for "badonkadonk" gives you a varied and interesting bunch of results

Two Things

So, a friend of mine blogged about a strange occurrence at her local Target (read here). The gist of it was that one woman erroneously confused another woman as a Target employee and the resulting fallout. Today, I had a somewhat similar experience. After the gym, I went to Target to get some light bulbs and what not. While shopping, an elderly woman came up to me and asked me if I worked there. Now, in contrast to the aforementioned blog post by super-gee, I took absolutely no offense to her question and helpfully showed her to where I thought the coffee was.
But, what puzzled me was why did she think I worked there? First of all, I had an armload of stuff that I had pulled off the shelves. Not enough context clues? Well how about the bright red sweat pants? No, you're right, target's color are red, coulda been a new uniform. I think the biggest tip off *should* have been the fact that I was wearing a winter coat and hat. And why was she buying coffee at Target anyway?

Pants on Fire

Alright, I have been very bad about blogging.  But really, who cares?  Do you really want to read me ramble on and on.  Oh really?  Well, I didn't know you even read this Mr. Chuck Norris!  Thanks very much for your kind words [and less of a thanks for your roundhouse kick].

Well, now that I know I have such an esteemed readership, I will fulfill my promise of publishing more posts....and by more posts, I mean a whole slew of random links in lieu of actual thoughtful blog posts....prolly over the weekend.  So there you go.  See, I even just published this post for no apparent reason and you read it.  Sorry.