A Cautionary Tale

A word of warning: the button in the upper right corner of this browser is EVIL. Do NOT press it under any circumstances! It may say "next blog" but what it means is "Portal to HELL".

So, I try to limit my browsing on the internet at work to a minimum. My posts are done via remote email account, my links are usually saved from the previous day or week; i don't think I've even logged into my blog at work. Well, that is until today.

A little preface. I work with Puritans. All of them. Well, except for the Amish-folk and the occasional Shaker. The water-cooler talk is ridiculously boring [Shamus: How doth this water spigot maketh the water so cold? It must be the devil! Samuel: Verily, brother, let us smote it!]. And the internet is known as the instrument of the devil. Actually, it prolly is; but for the sake of this argument, let's say it's not.

Anywho, because I work in this sterile place, i don't like to use the internet. Today, however, I somehow decide to look at this blog. It looks great, right? everything is so witty and I am just the greatest thing since sliced bread, right? right?!? So, as i sit there scrolling through the site, I realize that someone had "sidled" next to me and was looking over my shoulder. What the hell? get the fuck out of my personal space, beeyotch! So, in a panic, i press the "next blog" button.

PLAYBOY TV's GANGBANG BUS screams at me from the next page. Oh god, please kill me now. They acted like they didn't see....but i'm waiting for the security escort and the leg irons.....

To Lunch

Hey...have any of you seen my coworker? I figure you have a better chance of seeing him than I, since I am at work....apparently the last place I would expect to see him. So....maybe here's where the breakdown happened. He was off yesterday for interviews, hey that's legit, i'm down wid employment. But we had made a deal last week that I would be able to take my car in to get fixed [neutered] this afternoon. Now, I think here's where the breakdown happened. I used the word "afternoon" which in the original Old English definition means "after the noon hour". Then he used the phrase "yeah, absolutely, whatever you want, that's fine" which apparently in dickface language is translated to "that means i don't have to come in until after noon....sweet. chump." Man, I don't even want to hear about the various difficulties of travel, family life, moving, the job search, the new rash, etc. that I know he will regail me with to try to distract me from the fact that he is a no talent ass clown ho bag.

He is going to get such a beating


in my mind.

my fate is sealed

So, to pretty much make sure that i never am intimate with a female of my species; i will completely nerd out. I send a sincere thanks to the person that suggested "fontifier" to me, i checked it out; however, i think that a font of my handwriting would be like cloning GWB dropping a deuce on an orphan.....um....yeah... ...sorry....what i essentially meant was that "more of 'x' would not make the world a better place". However, I have a really kick ass font site for you to check out at http://fontleech.com/ , and if you go back through the archives they have some great font houses (including some really rawkin ones from Japan).

Darwinning

Where did i go so wrong? Most of the time I'm pretty pleased with myself for the most part; however, this morning was one of those times that I'm not quite sure where things went so poorly. I think perhaps it was that week in college that I wore my swimming trunks instead of underwear. Or perhaps it was the time I decided to use dishwashing detergent when i ran out of laundry detergent. No,maybe earlier, when I mixed hairspray, magnesium filings, and kerosene together and put them in my supersoaker [very cool, but bad idea]. No, probably it was the time I "accidently" got vaporub in places where vaporub should NOT be.

However, waking up at three thirty this morning on my weight bench has to be a particularly interesting turning point. Not too bad you say? No, I agree, just a little weird; i got too ambitious yesterday after a long day. No, that'd be fine, if that were it. But when I woke up, all groggy (it's three thirty, fer chrissakes) I felt odd. Hmm, strange sensation. Was it my back ache from sleeping on a board? Part of it, but something else.... I got up to go to the bathroom, but can't use it. I'm trying....but I can't. Slight panic. I can barely move my arms.

oh, i get it.....

brilliant.

I fell asleep on a ten inch board with my arms hanging off the sides with little circulation for a few hours.....

way to go.

Maybe let's escape into the internet with a few jumps, I've been neglecting them recently:

Popa Bawa : my nickname in high school - apparently it's the name of a bat-like molester in Zanzibar.....huh, maybe they should use vaporub

Doctors know things - well, at least that's what i like to think - a new york times article about doctor/patient relationships; i think it essentially says that doctors are better at guessing.

the Gumball 3000- Cannoonball Run comes alive - i think quentin tarantino and Daryl Hannah are racing one of the cars

For the Vegetarians: so...you think yer too good for hamburgers, huh? Well, maybe you'll change your mind after you read this blog about hamburgers

Super cool idea about secret wall art: I had a similar idea of writing things on rental car seat belts (you pull it out far, it will something like "hey fatty, lose some weight" [sorry it's mean] or "you don't want to know what happened in the seat you're strapping yourself into" Okay, this is much cooler than my idea.

The Big O (no, not overstock.com and their...umm....arousing ads)- Another NYT article; this one is about the usefullness of female orgasm evolutionarily. So, it ain't my fault, girl, if i can't make it happen, i mean i gots a billion years of evolution all up in my grill. I'm pretty sure that premature evacuation is an evolutionary advantage....which may be a problem for ....um....other dudes.

Photoshop tools for relationships: McSweeney gives a list of useful photoshop tools for a relationship....my favorite: blur more and undo.

Krump dancing - kickass looking documentary about a dancing style that ...came out of the LA riots?!!? whatever, it's pretty rad, yo.

Diane Arbus at the Met- she's great, so if you happen to be in new york this weekend, go see it.

Moby is an Idiot

So, today has been a weird day already. And since i'm fighting with one of my coworkers, I have been very distracted to say the least. So, here's an article that proves what i have known for a long time. Moby is a complete idiot. It may be harsh, but sadly, it is true. Don't believe me? Well, please read on. If you do believe me, however, then there is no need to keep reading, just continue to sit there being warmed by your own sense of self satisfaction.

In a recent interview:

MOBY: .....As a matter of fact, I was talking to my friend Laura, who sings on the record, and we're both getting to the point where we want to start families. We're convinced that if we have children, we're going to do everything in our power to make them gay. Like maybe drinking a lot of extra soy milk while she's pregnant, or anything that would work to make that happen. I'd just rather have a really sharp, interesting, smart gay son than some big dumb hetero meathead.....

Yeah, don't even get me started, my hackles are already up and my claws have already drawn blood.

But as a corollary to a previous post. Why does being "sharp, interesting, smart" mean that you have to be gay? I'm not saying that I have any of these qualities (I totally have to write that so I don't seem narcissistic) [ed. note: he totally is] but being sharp, smart, and interesting is something that everyone should strive towards. How does that correlate to sexual preference? [ed. note: sorry to interrupt this diatribe, he's really on the soapbox today; i just wanted to add that the other people in the office here refer to this writer as "your highness" or simply as "that arrogant, self absorbed ass hat"...okay back to the finger wagging!] Why can't people just say that certain humans care about certain things rather than break things down by gender. I know what a well cut dress or suit looks like; I know what the four c's that determine diamond price are*, and I know that I have combination skin (all this doesn't make me gay, it just makes me ridiculous). I don't follow organized sports so much, and yes, i do love design; does that make me homosexual? Does wearing assless chaps make me gay? Hmmm, okay, maybe. But if i want to dress a certain way, does that make me want to prefer men more? Did Liberace's costumes make him gay? Actually, no, it was the sex with men that made him gay. I mean, sure, I look great in spandex but ....wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Moby is a stupid piece of crap.

And Yay, flickr is not longer flash based!

*cut, color, clarity, carat weight

Tenuous Grip

Alright, I'll freely admit I'm a dork.  I will also admit that my likes and dislikes may verge on ridiculousness.  However, I just found an article today that I think was great.  It's an article about Fonts from the NYT.  Yes, yes, i know; i was ecstatic, too.  Yep...fonts make me really hot.  I mean, I work in a world of serif only fonts, where nobody cares how things look, they abuse trashy fonts during presentations, and even now i'm typing on a "courier" machine.  blech.  In the article, they talk all about one of my favorite fonts, futura, in less than glowing terms; but i think it was to prove a point.  And, *sigh*, I miss my helvetica....arial really does NOT do it for me.  Okay...so if I have not yet sufficiently alienated myself from every normal human by now...I'll keep working on it.

(They also have a great article about modernism)

tomatoes

So...I can't remember who I had this argument with recently.....but I really think Andie McDowell is a horrible actress....she has the power to give me fits of rage due to the shittiness of her acting. Well, I just found this survey....check out the upper right corner of this article. Harsh. Do I care? Meh.

Flickr'd

So I've spent most of my day trying to tweak my flickr stuff. I'm not sure why the organizr isn't working, whatever. I'm sitting watching the last survivor....I hate survivor but I got nothin else. I had a blast last night hanging out with the readership of the blog, we should have meetings more often. We went to one of my new favorite places, and again it's lived up to expectations.
I am completely dreading another work week.

I'm trying to figure out how to moblog, just can't get it to work. I think my cell phone is the rate limiting step. I will keep trying, don't worry.

Screw you DJ

So the question was posed this morning, and apparently this has been a burning question....How to clean up a maple sugar spill courtesy of Kottke

Both a tribute to Hellraiser that we met this morning at the Breakfast place and a conversation from last night: fun radiology


Fuggin A, Tom won, predictable.

Crack-like

My bed is like crack. I can't walk by it without at least touching it. I mean the comforter is so soft and warm. The sheets on right now are just great too; they have a high thread count and a smooth finish; just wonderful. That's the reason. That's the reason I spent the last three hours in bed. That's the reason I spent the last three hours in bed mixed up in two loads of recently washed laundry. It's like the bermuda triangle, it has a limitless mass and I can't escape its gravity. Nor do I really want to...i can't wait to get back in it. Crap, there goes my productivity.

Deus Ex Machina

An Open Letter To Jason Molina:

Hey, I really enjoyed your show last night, all three bands were great. It was really cool chatting with you. I'll have to admit, I had to act like I didn't recognize you, since I usually would whore myself out and fawn "I love all of your songs, I think you're great, i'm gonna carve your name in my back"...well, okay, i'm not that bad. So, it was great chatting with you; thank you for complementing my jacket...yes, i know it was probably weird when I said I think it was a women's jacket because it buttoned from the other side....look, I panicked because i don't take complements well and am hugely akward in social situations.....but honestly, the cut looks great on me, you have to admit [ahem, sorry]. I'm sure you prayed for an end to our akward conversation. Oh look, the door was unlocked and the bathroom was actually empty this whole time. I know I looked like a jackass for waiting outside of an empty bathroom, but as I opened the door, thanks for the pat on the back and the inspiring words "Go get 'em, tiger!"

An Open Letter To Lou Reed Guy and Bull in the China Shop Guy:

Dear fellas, every time I go to a show, the people there are always what makes the show. And you two did your darndest to make it a memorable show last night.
Lou Reed Guy, thank you for freaking both myself and my friends out. Your fucked up way of flirting with my friend was at the same time pathetic and creepy. I believe the word "stalkerish"....if it is a word, it would definitely apply to you. And are you certain that your tactics are sound? Really, placing yourself forward and to the left of your "prey" so you can leer over your shoulder akwardly, does that work? Oh, but my favorite part was your little butt wiggle....do you really think shaking your man candy booty will do it? Dude, it ain't there. Christ, how do you even fit into those jeans? Well, good luck with all of that, be safe.

And to Bull in the China Shop Guy, I only have a few things for you. First of all, give up drinking and lose some weight....there it is, right out there. I mean really, how much did you have to drink? Because, for most of the evening, you were swaying and spilling most of your beer on you pants. And was that a sweat or beer ring around your sweatshirt collar? If it's that hard to tell, it means something needs to change. I'll miss how you sway and spiral randomly through the crowd chest first, it's endearing. Oh yeah, and then slurring that you wanted to go home with my friends....classic, let me know if that works, cuz i'm totally gonna steal that. Really, I hope things go better for you, you worry me.

Doom on You

Hey! How was your day? Mine blew, thanks.

So I get into work this morning...a little early actually because y'know, being friday I wanted to get my shit square then leave. Coming into the office I share with the other guy I work with, I see a note on the keyboard. "Huh" I think, "who left that?" Oh hey, it's from the other guy I work with....hmmm. And I read it. It says "Blah blah blah blah blah blah [ed. note: full text deleted for readers benefit]blah blah blah. Have a great weekend!" Hmmm... what day is it? It's Friday right? Isn't that usually a day of work? Is Friday the 13th a holiday? I'm stunned.....we didn't discuss him taking the day off.....what a brilliant move. All day I wandered around with the note in my pocket....the pure genius behind it....i still have it now.
And when i see that fucknutz next, i'm gonna jam that note past his broken jaw and down his gurgling throat. I need a drink.

(Sorry for the violence, i don't mean it, i'm really a pacifist but just have rage issues; gotta stop playing "Manhunt")

By the way, your fly is down.

Automaton

Alright, I have to go to work in a few hours but i'm not really sleepy, so two short clips about cars:

1) My car [Hana] recently had her right rear tail-light smashed by some SUV or truck drivin' insecure ass hat [i will be of that group soon]. So, every time I hit the breaks, I can see her right thigh scream in a flash of nekkid white light....it hurts me to see her degraded like that. But I went to get her fixed today and one of the fellas told me a story of pure evil; here it is: He said several years ago, he worked in food service [editors note: it is not a good sign to have a mechanic who previously worked food service...it just seems like a poor prognostic indicator] and parked his truck for delivery. To his dismay, he returned to his truck and found a huge gash gouged into its side. Distraught, he found a note tucked under the windshield wiper that read "All the people that witnessed this accident think I'm writing my information down. I ain't. C Ya" [sic]
That has got to be one of the most evil shit I ever heard....

2) On a completely random note, I saw a strange vanity plate today [why are there so many vanity plates?...yes, I know you "luv bcky" or are a "pckr bckr", fuck off]. The plate was on an alero that read "ASSCLWN"....first of all, aren't they supposed to screen profanity? and second, what the hell does that mean? Does he mean ass clown, as in "no talent ass clown"? or is he broadcasting his sensual preference? You don't see me with plates reading "ped0ph1l" or "vgnl dl8r". well, okay, in a perfect world it would, sure. However, in reality my plates say "America's Dairyland". Aww fuckin kill me.

Lothario

All right, I have some down time, so I may as well post. Yesterday was possibly the worst day I've had in months. It's the first time in a long time that I just went to sleep early to end the pain. However, today is shaping up to be a ridiculously good day, so there you go.

So, this morning I got an email from one of my ex-girlfriends. Though we still have some of the same friends, I only hear mention of her in passing from them. The last contact was a year ago, when I wished her a happy birthday....no reply, so fine, no attempts at friendly contact (we didn't end horribly, it was just the drifting apart of friends, I tend to do that). But she tells me this morning that she just got engaged this past weekend. Hey, great! I am geniunely happy for her. However, it did get me to thinking that every girlfriend that I've broken up with has gotten married....to the guy they started dating immediately after our relationship ends. What the hell does that mean?!?!? I am now 5 for 5. Where does this strange power come from? Is it my super power? How can I use that to fight crime? Crap...gotta go....you stick that in your craw and tell me what you think.



Moss grafitti: Old school tagging
http://www.storiesfromspace.co.uk/data/html/mossgraffiti.html

WWJW: what would Jesus weigh?: http://www.livejournal.com/users/jwz/473946.html umm...does that take into account regeneration at easter? Is it blasphemous? Regardless, my dad would prolly be disappointed.

Marksmen

Man....it is a wonder that we've won any wars ever....because it is damn sure that these veterans have horrible aim while using the urinals. ewww.

Breakbeatz

Pshew....long busy day at work.....two friends went at it fiercely and now i'm stuck in the middle. It's crazy how fast things can escalate, especially when people [read: Jackasses] won't back down. Strange. Well, at least i didn't [almost] kill anybody today cuz that would totally suck.

Sorry i'm a little cranky today.

Oh...and just to let you know....if you're riding a bike at dusk....acting ninja-like and wearing all black is NOT a good idea.

On a completely unrelated note, I need to get some new Jersey's and perhaps a light for my bike.

goodnight.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Pulsatile

Nothing too exciting to write about really. I've fallen out of the habit of blogging....it's only a matter of time until I only write to this blog when I'm visiting their city and need a place to stay. I'm a whore that way. Well, maybe I'm paying for it now since i have this skull crushing headache. Unfortunately, they're getting worse and closer together....wait a minute...maybe they're contractions and when they get close enough, my brain will give birth to....um....kittens.

So, rain all week, huh. Great, just when i'm starting to get into cycling, the rains start. Well, that's okay....because i'm gonna wear my spandex, my shoes, and my camelback while playing playstation. (oooh, my camelback is great.....which I just bought today...shut up, i totally needed it....). I went on a fairly easy but fun ride today, played some tennis, then some frisbee....pshew, i'm done for the year.

I'm looking square in the face of a shitty work week; i hope everybody has a good day tomorrow. Good night.


BB:"Would I turn on the oven if he [the gangster] was in there?"
Cop: "You might, rabbit. You might."
Bugs and Thugs, 1954

quisling

Aight, so today fuckin blew....sorry about the language mom, but it's muthafuckin true. I sold my friends up the river....it's my job for the next four weeks. But at least I do it with a smile and Winston Churchill once said "When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite". I'm not sure what that means....ummm...nobody's dead....really.

Gonna go for a short ride now, still need some practice before i go big-time [training wheels off] but I'm gonna make this next.

Fuktup fo sho

Free star charts for the masses

I love macro and insects, it's microcosmos in stills....with the photographer's name annoyingly imprinted across the images...jerk

Still Off the Grid

Hey.....who the hell is supposed to update this piece?  Isn't there anything "interesting" to write about? Damn....don't make me have to go read whatevs.org (ugh) cuz i'm bored.  Oh wait....oops...yeah, sorry; i'll update this as soon as i get some free time, jerks.  later.

An Open Letter to REI

Dear REI,

Thank you for years of wonderful service. I have bought hundreds of dollars worth of clothing and gear over the years and am proud to be a member. And being a member, I have one request that I feel you should take quite seriously. The next time you switch the men's and women's department, please send all the members some sort of notice. I will admit that I looked rather rakish in the capilene thong; however, you can lose the employee's judging eyes. Thanks for listening.