State of the Onion

Dear Governor Kaine,

Thank you for giving the Democrat Response to the State of the Union Address tonight.  However, I'm a afraid to say that I heard not a word of it because I was scared.  Please lower your left eyebrow.  We were all waiting for it to crawl into your hairline.  The entire country is frightened.

Change

Alright, I really hate how my site looks....I mean SURE I could stop surfing the infosupernet for ten minutes and change it...but how is it gonna learn for itself?  Yeah, I tell ya', blogs today just have this sense of entitlement....

-awesome little video of a turntablist using cars as records and pedestrians as the fader, pretty clever.

-Chameleon: Does your dog start looking like you? (or vice versa)...yeah, apparently it happens to Brad Pitt...check it..

A funny cartoon from "A Softer World" (taken from Dooce).  I used to go to this website every week, but somehow completely forgot about it. funny, funny stuff.
 

Suck on it E! I can do your job better than you!  Here are the Academy Award nominees.  And those pants make you look fat.  Whore. [i dunno, I don't watch much E!, but I imagine that it's kinda like that, right?] Any guesses to winners? I'll post mine later.

Comeuppance

Today I had to get those damn 2 cent stamps because the postal service decided to wait until the DAY AFTER I bought a bunch of 37 cent stamps to announce the price increase.  So, I went to the little store at my work and asked for some of the stamps and she gave me a sheet of Navajo Jewelry stamps.  Her reaction was priceless when I said "Do you have any other stamps?  My father was killed by a Navajo warrior...you know, back in the day."  I don't think she likes me.

And karma just got me back, since I was just at my desk....sitting on my foot [absently minded, I kept my shoes on]....when I suddenly remembered....I HAD JUST POLISHED MY SHOES LAST NIGHT.  Dang.  Shoe polish everywhere.  I truly am an idiot.

Fate, you are a bitch.

How to get fired in two steps...

....Step 1: Play this addictive flickr based game (guess the tag faster than others)

....Step 2: Just keep playin....

Links:
-I've been trying to figure out how to make viewmaster reels forever...thanks internets
-Though I'm not a knitter myself, I appreciate the art of the craft....

Recapitulate

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!

 

I spent a majority of this weekend with my folks in Chicago.  My dad was there for a conference (remember, the breakdancing).  It was really interesting to see how my parents have changed as they've aged.  When we were younger, our vacations were wall to wall activities with little or no time to rest (my dad actually said to me when I was eight and tired from a long day "You can sleep when you're dead"...I hear it used all the time now, but back then I remember thinking it was a thinly veiled threat...not cool, dads).  Anyway, now, my parents seem to want to do little to nothing if it involves walking; we essentially were in the heart of Chicago and did not leave a one block radius from the hotel.  I guess their needs have changed.  However, as part of all this, we did get alot of great eating.  Overall it was a great time.  That is, despite the enormous amount of time spent talking about the two things that I cannot stand: 1) The loss of my cutthroat ambition (I used to be a Young Republican even(!)) and 2) My inability to supply my parents with grandchildren (apparently, there's a dermatologist's mother that's gunning for me).  Anyway, I'm back to work and have a shitty week ahead.  God bless my good attitude.

 

Links:

Great Article about the funniest newspaper this side of Pravda, The Onion ; with it's roots in Madison, but now out in NYC.  Quote of the articles "The absence of solid Midwestern comfort food has posed a challenge for the paper's art department, which requires a certain girthiness of many of the people who pose for the fake news photos.....[they] have resorted to photographing visiting Wisconsin relatives..."

Startled Return

Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking.  I log into my own blog to see a startling discovery...I apparently thought it was appropriate to leave for the weekend after an "off color" post.  Sorry about that.  To anyone that was offended, I'm sorry; but you lucked out, it can get much much worse.  Anyway, couldn't leave that as the top post, so here this is.  Time for bed already!  Good night.

Chocolate Factory

MAN ALIVE! I do NOT know what's going on this week, but I am just a pooping machine.  Hey Internets, are you happy now that you heard that?!?!  Oh, bless the technology that allows me to shout this to the world.  This truly is a remarkable time we live in. 
Alright, gonna go to Chicago today to chill with my folks; my dad is attending a breakdancing conference.  He's gonna get some crazy mad skillz this weekend.
 

annoying

Sorry I haven't blogged anything good this week; it's been a strangely busy week.  Today I have been in this really weird mood where I've been all...um...I can't think of a good descriptor....is there a better word than "cheesy"?  And the weirdest thing is that I know I'm doing it but can't stop myself.  Over-boisterous hello's, two hugs already this morning, a cluck of the tongue and shake of my head at a friend's personal mishap.  Perhaps it's Friday euphoria?  Whatever it is, it's a horrible sickness....I've said things I've never said before.  "Uh Oh, looks like you're in a pickle!" "Yeah! Why don't they call PCs "Personal Confusers"?!" (ala Leo Laporte) "Oh My goodness, she's as cute as a button!"....WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?  Soon, I'll be calling people "Little Stinkers" and have some sort of gingham on or something.  Kill me now.

 

Still Haven't Found...

So, full disclosure: I have a site meter.  And this site meter usually lays pretty dormant.  I'm sure if it had the capabilities of talking, it would say "Look pal, fuck off, it's just you that keeps looking at your own shitty page, asshat"  [Whoa, those site meters have foul mouths].  However, the one advantage is that it tells me what searches landed on my page....and for the past three days, these are the searches that have hit my page:

[in the quotes are the actual search terms that have hit on this site; the rest is my interpretation of what the "searcher" was thinking]

"Where do Cougars come from" -- aww shit, I got this stupid-ass blog. How am I gonna finish this damn report on "Cougars"?  I wish that jerk Ronald hadn't stolen my original topic "Stealth Bombers"; I hate that guy.  Alright, back to the search, gotta be more specific:

"Where do Cougars live in the world" Aww fuck, stupid blog again...screw this, I just wanna see cougar pictures...

"Pictures of Cougars in motion"   what the hell?!?  how did this asshole's site show up for this?  False advertising...just some pictures of drunks...Alright, this is useless,....maybe if I put a specific number of animals I wanna see...ain't nothin better than a jampile of cats...

"Over Thirty Cougars" What the hell?!?!? alright, I think the internet's broken....[ed. note: I do realize the alternate usage for cougars was likely what they meant here; see urban dictionary for a definition].....screw this, i'm turning to porn....

"Hot Honey Cougars" DAMNIT...the blog again.....fuck this, I'm converting to Islam....

"hijra" 

 I apologize to both the person that was doing the report on cougars and the person that was looking for religion....and anyone else that has stumbled on to this blog.  I owe you your time back....

 

Sorry about not posting more; have been SUPER busy over the past little bit....will try more perhaps this weekend?!?!?  Later....

 

 

 

Two Servings

So...just a question....does anyone know if V8 comes out of whites easily?  You know, like when you have a mouthful, then cough.....I'm not saying that it happened....because that would be completely ridiculous and idiotic...it's just something I'm puttin out there.... 

Lynx:

-Did I post this already?  McSweeney's take on a call from Matthew Barney and Bjork to Ikea

-Mcsweeney's play by play of a Four year old on a date; also, blog entries from a COBRA soldier (GI JOE) (yeah it's dorky, I never pretend not to be)

-Interesting article from Nature about Love and Humor....best quote:

he boils it down to a simple line of advice for the ladies: "If you're not interested in a guy then don't laugh at his jokes."

True Dat, yo....so, that's why nobody laughs, it's TOTALLY not because my jokes suck. Pshew.

-Very neat looking pictures from O. Barbieri using a tilt-shift lense (explained here).  It makes everything look eerily like a miniature model.

-Ever seen a fireworks factory explode.  Pretty rad.  [can't link to video for some reason, so here's the wiki page]

-Balls of mud that shine....hikaru dorodango....seems stupid but I can't wait to try it out...

-T-shirt of the day - I think my vegetarian friends need this one

-Good article on Allen Iverson (still repenting since I didn't recognize him on a shirt this weekend....maybe I would've if he had scored 81 points in a single game.  ouch) (unfortunately the article is from USA Today...blech)

- A little late on this, but have you seen these giant jellyfish?!?!  That's it, I'm never going into the water again.

-and these tiny guys were discovered in the swamps of sumatra

Oh my crap, actor Chris Penn found dead?!?!?

 

Have a good day.  Hopefully will have some time later....am a captive audience tonight here....

Back in Black

Alright, so I'm back in town from a great weekend in Washington D.C.  I'm sure I'll drone on and on about the weekend later, I just wanted to send my greetings out over the throbbing electrons.  On the plus side, I did hear some of the filthiest/most disturbing jokes I've heard in a long time over this weekend.  [Oh, don't worry, they're coming soon].  On the minus side, due to weather, I did have to spend an evening in an airport hotel...in Milwaukee...blech.  [actually, Milwaukee's not a bad town...I just have a really bad history with it].

Also of note, our broadband is running suspiciously slow....B, do you think we have a virus? [no, i already heard you have herpes, COMPUTER virus]....hope not, dropped the firewall accidentally this morning.  We will see....

Mr. Smith

Alright, so, I'll be away for a few days.....What?!?  Did I hear a cheer?!?  What the hell is that about? I mean, is it really so unendurable to read this blog?  Really? Why the hell do you do it?  Oh...masochists, huh?  Sure.  Well, it still hurts.

-dang: Sold out Gogol Bordello/Tegan & Sara at 930 tomorrow

-rest in peace Mr. W. Pickett

-double dang: gonna miss my flight

January Joiners

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, one of my roommates and I joined the gym last night (!).  I KNOW, it IS crazy.  Maybe I'll get off my fat ass [ed. note: this is also known as his "Ghetto Booty"] and get all ripped.  In fact, after working out last night, I'm kinda scared to flex....lest I rip my shirt.  So, which number do you think will be higher:  1) The number of people I tell that I just rejoined the gym or 2) The number of days that I actually work out.  Yeah, I know, it's a no brainer.

Tap dance

I just got new work shoes this week.  Woohoo!  Except they're super stiff and make me walk all funny.  Boo!  Instead of one click as I'm stepping down the tiled hallway, I have a series of clicks and taps as my feet roll through a variety of positions they have never been in before.  If there were any chance that I could regain my dignity, my fucked up gait has made sure that it's not gonna happen today.  Well, at least I'm glad I don't have to wear high heels (in public).

links

 

-Whoa!  I thought I was an asshole: you can apparently by Vincent Gallo's sperm on his web site....yeah, that's shitty enough, however, the text under it is apparently supposed to offend every single group on the planet....you did a great job vince, way to go.

-Hey, ever been asked in an interview "Where do you see yourself in Five years?"  Well, be able to tell them exactly, with this five year planner  ....but you better be prepared to not get the job if you turn to the page only to find "Eat more Doritos" written there.

-Hey, you think cuteoverload.com is cute?  Do you tell your boyfriend you have a headache, but are really watching the butterstick pandacam?  Do you think of Butterstick while making love?  If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you will shit yourself when you see this

-you better go clean yourself up.

Poor Guy

Look, I dislike Cheney as much as the next guy but i do kind of feel bad for him in this picture from the AP.  It seems he's wearing 2 different shoes.  Now, that'd be funny if it was your jerkly vice president....oh wait, he is....but it seems like something that my dad will do in the not so distant future and makes me feel protective of him.  You wear what you want you want to Dick, we all know that Girls just want to have fun.

Who likes photoshop?

Oh yeah, I'm the one that likes photoshop.  "Why?" you may ask?  Well, mostly because working with photoshop is almost exactly the OPPOSITE of the work I do in my job...which is cleaning owl poop out of church organs.  You'd be surprised how busy I get...and how nasty owl poo is.  They're always like "Who? Who?" and I'm all like "You know bloody well "who", you disgusting diseased little poo-bags".  Maybe I need to eat something now, I think I'm hypoglycemic....

-Photoshop word montage thingy

-Photoshop ghost dude tutorial

-Apparently there are two types of laughter: I haven't read the article yet, but I think the types are laughter when something is funny; and there's the laugh of discomfort and pity...y'know the kind you get when you're reading this blog...no, wait, that's rage...i always misinterpret that...sorry

-"just say yes" a woman that didn't refuse a request for a date...150 dates later, she got a husband!...and multiple STDs.  I tried this same tactic and all I got was a broken jaw and my kidney stolen.  go figure.

Narcolepsy

Man, last night I was ridiculously tired (probably from the stupidity of this weekend, no doubt).  And, the genius that I am, decided to finish my work in my bedroom.  Now, the key point is that I no longer have a desk in my bedroom.  Which means that I was doing my work....that's right...on my bed....brilliant.  I'm not sure if an entire minute of work was even done, I don't quite recall.  The next thing I remember, my roommate asks me why my light was still on.  I open my eyes, and it seems that everything is covered in vaseline....oh right, fell asleep with my contacts in.  dang. 

Now I have to hand back my student's projects with a big drool mark in the middle of the page.  Awesome.  Setting a really great example.  Maybe I'll spill some coffee on them to cover it up...  Great start to a new day. 

 

links:

-I'm trying to decide whether I should take a frame-making night course at the local college, or if I should just start using American Frame Company .  Ehh...forget it, I'll just glue that Monet to the wall.

-To continue with Panda related news, I love this t-shirt from threadless that I saw on wonkette (can't find the actual link but here's the wonkette post)

-Whoa!  Hasselblad coming with the big guns; a 39 MP dSLR...awesome

-The indiscriminate mating patterns of the shrimp eating skanks: why they love it more now than ever.  We need to start hangin out at Red Lobster's "Shrimp Lover's Tuesdays"

-ever want to make a crochet ninja squid?  Here's your chance, over at MAKE

-great idea, why didn't I think of that?  Bottle cap tripod

-Pantone finally coming out with an affordable monitor calibrator, the huey.  I will most definitely be getting one of these soonish [no, I TOTALLY need it; no really]

-aww crap, i don't even stand a chance: article from UCLA about ovulation and attraction:"When women were mated to men with low sexual versus investment attractiveness, they were particularly likely to experience increased attraction to men other than their partners at mid‑cycle" 

-Similarly, this woman must have been mid-cycle when she hooked up with Gary...we'll ask the parrot:  hilarious article about a parrot that mimicked the infidelities of one of his caretakers...i'm surprised the parrot wasn't found mysteriously fricasseed

-Q magazines top albums of all time from its readers....I LOVE radiohead, I think they're fantastic...but their albums as one and two....I don't really agree with....

Hate Mail

Dear Internets,

 

I hate you.  No really.  I "surf" around you all the time, I tell everyone how great you are; but what do you give me in return?  Nuthin.  Nuthin but betrayal.  All I wanted was a little reminder that the season premier of 24 was THIS week and not next week as I had thought.  Is that so hard?  It was a FOUR HOUR premiere....Jack coulda tortured eight people in those four hours.  Well, if he's anything like me, he spent those four hours eating cereal and playing "The Warriors" on Playstation.  He better have been doing that, internets, for your sake....if I find out that he even as much as changed out of his pajamas, I will be furious.  I am so PISSED with you and am not gonna stand for that kinda crap any longer.  I say good day to you!

 

Heart Worm

Hey, anybody wanna guess who came to work but didn't know they had the morning off?  yep, you're too smart, it IS me.  And hence the rambling diatribes below.  However, from reading those, it would seem that I live the rock and roll lifestyle.  Not so much....I am the DESIGNATED DRIVER for the rock and roll lifestyle.  HUGE difference.

One of my roommates from college emailed me today.  I haven't talked to him in months and he had mentioned this Bowie knife he had backin college (his grandfather gave it to him and for some reason he brought it to college....I always slept with one eye open).  It had an inscription in Spanish on the blade in old script; we couldn't read it, so we called it the Heart Worm knife.  He says that this weekend, a friend came over and she translated it for him; but he also got the opinion from another friend; here is the result:

"Kathy is fluent in Spanish:

Kathy's translation: don't be scared honey since it's only a joke

I also got this translation from someone else who isn't so good at Spanish:

 

You don't have a heart that is pure bacon."

 

Who to believe?  Both seem true....

 

Best of the Weekend

Alright, I was gonna write about Friday but I'll just give you a summary: sober me/Drunk roommate,  got tackled leaving the bar, went to another bar, lots of making out and heavy petting (none involving me)....remembered it was a full moon and Friday 13th, akward conversations abound (do I really need to hear about your movie again?  You killed how many people when you were in the military?  Wow, that's great for you), tried to extricate my roommate from trouble, failed, failed, failed; another friend got his nose smashed but too drunk to care, craziness continued/I damned my sobriety, a few people need shots of antibiotic for the clap from the looks of things, broke up a fight between a forty year old woman and 26 year old male (he was actually saving MY ass; long story).  Decided to make a break for it.  Roommate immediately passes out in car, I got sympathy from parking lot attendant.  Had to lift his heavy ass out of the car myself....but he was off running as soon as he hit the ground....brilliant.

-Best compliment of the evening:  "I am soooo furious because they already named Australia.  ARRRGH.  I totally woulda named it after you"

-Weirdest thing said about me: "He did a tour of duty in World War One!"  What the hell? Where did that come from?  I know you are completely drunk, but where'd you get the crack from?

-Most rambling story:  Anything by my drunk roommate

-Greatest toast of the weekend: "He murdered people in Iraq so we could have the freedom to do these shots"

-Understatements of the night: "This place creeps me out" Runner up: "I gotta stop hangin out with assholes."  Both said by me.

Saturday Night Fights

derby fights
Originally uploaded by puma1.

Well, this title was slightly more appropriate. Here's a timeline of the day, it may be a little easier
0600 - Roommate 1 gets home from partying and most recently a hot tub...
roommate 2 and myself are asleep (not toegether)
0800 - I wake up, do four loads of laundry, exercise, straighten up the house, practice piano, read. Check that shit out! I am one productive motherfucker!
1200 - I try to wake up roommates. Lazy asses won't get out of bed. End up getting roommate 2 (r2) to go to brunch with me. He looks a little green.
1330 - We return home, I continue to read/wrestle dust bunnies from under the couch; R2 goes immediately back to bed.
1645 - Everyone is finally up and getting ready to go back out
1745 - we go meet some people at Le Tigre lounge. It's as creepy now as it was when I got kicked out of it two years ago. The bartender/owner is here tonight but luckily is old and doesn't remember me. We sit next to an old guy wearing oxygen...he gets pissed at me for drinking "his supply" of beer. I've had enough, we leave.
1815 - We arrive at the Roller Derby...it's the largest crowd yet, unfortunately it sells out and only half of us made it in
1900 - Derby is underway (see picture). Tonight was much better than usual, but a fight broke out. I cheered for a woman named Mouse and she is completely unbelievable.
(This is getting ridiculously long and tedious...sorry...but I have some sort of strange drive to document the silliness)
2200 - we pick up the roommate that didn't make it into the derby and go to a pool hall. Waitresses are ogled. We are sad.
2300 - end up going to a bar far, far away because my roommate (r2) was being stubborn.
2320 - arrive to find that the place is having a punk show...it's fuckin loud.
2340 - exploring the cool bar, realize that this was a benefit for a guitarist that fell off a ladder...it is unclear whether this was a performance related injury. Felt guilty for .23 seconds for not donating since the woman collecting was a total jerk.
2400 - Have conversation about the pros and cons of being a werewolf.
2402 - Completely alienate ourselves
2410 - Roommate 2 gets cranky and goes to car to "nap"...we suspect he is drunk dialing.
2440 - Don't want r2 to freeze to death, go to car; r2 wakes up and sets off my car alarm, struggles for 2-3 minutes in honking car. Hilarity ensues.
0130 - go back to bed determined to be productive the next day (as you already know, it doesn't happen).

Munich

We also went to see Munich on Sunday evening.  I didn't know what to expect of it, but came out really liking it.  I knew some history about the Munich Olympic slayings and some of the aftermath (the plot of this movie, by the way; I'm not just showing off).  I thought Spielberg did a great job of creating a thriller out of the aftermath.  It was 2.5 hours but I was so involved in the story, that it just flew by.  When I think of Spielberg, I think of huge blockbusters, however the most impressive part of this movie was the nuances throughout the film; the setting of tone, the camera angles setting the mood, the very competent acting throughout.  Anyway,  I won't say it's the best movie of last year, but it definitely was worth the time spent to see it. (and as my roommate put it, it's one of the few movies that incorporates slaughter with a sex scene)

After that, we decided to go to Rusty's.  We'd never been there, but live fairly close to it.  However, passing the sign, how could we resist?  It promised "Food, Beer, Dancing"....everything that we desired...perhaps more?  However, upon entry, it seems that the sign was good for only one of the three.  Well, we knew darn well what we were getting into when there were only two cars in the parking lot, an F-150 and a mid 80s Conversion Van.  The place was pretty sparse (and unusually bright for a drinking establishment).  The only two patrons were sitting up at the bar....I'm pretty sure the word I'm looking for is "cannoodling".  The bartender did not seem happy to see us....it coulda been our repeated asking of whether they had a salad bar (they did not).  But, it was a good place to have a few beers, talk about the game, and how emotionally devoid we were; you know, the classic pub topics.  Regardless of the good time had within, I think Rusty's may be an ace in the hole for when my parents come to town.

Bloody Sunday

The sprints
Originally uploaded by puma1.

Well, okay...not REALLY "Bloody" per se...I just couldn't think of a title...umm, this guy's jacket is red. Anyway, Sunday was a very relaxing day as well. Madison has been unseasonably warm and has been remarkably sunny. We went out to breakfast with all the roommates to the local diner. However, we do have a really hard time having a normal, non-swear filled conversation. The parents around us must have hated us....I mean, WE hate us. Anyway, I went to read at a local shop however, within one hour of our arrival...the djembes arrived. DAMNIT. One after another, a horde (yes, horde) of dudes walked in carrying their damn drums. Great. We had to come when it was "Drum Circle" day. For fuck sake. Look, I don't hate the drums, I just hate the phrase "Drum Circle", it makes me want to smash icicles into my neck. Ugh. Anyway, it goes without saying that we immediately left. And outside, one of the punk rocker employees said "At least it's not smooth jazz". True dat, indeed. (which reminds me of last weekends brunch when my roommate asked the jazz combo playing there for some "smoother jazz").
Well, we left there and went to watch the "Sprints on the Square", as pictured to the right (?). I dunno who this guy is, but I was too impatient to wait around for the actual sprinters. And if you notice the green grass on the square, it was way too warm for snow. The snow they shipped in was slush by the end of the races. Stupid global warming. If I wanna watch akward winter sports, I BETTER BE ABLE TO.

Not so low key

Yeah, so sorry about not finishing what I started last night; I'm easily distracted.  I still had some work to do and I was easily convinced that an alcoholic beverage (the beverage was alcoholic, I'm not using it as a descriptor of the drinker) was the best course of further action.  So, we went out last night and had a couple of drinks to celebrate MLK's birthday...happy birthday!  And we spent most of the night skirting around the events of this weekend...

so on to the rest of the weekend...

Lazy Monday

Alright, so I am WORN OUT after all the festivities this weekend.  I have been playing it pretty dumb, burning the candle on both ends.  This morning we went out AGAIN to breakfast (three days in a row!) and saw the usual characters.  Then, I decided to go to a coffee shop and read work stuff for a while.  Which woulda been great if the moron next to me didn't make me want to try to drown myself in the 3mm of coffee in the bottom of my coffee cup.  For HOURS this guy was droning on and on about his play and theatre troupe and how they really haven't had a chance to "show their true flame (!)" here in town.  I don't know if he was interviewing with the gentleman he was with, but man the shit was getting so deep, I had to sit on the table.  Anyway, we left for lunch and had Yeti stew, which is always good....okay, well, it's actually called called Herder's Stew...but that's not as exciting, is it?   Ummm...and then I came home and played "The Warriors" on Playstation......
Yep, that's it....I told you it was low key.
Crap, gotta go, more later....to the semi-interesting days of Sunday, Saturday, and Friday...I'll bet you're waiting with baited breath.....

Allegory

Here in the U.S., we are celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. Day today (here, his acceptance spee the Nobel Prize in '64; "I have a dream speech" here) as a memorial to him.  However, as oft happens during holidays that fall on a Monday or Friday, the three day weekend seems to bring with it more debauchery than tribute.  Here, this weekend was no different.  Perhaps it would be easiest for me to walk backwards through this weekend starting today; especially since it will be all backwards when I post them.  Whatever.  Here it goes...

Damn Wagon Rides

So...is it "Back Off the Wagon" or "Back On the Wagon" if somebody that was previously sober starts to drink again?  I assume it's "Off the Wagon" since you don't want a bunch of drunks driving a wagon around, right?  And what kind of wagon is it, anyway?  If it's full of sober folks....it sounds pretty boring to me....

Rube

Alright, so today was the absolute last day I could call our cable company to get our service renewed before they shut it off.  Have I had a tirade about this yet?  No?  Well I'll get the dry-erase board ready, and you better wear comfortable clothes, because it's gonna be awhile before we're done.  However, right now, I don't have the time.  

Currently, we are paying 80 something dollars per month for our broadband and cable.  We are paying $80 dollars to have our lives sucked away by a glowing box.  80 bucks to see Talon and Kristin from Laguna Beach act like idiots.  80 Bucks to watch episodes of "24" for the millionth time.  80 bucks to be subjected to the Tony Danza show.  And all that would have been over, if it wasn't for her.

Stupid Charter Kelly...if that is your real name [ok, it's actually not]....with your smooth talking and your coercive ways.  I was ready to just get the broadband internet access and NO cable...you hear me?  NO TV at all!!  Tivo be damned [you know I don't mean it baby, i was just riled up].  I was steeled against the Man at the cable company.  But I did not count on your cunning wiles and trickery.  I have met my match.

Charter Kelly (CK): How may I help you?

Me (ME): Umm, yeah, I want to... [gulp]...cancel my cable....

CK:[audible gasp] Why?!? What's wrong? [palpable concern in her voice]

ME: It's just too expensive and I waste so much time with it

CK: Well, which channels are you unhappy with?

ME: well, all of them, they're useless [i'm thinking: "you're good, Charter Kelly.  trying to talk me down from the ledge.  But I'm on to you"]

CK:  Lets work on a package that you're more happy with, okay?

ME: Okay [what the fuck am I doing? I was supposed to be strong and cancel, ABORT ABORT ABORT]

CK: Do you want to keep your internet?

ME: Oh hells yeah, yo!  I don't think I could live without the "Butterstick Panda Cam"

CK: well, that by itself, at your current speed would cost you 74 dollars per month....plus taxes and fees....

ME: ....[oooh, you bitch]....but....that costs more than i'm paying now?!? [perplexed]

CK: Well when it's not part of one of our packages, it will cost alot more.

ME:....[wearily and defeated]...ok...tell me about your packages...

CK: what kind of channels do you watch?

ME: I totally only watch the Fitness channel, and the Food Network, and the Learning channel...and sometimes the Parenting channel [do we even have that?].  I love education.  And Kids.  But not in the molesting way.  [look dude, she's an operator in Thailand or something, why are you trying to impress her?].

CK: Um...okay...well we can try the Extended Basic package that has all of those channels...which will cost you 105 dollars per month...plus taxes and fees....

ME: [grrrr...you are tricksy...]  So, it will cost me less to get 40 more "premium" channels?

CK: Yup.  We have great deals.

ME: [I loathe you]  Fine, you win, I guess I'll stick with the same package.

CK: Hey, that's great!  But you're special deal is up, so it will be about 15 bucks more a month than you're paying now...but its still the cheapest package we have and a much better deal than just broadband access alone..

ME: [You keep using the words "cheaper" and "deal"....I'm not so sure you know what those words mean...]  fine....that's fine...I'll take that...  

CK: [triumphantly] Is there anything else I can help you with?  [subtext: I could sell your own kidney back to you if I wanted to, asshat]

ME: No, no, my spirit is sufficiently broken.  Thanks for your help.

Sorry to break it to you dudes, but our cable is even more expensive now....as you can see, it totally wasn't my fault....she's an evil genius...we don't stand a chance.  I'm gonna go cry now.

Your Lucky Day

Hey!  So, did you realize that today was Friday the 13th?  Yeah, me neither....but now you're gonna be all superstitious, right?  Sorry.  And now you can totally blame that for that papercut, or broken pencil lead, or maple syrup on your shirt, or the affair you're having, or stabbing your coworkers, etc... I blame it for getting garbage water that leaked on my leg this morning....ewww.   As Cream says "If it weren't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all."

 

More iPod links for a recent addition to the ipod zombie army:
A club in SF has a photobooth with a direct flickr collection.
The only video ipod guide YOU will ever need, chump
Ipods and hearing loss, you betta recognize, yo
FM ipod has an antennae in the cord.
Tune buckle  for your nano
New apple shtuff from Macworld...including a pretty neat AV connection kit that I bought all the components separately like a sucker
yet another CSS guide that I won't get to
 flickr goatsefirst: if you don't know what "goatse" is, DON'T google it [most definitely NSFW].  Your eyes will burn and you won't ever forgive me, just know that it's disturbing and watch these people's reaction to the first time they see it.
I love these stickers!  I miss the city often and when I lived in Chicago, used to stress about people sleeping on the train; at every stop I would try to use "the force" to wake them up, just in case it was their stop.
The correlation between house size and person size is very interesting
Aww shit, I missed it....what up 'stick?  You all grow'd up; I can almost hear you saying "Would it kill ya' to get me doughnut with this coffee?"
My personal battle against diamonds....don't even get me started about diamonds; the last time it happened, it was the day after a woman got engaged...I found her hiding her huge rock all evening...yep, i'm a jerk like that.
Cute and deadly: turkish girl kisses chickens, gets bird flu....no comment from my chicken-kissing-roommate.

Is this what the Kids are doing?

So, we had some new trainnees that I'm in charge of.  They're very well meaning and seem fairly eager, which makes teaching them pretty fun.  But what I noticed today was strange.  One of the women in my group was wearing something that I have not oft seen outside the boudoir [editors note: I have actually never seen a boudoir either, for that matter].  I swear she was wearing lingerie under her overcoat.  Is that normal?  Sure, it could have been a regular cami...but it was red satin with black lace at the top....Is this the new thing?  [ed. note:  I can't believe I just used the word Cami...]  Whatever, I ain't complainin' I just wanna know what's "in" with the kids....cuz i'm still waiting to bust out my silver mesh shirt.

Links:

Knitta, Please!  So, I've been looking at this site for a while and think the idea is hilarious: knitted graffiti is hardcore.
Apartmentherapy.com's best cookbook list from it's readers....i gotta get me some...my theory is that if I amass enough cookbooks, then I will surely become a Gourmet.
Gasp! Nikon has decided to discontinue almost all of it's film cameras
How to get laid like crazy, a black table guide. I gotta start followin these hints, I guess.
So, I while ago, I made the 14 dollar steadicam but now I gotta make the rest...y'know, for my movie....[DIY filming]
Found photo zen from Boingboing
Ridiculous or ingenious: the Thumbthing for keeping your books open with one hand
The works of photographer edward burtynsky
Crazy amount of snow in Japan this past week....you can almost hear these kids say  "Aww fuck, where'd Ichi go?"

smells like pretty

O.M.G. indeed.  I found out today that I have a new fetish.  Yep.  Stairway sniffing.  There it is.
It's true.  There's a stairwell at work that smells just delicious.  It could be that I'm going crazy (likely), or that I'm just really strange (certifiable), but I think the stairwell smells like it uses a super sexy conditioner.  It smells soooo good.  I don't know exactly how to say this.  But I think I totally have a crush on the stairwell.  I know it's wrong.  But I can't help it.  I think about it constantly.  I find myself "accidentally" lingering too long.  I go to other floors for no reason.  I gotta stop...it's in my blood...it's a disease.  But it's my precious little secret right now. 
And I think the elevators are totally jealous.

Antony and the Johnsons

You know, when I first started this blog, I wanted it to consist mostly of music, movie, and literature reviews.  However, since my music purchasing is erratic and impulsive, my movie preferences of late have been second rate and lazy, and my literature exposure....hahaha.....what literature exposure?  Sad.
 Anyway, I just got a new album recently and have been listening to it all day.  I was able to get out of work slightly early, but this bug has prevented me from doing anything fun....just dozing on the couch.  Well, I found that the Antony and the Johnsons album "I am a bird now" is the perfect soundtrack for it.  Even the cover is interesting, which I think is a picture of a dying Candy Darling dying in her hospital room (was big in the Andy Warhold Factory from the 70's, died of leukemia).  The most striking thing about this short, 35 minute, 10 track album is Antony's plaintive voice that sounds more than a bit like Nina Simone.  I don't know where these people are from or when this album was recorded, but it's one of those albums that you pick up on a whim and end up secretly listening to over and over.  A nice surprise for my fever dreams.
I got some great links below:
1) Best cheat EVAR:  Ever play microsoft pinball for a zillion hours?  Yeah, me too.  Are you a cheater?  Yeah, me too.  Check out this totally awesome cheat....not much skill since you can control the ball with your mouse...impress some lady friends!  (reason i'm still single)
2) Want to take pics like the pros?  Me too!  well, besides the fact that I have no talent, you can ACT like your a pro with these tips
3) Do you sometimes wonder if you are autistic?  Whoa! So do I!  Don't you think the our similarities are creepy?  You're my bestest friend.  Anywho, where was I?  Oh yeah, autistic....here's a test to see if you are...
4) Interesting, if not alarmist, article from the NYT about regional effects of diabetes
5) Cool new Optimus keyboard, available Feb 1st, that each key is a tiny screen that can change functions when the apps change; very cool
6) What this guy learned at MIT...super, now I don't have to pay the tuition
7) Preshrunk is back online!  yay!  I love this wu tang t-shirt, too bad the company only has 2XL sizes or all my friends would be getting one

8) Very funny flickr tools; make magazine covers, see if your photos are on the "interstingness" link, make de-motivational posters, etc
9) Awesomest Flickr tool:  draw a shape or a color and it will retrieve similar pictures with that shape or color.  All day i've been looking at pictures of one color; just gorgeous

gotta go find some tissue.  lates.

Flu

I'm pretty sure I have some sort of "bug" hiding in the back of my throat.  Every morning my throat is sore and I have a huge headache.  However, with hydration and suppressive fire of tylenol and ibuprofen, I haven't gotten full blown sick....yet.  I'm just waiting for the hammer to drop.  Meanwhile, I'm here at work passively infecting everyone I come into contact with.  Brilliant.

And speaking of flu....um....Turkey?  You better clear that bird flu crap up before I get there.  I do NOT want to spend my vacation punching chickens in the face.  You hear me?  Don't. Make. Me. Beat. Chickens.  For rills.

Other Team

so...I know I said no posts for today...but maybe since I haven't slept yet, i can slide it under the wire. It's kinda sad when the lines that I've used tonight have been "yeah, that really makes me want to shoot myself in the face" and "no, i'm sorry, I play for the "other team"". I do it to myself, I know; and that's why it really hurts.

Unplug

alright, the flurry of posts is to make up for tomorrow.  I'm planning to unplug.  No movies, no TV, no internet (except I do have some business on Orbitz...i swear I'll only do that...okay, maybe a few blogs....dangit).  We'll see how it goes.  Have a good day.

smoke

m's breakdancing ...again
Originally uploaded by puma1.

so, this is from two weeks ago. That's one of my roommates breakdancing. It was his birthday. And yeah, that's a fog machine. Yup, and that's toilet paper. In the living room. We are so ghetto.

iSuck

So a few friends have recently ordered iPods.  I don't like to be "partisan" but I really really like my ipod...I've owned three other mp3 players and i love my ipod the most.  Yeah, yeah, what's new, right?  No, I REALLY love my ipod.  When I was mugged last year at gunpoint [sorta]...before I thought of the safety of my sister and myself....before i figured out if i was hurt or not....before i tried to find safety....I jammed my ipod down my pants so those bastards wouldn't get it.  My priorities are straight.  Anyway, here are some helpful links for them:

-Slate Magazines podcasts of 2005
-everything ipod: ilounge
-trashy novels as ipod cases
-my surfer friends will love this ipod case.  i need surfer friends.
-very cool remote...will display songs on the remote part....genius
-good ol' McSweeney's lampoons the nano with the new Zepto
-How to meet ladies [or gents]  with your ipod....it don't work....i just heard that.
-apparently today is underwear day..ipod underwear
-DIY bike charger for your ipod
-podstar nano cases
-buy some junk from everything ipod.  never bought from there but i've drooled often.
-CNETs earbud reviews....watchout!  they'll make you deaf!
-ilounge's best of 2005
-sexy cases: Vaja leather cases just came out....too late!
-trick out your ipod with colorware

Winker

So, how does one become a "winker"?  Does it start with a tic?  Do your contacts start buggin you, then you decide it looks sexy?  Anyway, I went out with a group of people and noticed that one of them is "a winker".  At every sentence she would wink.  At every eye contact, she would wink.  Now, I don't know exactly how one gets to be "a winker".  I had a friend in college that was a winker...I think only women can be winkers without getting punched in the face.  What does it mean?  Isn't a wink an inside joke?  So when she says "I need to use the ladies room" and then winks, does that mean she's not gonna use the ladies room?  Was that code?  Did I fumble?  Alright....whatever....fuck it....I can't take signals, I know.

-Saw Brokeback yesterday, it was good but the experience was tainted by all the hype.  However, I think this use of a marlboro ad is hilarious
-Hey, are you too lazy to take a multivitamin?....you may need to get this underwear....but you're prolly to lazy...
-As an african studies major in college, I found this guide to writing about africa hilarious [Always end your book with Nelson Mandela saying something about rainbows or renaissances. Because you car].
-cool TVs that they say are for kids, but man, I want one of these....
-Hey, remember how I called you lazy earlier?  Yeah, well you are....and you prolly want one of these scooters....pimp
-Does anyone wear hats?  This nytimes article examines this question....and my roommate and I think that the key to getting ladies....yeah, there's a reason we don't have ladies.
-Damnit...so I had this idea from a while ago...and somebody made a t-shirt out of it:  "Halo Kitty".  Similarly, "Holla Kitty" and "Hello Killer"...make t-shirts of that, jerks.
-Sex Bomb: this is what our billions of dollars are going toward...well, I guess it's less violent...except if it's done like "Brokeback", ruff stuff, ouch.

F***k You, Cookie!

Screw you Cookie....I was supposed to wake up super early for work today....but when I finally did wake up....three hours after I was supposed to.....my alarms were off (all THREE of them). Cookie, you bastard, if you think for one second that you can fuck with me....you got another thing coming, bub. You're entering a world-o-hurt, boy-o.
If you were real.

Oh, Cookie!

Perhaps it was the rotten fish in my gut singing to me all night; but I had some majorly crazy dreams last night.  There are two that I remember that I cannot mention (there may be children reading) but the last one was pretty random.  I was in the West on a cattle run (brokeback mountain reference?) when Cookie, the stereotypical Western cook, told me he loved trains.  Well, Cookie was a good guy apparently, and I wanted to indulge his interests, so I arranged for trains to run by our position out on the prairie every seven minutes (in dreams, I have that kind of power).  Cookie was in hog heaven, let me tell you...every seven minutes he would hoot and holler and make us all laugh.  I think at least 10 trains went by....then I heard the sink.  Aww fuck.  Apparently those "train horns" were my stupid alarm clock that I was snoozing.  Brilliant.

Cautionary Tale

If you live in a land locked region, as I do, you come to learn certain rules.  One, for example, is that copious amounts of alcohol reduces awareness of being landlocked.  Another rule is that you must refer to everything from the Coasts in terms of the midwest (For example mom 1: "Janey's going to Harvard!"  Mom 2: "Oh yah, that's great, I hear that's the Northwestern of the East Coast!")  The third rules....one of the most important rules....is that the term "Fresh Fish" in the Midwest is almost always a huge lie.   No matter how much ice they use, the idea of "fresh" is very loosely based in reality.  Anyway, yesterday I broke one of the cardinal rules and had THE WORST MEAL OF MY LIFE.  I'm the only one to blame.  It was a free meal, I got greedy, and paid the price.  Damn you Captain Bill, damn you to hell.

Ice Cold

Hmmm.  I'm having an identity problem right now.  I guess I'll leave my color scheme Ice cold like this for a spell until I get off my lazy butt and think of something better. 
Anyway, here are some links for Friday:
-So, our electric bill was sky high this past month....if only my roommates would stop wandering around the house nekkid all the time...put a sweater on...please....i would like my appetite back.  Or, we could just get this electricity meter; we'll see how much power that hitachi magic wand really uses, b.
-tired of all the ladies ridin with dudes in the tricked out cars? (shrimp eaters)  well, fight fire with fire and trick out your bike.
-Very cool series of old medical caricatures - social commentary through medicine
-Men and women use the internet differently - no real surprise there.
-we TOTALLY need the toilet nanny
-I love a good prank.  There's a guy putting together a book about great pranks .  also, MIT vs Caltech: a huge legacy of pranks
-The british medical journal on the psychology of glass shape and drinking ....way to spend your science dollars. (from slashdot)
-Another cool tool: replace your maglight battery with a more efficient and longer lasting LED .
-Gorgeous collection of Blue Note's album covers over the years
-The best fonts of 2005 according to Typographica
-Say what?  Cat dials 911 for hurt owner...I gotta get one that'll make me omelets.
-Got crappy cell phone reception?  Got 400 bucks burning a hole in your sock?  Try this booster
-Do you find that you're throwing away TONS of bikinis every year?  Well, maybe you should try a biodegradable one?.
-got an ipod?  Got two? [lucky jerk] An askmetafilter forum on using two ipods with one computer
-Awesome flickr high speed photography group.

enough for now, maybe more later.

Jane Fonda

An Open Letter to The Woman at the desk next to me,

 

Hi!  How are you?  Things look like they're going great for you.  It sounds like you're really enjoying that soup in a cup.  No, I really like those stirrup pants.  But what seems to be bothering me now are those calisthenics you are doing [aren't I finicky? I know, I'm so lame] .  Yeah, it looks like you're really limber, way to go.  But, you see, the fact that you are currently only five feet away from me and doing your exercises non-stop is really starting to bug me a little..no...alotta bit.  The calf raises earlier were fine, minimal motion, perfect.  But the recent progression to full windmills and lateral leg raises is almost too much.  What the hell are you training for anyway?  From the looks of the exercises, it looks like you'll be swimming the channel?  River-dancing?  boxing Old Timey Irishmen?  Hmm, good luck with all that.  No, no, keep doing your exercises, it's good for you.   At least you're not showing us pictures of those fucking Maltese's (you know, your babies) "Itsy" and "Bitsy".  Gag.  [It really paints a picture, doesn't it?]

 

God I am being so mean today.  Sorry.  I need sleep.

Reggie

Talking to my Icelandic friend today, there seemed to be a larger than normal communication breakdown.  I think he just returned from Iceland, so his accent is back to where it was when I first met him.  Today, after some casual conversation, he asked if I liked "Reggie".  Reggie?  who the fuck is Reggie?!?  After several minutes of akward conversation about this so-called Reggie [the question that brought the most puzzled look was "does he work here?"], my friend mentioned something about Jamaica. 

Oh, Reggae....right.  Yeah, I love reggae, dawg.

R and R

No, not rest and relaxation; the other "R & R"...y'know, "Rage and Reflux".  Yeah, I got both. In Spades.  Oh sure, I know it's a new year (2006, by the way) and I'm supposed to be all happy and whatnot.  But have you noticed I haven't been "wiaring"? [ed note: "wiary" = web diary, it's 2006 and we'll make this term stick; I hate the word "blog"]  Yeah, no writing because everything SUCKS ASS right now. 

Pshew, thank goodness I got all the histrionics out of the way!  Well, nothing much going on here, really...except for that ass sucking business....not a good thing, really.  Oh yeah, I did embarass myself in the elevator today, that's a fun topic I'm sure you are all dying to hear about.  Some woman held the door of the elevator for me, I said "Thank You" and she said "mumblemumblemumble"; which I thought meant "Which floor would you like?" so I answered "Third floor please" (yes, I AM polite).  She hit the button...but not happily.  And then I realized she had said "Yer welcome"...oh...right ....but through this misunderstanding, I had subsequently forced her into servitude, seeming as if I could not sully my hands by touching the buttons myself.  Then I spent the agonizing five floor trip in silence, not wanting to break the "elevator code of silence" and make her think I'm crazier than I am.   Well, it SEEMED embarrassing at the time, okay.  No, I am NOT overthinking things....leave me alone.  I'm sleep deprived (do you see why I haven't blogged in a while?).

message in a bottle

message in a bottle
Originally uploaded by puma1.

y'know, I couldn't just apologize for my hiatus like a normal fella.