Rube

Alright, so today was the absolute last day I could call our cable company to get our service renewed before they shut it off.  Have I had a tirade about this yet?  No?  Well I'll get the dry-erase board ready, and you better wear comfortable clothes, because it's gonna be awhile before we're done.  However, right now, I don't have the time.  

Currently, we are paying 80 something dollars per month for our broadband and cable.  We are paying $80 dollars to have our lives sucked away by a glowing box.  80 bucks to see Talon and Kristin from Laguna Beach act like idiots.  80 Bucks to watch episodes of "24" for the millionth time.  80 bucks to be subjected to the Tony Danza show.  And all that would have been over, if it wasn't for her.

Stupid Charter Kelly...if that is your real name [ok, it's actually not]....with your smooth talking and your coercive ways.  I was ready to just get the broadband internet access and NO cable...you hear me?  NO TV at all!!  Tivo be damned [you know I don't mean it baby, i was just riled up].  I was steeled against the Man at the cable company.  But I did not count on your cunning wiles and trickery.  I have met my match.

Charter Kelly (CK): How may I help you?

Me (ME): Umm, yeah, I want to... [gulp]...cancel my cable....

CK:[audible gasp] Why?!? What's wrong? [palpable concern in her voice]

ME: It's just too expensive and I waste so much time with it

CK: Well, which channels are you unhappy with?

ME: well, all of them, they're useless [i'm thinking: "you're good, Charter Kelly.  trying to talk me down from the ledge.  But I'm on to you"]

CK:  Lets work on a package that you're more happy with, okay?

ME: Okay [what the fuck am I doing? I was supposed to be strong and cancel, ABORT ABORT ABORT]

CK: Do you want to keep your internet?

ME: Oh hells yeah, yo!  I don't think I could live without the "Butterstick Panda Cam"

CK: well, that by itself, at your current speed would cost you 74 dollars per month....plus taxes and fees....

ME: ....[oooh, you bitch]....but....that costs more than i'm paying now?!? [perplexed]

CK: Well when it's not part of one of our packages, it will cost alot more.

ME:....[wearily and defeated]...ok...tell me about your packages...

CK: what kind of channels do you watch?

ME: I totally only watch the Fitness channel, and the Food Network, and the Learning channel...and sometimes the Parenting channel [do we even have that?].  I love education.  And Kids.  But not in the molesting way.  [look dude, she's an operator in Thailand or something, why are you trying to impress her?].

CK: Um...okay...well we can try the Extended Basic package that has all of those channels...which will cost you 105 dollars per month...plus taxes and fees....

ME: [grrrr...you are tricksy...]  So, it will cost me less to get 40 more "premium" channels?

CK: Yup.  We have great deals.

ME: [I loathe you]  Fine, you win, I guess I'll stick with the same package.

CK: Hey, that's great!  But you're special deal is up, so it will be about 15 bucks more a month than you're paying now...but its still the cheapest package we have and a much better deal than just broadband access alone..

ME: [You keep using the words "cheaper" and "deal"....I'm not so sure you know what those words mean...]  fine....that's fine...I'll take that...  

CK: [triumphantly] Is there anything else I can help you with?  [subtext: I could sell your own kidney back to you if I wanted to, asshat]

ME: No, no, my spirit is sufficiently broken.  Thanks for your help.

Sorry to break it to you dudes, but our cable is even more expensive now....as you can see, it totally wasn't my fault....she's an evil genius...we don't stand a chance.  I'm gonna go cry now.