dimanche, décembre 25, 2005

These Tears of Laughter

So, I wasn't able to be with my family this Christmas, but talked to them early this morning.  Initially I was completely depressed after my four year old cousin begged me to drive back home to see her (I actually considered making the nine hour drive since she's the only woman in the world that actually wants to see me).  However, I could not stop laughing after my sister told me what my mom got her for Christmas.  I had told my mom that I was reading this good book by Malcolm Gladwell and that my sister would enjoy it.  So to my sister's surprise, she unwrapped a wonderful new copy of "Bling"   Close enough, moms.

Saddest Quo

Man, it's kind of sad when you come home on Christmas morning to find one of your rommates sitting alone in the twilight of a winter's day watching "Terms of Endearment".  Where's my hemlock?

samedi, décembre 24, 2005

Oh Crap!

Hey, merry almost christmas, yo!!!  I totally forgot that I will be at my friends place in Chicago tonight! How the fuck is Santa gonna know where I am?!?!?  Somebody got his celly number?  How's he gonna know where to deliver this?!?!? (NSFW)

vendredi, décembre 23, 2005

You can't out-ninj a ninja, dawg

So, I may have been super sleep deprived and I may have been half asleep. But, dude, do not even try to sneak up on me....cuz I will pounce on you like a CAT...a ROBOT NINJA PIRATE CAT. For Rills [I can't stop saying it].

Lady Lumps

If I hear the phrase "lovely lady lumps" in the near future, I'm pretty sure that my head will implode.  Damn you, Black Eyed Peas, damn you to H-E-double hockey sticks (i'm sitting next to a mormon).  That damn song ["my humps"] is in my friggin head and I can't get it out.  No rendition of "Private Dancer" will push it out.  It will be the death of me soon.  For the record, I have previously stated that if I had a time machine, I would either prevent the killing of Abraham Lincoln or stop the duel of Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton (have you seen the ten dollar bill? a shame to waste such great hair).  However, let it be known that I now realize that I use the time machine to stop "My humps" from being recorded....and also prevent the rise and domination of Andy Dick, of course.
 
And by the way, it's incorrect to say "I'm in a smoking sensation program" asshat, it's "smoking CESSATION"...though prolly not as fun.

Bruised

Ugh.  Long night.  And for the first time in approximately thirty years, I have bruised.  I've broken my nose before, I've gotten into fights (i initially typed "gotten my ass kicked" but that sounds way less cool than this), I've played contact sports (poorly), I've snowboarded [on my face], blah blah blah...but I have never once bruised.   That is until last night....I wonder if my finger is broken...regardless, my "pinky" is doing double time this morning to make up for the wounded "ringless finger"....and it keeps wanting to replace "o's" with "p's"....I guess I'm not down with " O.P.P." today and typing the word "poop" is completely out of the question....it also seems that I confused everyone this morning when I told them I ate "patmeal" for breakfast.  Why I'm changing "o's" for "p's" verbally is beyond me.

jeudi, décembre 22, 2005

All Ashy

For some reason, my tie is ridiculously tight this morning...yes, yes, I have tried to loosen it but it looks like crap then..."form before function", I always say.  And my skin is ridiculously dry this morning.  gross.  Crap, my office-mate is here.  I have to pretend to be working.
 
By the way, did my roommate ever come home last night?  I don't think so, unless he came in after eleven and left before 5:30.  If he was "makin bacon" that'd be great, I would actually applaud that (or "Makin Seitan" for the vegetarians).  However, I think more likely explanation is that his work is keeping there for ungodly hours.  Thank goodness I'm lazy.

mercredi, décembre 21, 2005

Repressed in the Midwest

 Hey anybody have any new years resolutions?  Anything super great happen this past year?  Any good stories?  Good albums? good books?  um...good ....fortune cookies?  Should we have a new years party?  Have your new years always sucked, too?
Yeah, I'm bored.  Sorry.

a Whole Lotta Lynxies:
-Really cool "pixelated" serving dishes and plates
-What were the top searches of 2005?  I thought it would be Katrina or something....y'know what?  The real answer depresses me.
-The 100 best (whoa, almost wrote breast, where's my head?) wines of 2005.
-Nobody reads your blog?  Yeah, me neither.  Wanna make it look like they do?  Well, hire these guys to write fake posts for you.  Y'know, you're only cheating yourselves.
-Life imitates art: movie "3-iron" about a man that breaks in and fixes things instead of stealing; actually happened recently in Beijing...except slightly more perverted.  (haven't seen 3 iron yet, but the trailers looked really interesting)
-Lolita at 50 - still shocking? Slate.com article about whether this classic novel still is capable of causing a stir.  I'm reading it now and like it; unfortunately it's taken a backburner to a million other things.
-Hijinks at my sorta alma-mater: during finals week, two guys dressed up like pac man characters and paraded through the library (UGLi) and computer lab (the fishbowl).  Pretty funny, kinda annoying.  I got kicked out of the fishbowl for throwing erasers at my friend.  He started it.  jerk.
-Apparently, humans don't understand mirrors.  I read the article...and I guess I don't understand mirrors, either.  It makes it sound like "Humans don't understand it" but monkeys, fish, cats, slugs, etc. all understand it and now we're the laughing stock of the animal kingdom...stupid science jerks making us feel bad about ourselves.
-Hey my roommate and I just tried this flashlight photobox...except mine was just holding a piece of printer paper in front of the light....theirs is a little more complex.  Did I mention we are morons?
-Are you tired of just balling your napkins up before a meal? Well learn how to fold 'em all fancy-like here.
-Man truly is the king of beasts...the paragon of all animals.  A ten bird roast .  Gross. I'm gonna become a vegetarian.
-Huh, seems kinda strange to me...Game where you fight a colossal woman....Does that say breast data acquisition?!?!?
-Really love fonts?  Yeah, well tell the world that Helvetica kicks Arials ass with these font hoodies.
-Sexiest Geeks of 2005 (not fully sfw).  Xeni made it, without a doubt.  Huh, imagine that, I'm not on the list.  I also like violet's list of podcasts
-Apparently, cock soup is popular....along with Barfy meet patties (which reminds of this site, that has a million hilarious "engrish" products)
-So, as stated before, I love year end lists...yeah, yeah, I know everyone hates them and the same shit is said over and over....but they make me feel superior to the poor schlub that made the list.  However, this "best of 2005" list intrigued me cuz I'm not actually sure it's a "best of" lst but may actually be ALL the albums released this year. 
-And Pitchfork's top 50!

Solstice


sidewalk
Originally uploaded by puma1.
yeah, i kinda feel like the expression on this sidewalk sculptures face. Except with waaaay more rage.
Today kinda blew because I've decided everybody at work is lazy. No, that is not a sweeping statement; you'd totally agree with me if you knew the people at my work.

Though, the funniest statement of the day was "WHAT?!?!? Elton John is GAY?!?"

mardi, décembre 20, 2005

Self Esteem

One of my supervisors was working with me today.  She's great and alot of fun, but she's in her 70s and says EXACTLY what she's thinking....often lacking tact or sensitivity....usually at my expense....and today was no different.  We were talking to one of our clients who had recently grown a beard.  And granted, it did look
bad.  So she asks "What the hell is that?" and he explains that it's cold outside and he works outside alot, so the beard helps.  And then she says "Okay, I'll accept that" and then she turns to me and asks "So, then what's your excuse?"  Thanks boss, that's exactly what I needed.
Links:
.-I hate the Salon.com day pass...I end up just naviagating away; I used to read salon religiously, but I haven't read it in months.  Way to go.  No link, just thought I'd let you know I hate it.
-This seems like a bad idea...and a great party.
-Cool, I can finally BE Tron.
-Really bad name for soup

Always an Honor Coming from You

An open letter to Bill O' Reilly,

What is your problem?  Yeah, yeah, I know you specialize in being a jackoff, that's how you get your fame.  I'm fine with that.  No, what I'm asking is...what is your problem with ME specifically?  If you wanna tustle, I'll tustle.  But why you gotta mess wid my shit behind my back?  You knew I'd hear about.  What?  Oh, act like you don't know what I'm talking about, wus.  First you make fun of my home town last week:

 In Saginaw, Michigan, the township opposes red and green clothing on anyone. [Laughing] In Saginaw Township, they basically said, anybody, we don't want you to wear red or green. I would dress up head to toe in red to green if I were in Saginaw, Michigan.

What the hell?  Yeah asshat, I would like to see you dressed in red and green prancing around the 'Naw.  They ban those colors cuz red and green are gang colors, byotch.  Well, no, that's not true....see?  I know the difference between fact and fiction.  Learn from me, O'Reilly.  But then you turn around and insult my current town:

From the December 13 edition of Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor. (the followup comments from mediamatters is even funnier)

O'REILLY: All right, well, listen, Jackson, we respect your opinion, but you're dead wrong on this one. Now --

BAIN: Well, maybe.

O'REILLY: -- in the South, Richmond Times[-Dispatch], for example.

BAIN: Right.

O'REILLY: Now, this is a conservative city, Richmond. I mean, this is not Madison, Wisconsin, where you expect those people to be communing with Satan up there in the Madison, Wisconsin, media.

BAIN: Sure.


Um...alright.  Neither of these make any sense to me....are you sure you don't smoke crack?


Rude shower


I came home today to this message in our shower. I guess our shower is pissed at us. I may or may not have added the "chubs" part, but you know it meant it. Anyway, this is what it looked like from downstairs....gross.

Must be Really Good Chips

Watching the news (!) over breakfast (!!), there was a story about a local robbery.  In the local station's desire to make everything seem important, they had a split screen with the newscaster on one side and bullet points on the other.  The "important" bullet points were as follows:
-Robbery at Jimmi Johns, 2803 University Ave
-Employees Tied up at gunpoint
-Safe not opened
-Chips Stolen
I can only imagine the sorry state of affairs when those robbers are at home, wiping the barbecue residue onto their "Thievin' pants".

lundi, décembre 19, 2005

Secret Blogs

So, I was over at Kottke.org reading his posts when I stumbled across a post about secret blogs.  He says there are a remarkably high number of people that post to their secret blogs.  And somewhat surprisingly, is the immensely personal things they put on their blogs.  [i say surprising due to the nature of the blog that anyone can stumble on to].  I myself have I think 6 (!) blogs/wikis...but most of them lie dormant...waiting for bloggermaggedon when this site shuts down.  And the other one is discuss my deepest, darkest secrets.  You're tortured, aren't you?  [well, it's not here or here, that's for sure] [NSFW]

SNL Sketch: Chronicles of Narnia sketch.  Chris Parnell's raps are the funniest ever, and this one does not disappoint.  Thanks B for showing me this.
SNL Sketch: The Woomba
pretty rad: print a picture on a geranium leaf....really old school photography.

Wasn't there a 'Different Strokes' episode about this?

So today work wasn't that bad...I was actually able to sneak out 20 minutes early....small victories.  And when I got home, I thought I would make myself a snack; pita and hummous.  I decided to toast my pita in the oven and put it in.  I was pouring myself some water and the doorbell rang.  Uh oh, who's that?  This guy wearing workboots is there; I open the inside door as he opens the outside door.  And he's just staring at me and starts moving forward.  Whoa, whoa, whoa chief!  Where do you think you're going [child molester]?  "Is there a shower in here?"  Um, yeah boss, but you can't use it.  "Your landlord told me to take a look at the leak"  Oh right, well I guess you can come in.  You ask where it's leaking to?  Well, I'd put my money on the HUGE GAPING HOLE IN THE CEILING.  Okay, let's take a look at the shower stall upstairs.  No, I agree, no obvious place we could find either.  Alright, I'll turn on the water and we'll see if it leeks through the ceiling.  No luck, huh?  Say what?!?  You want me to get in the shower to see if weight makes a difference.....um, okay....hey, wait a minute, this kinda skeezes me out.  You're not gonna have me re-enact Tarzan are you?  gross.  Alright, well, that seems to have done the trick, a bunch of water came down.  Oh, you're gonna come back tomorrow to try and fix it.  Super.  See ya later.  I still feel dirty.
Does anyone reading this see a problem with this story?  No?  Yeah, I didn't either; kinda creepy, but not much else.  That is, until I turned around and saw BLACK SMOKE BILLOWING FROM THE OVEN FROM THE CHARRED PITA.  For fuck sake.

Issues

Today has gotten off to a strange start:
1) I'm still cleaning off pieces of apple that I spit out after taking a big bite out of it and finding that it was disgustingly mealy.  yuck.
2) I went to dinner at some friends house last night; their dog is adorable but I'm terribly allergic and am still having trouble breathing...i'm gonna O.D. on albuterol soon...
3) You know when you have to go to the bathroom really bad, and just barely make it to the bathroom?  Yeah, that happened this morning...with the added stress of realizing, at the last second, that I was wearing long-johns as an extra layer to wrestle with.  Close call.  Pshew.  I truly live a hard life.  I'm surprised I made it out of the fourth grade.

Walking in a Winter Hinterland

My goodness is it cold outside.  They said it was -4F WITHOUT windchill...brrrr.  The high today said "0's"....is that a range?  I'm not familiar with that scale, it must have been after differential equations in college math.  All I know is that I think I froze off my babymakers...they're somewhere in the driveway, I think....I hope I didn't run one of them over.
 
Links:
-The Longest Palindrome.  Also, a kick ass wikipedia entry on palindromes.  Though not the movie "Palindromes" which I heard was disturbing and right up my alley...maybe sometime this week?
- Gross Abuse: Drug companies flocking to India to conduct trials, likely recruiting poorly informed subjects
-Hilarious Santa Hack: some guy bought a 50 dollar singing/dancing santa from walmart and hacked it to change it into a drunk santa

dimanche, décembre 18, 2005

Rage

alright, so I put a bunch of links in a post earlier this evening....and in all of its glory, a million copies showed up as usual on this site. So I deleted all but one...or so I thought....because I think due to a lag, I deleted every copy of the post. Anyway, here's a half assed attempt to recoup the losses:

-Love your moleskin? Yeah, me too. Check out these moleskin mods
-Take great photos of holiday lights with these tips
-Big Balls, small brains - the sex lives of bats. I have no comment.
-Are you a jerk? Is your boyfriend a jerk? Have him read this. Don't know whether it's funny or sad.
-Open Letter to Lance: a humorous article that suggests some things to spice up Lance Armstrong's screenplay
-Daily Dancer: a programmer dancing to various songs. Funny. And the only time i will accept hearing "lovely lady lumps" without clawing my eyes out
-Make a multimedia movie: a how-to guide
-Google transit trip planner: pretty rad idea.
-Implanted brass nuckles: kinda creeps me out. I can just hear "No, your mother was a freakshow when she was younger and thought it would be crazy fun to implant all this fucked up shit under her skin; don't you be like her, little Timmy." Some of the other links are way more disturbing and definitely NSFW.
-Ever wonder how long after marriage Japanese brides cut the cheese? wonder no longer.
-Hey, did you misplace your foreskin? Yeah, me too! Well, now we don't have to be embarassed sporting one of these.
-Breaking News!: Crocs top elephants as biggest threat to Zimbabweans. Now, after thinking about your local news, don't you feel like a pussy?
-Have an ipod? Live in DC? - try these Slate Magazine monument tour podcasts
-Strange Brokeback Mt. Merchandise: Ride Jake

Lewis and Aslan?

Maybe I have the CS Lewis books on the brain since I saw the Chronicles of Narnia this past weekend. It was really good, I thought; somewhat cheesy, but I knew the story going in. But it seems that perhaps the line of fact and fiction are a little blurred for some people. Take the new nickel, for example....Lewis and Clark or is it the Dawn Treader? (well, okay, minus the sea serpent).

totally ranted out

Pshew! I'm completely ranted out! It's really remarkable how much I can whine. Yeah, I can go on all night long. But, I think that's enough for a while....at least for this weekend.

samedi, décembre 17, 2005

Rant: You Lost the Bet, Dude

Dear Loser of the Bet,

My roommate and I watched a Hungarian movie called "Kontrol", a thriller about transit cops and a series of murders in the subway [spoiler coming]. At the end, one of the characters is running away from the killer and the killer was killed by the train....and my roommate bet the cost of dinner that the killer was the main character's love interest. But the last scene is the main character and the love interest walking out of the terminal. THE KILLER IS DEAD AND THE GIRL WALKS OUT. SHE WAS NOT THE KILLER. YOU LOSE.

Dude you know you totally lost the bet. Why are you in denial?

Yeah, I know it doesn't help that I kept singing "I am the Champion". Sorry. Loser.

Rant: Netflix

Dear Netflix,

You know I like you. But you also know we've been spending alot of time together....maybe too much. And honestly, I think you're getting too personal and sharing too much information. For example, here is a recent email you sent me:

Dear j****,

As someone who enjoyed Intimacy, we thought you'd like to know about A Hole in My Heart.

What the fuck, yo? First of all, I do enjoy intimacy, don't make it all past tense and judgemental....sure, I may not have had "intimacy" in a while, but don't make it seem like I'll never have it again, asshat. And what the fuck's up with telling me about the hole in your heart? I don't want to know your problems, I hardly know you. Is that some goth/masochists way of telling me I broke your heart or something? that's fucked up, dude. You need to stay away from me, Netflix, you got problems.

Rant: Dude in coffee shop

Dear Dude in the Coffee shop,

I don't know you but I know I don't like you. And I totally know it was you that just "let one go" and it's disgusting; you really should consider changing your eating habits or something. There is an abundance of open tables here this morning, why did you decide to SIT RIGHT NEXT TO ME? And your jacket stinks too, by the way. And apparently you can read this from where you're sitting and currently are. Oops. See ya.

Rant: Blogger

Dear Blogger,
I first want to say thanks for letting me use this space, it's really nice of you and it helps me vent incoherently. However....yeah, there's always a "however".....However, it seems you have recently become retarded. Yes, yes, I know it's a free service and I should shut my cake hole but really, if you're going to offer a service, you gotta know you're gonna get complaints (This is America, we have the freedom to complain about everything and we're all really whiny, if you hadn't noticed.) Between the multiple reposts of the same item (no, I did NOT hit the publish post button repeatedly), the extraordinary lag-time after posts before they show up sometimes, the repeated loss of connection, and the frequent outtages (and no, my content is NOT objectionable, have you seen the smut on these things? Yeah, well, I only read it cuz I feel like I need to do the research....repeatedly....to make sure that societal standards are upheld and whatnot). You're killing me. Do I have to PAY for decent service? Oh, I do? Right. Well then. Sorry to bother you. Nevermind.

vendredi, décembre 16, 2005

Hot


CIMG0489 (Medium)
Originally uploaded by puma1.
Remember when there was this glowing globe of fire in the sky that would keep us warm? Yeah, me neither. Anyone want to move way off the grid to where the bugs are bigger than my head? Yeah, me too. When is winter done?

jeudi, décembre 15, 2005

List-ening post

Look, that was the cleverest pun i could come up with, leave me alone; i'm tired. And because of this fatigue, there's not going to be much of a post. However, I WILL tak this time to list my top ten albums of 2005! I LOVE list time at the end of the year.
So Here they are:

1) Funeral - Arcade Fire
2) Picaresque - Decemberists
3) silent alarm - Bloc Party
4) Late Registration - Kanye West
5) Illinois - Sufjan Stevens
6) Arular - MIA
7) Twin Cinemas New Pornographers
8) Feist - Let it die
9) Takk - sigur ros
10) Tournament of Hearts - constantine

Others: Get Behind Me Satan - The White Stripes, Plans - Death Cab For Cutie, LCD Soundsystem s/t, Demon Days - Gorrilaz, Clap Your Hands say yeah, in the reigns - iron and wine + calexico, Separation Sunday - The Hold Steady, guero - Beck, I'm wide awake, it's Morning - Bright Eyes, You could have it so much better - Franz Ferdinand, Alligator - The National, the go! team - thunder, lightening, strike, rogue wave - descended like vultures, Wolf parade, Spoon - gimme fiction

mercredi, décembre 14, 2005

fun?

Hey...guess what color you get when you write random numbers and letters into your "background color" slot?

mardi, décembre 13, 2005

3rd graders

Tonight at dinner, B and I burst out into laughter when our other roommate inquired about our new shower stall and asked if they used "industrial strength cock" (I know it's "caulk" but it SOUNDS the same).  So juvenile.

Rude Boy

Okay, I used to pride myself on being a semi-nice guy.  Apparently that era of my life has ended and I've become a complete jerk; I recognize it...and to some extent embrace it.  Case in point:  Today I was paged by a woman that I CANNOT STAND talking to.  How do I say this...conversations with her make me want to gouge my eyes out with the fragments of my own shattered teeth (yikes, it's true, but it even kinda creeps me out).  Anyway, she pages me and I know she wants to talk about our new years eve party. So I paged her back just telling her to email me her thoughts and concerns; I didn't feel like even addressing her in person.  Rude.

Bad Start to Gray Tuesday

Today is already off to a bad start.  I was buying some coffee this morning at the cafe at work and the cashier was pulling the register closer to herself.  She said "If I don't pull the register close, I'll get back pain".  To which my sluggish brain replied "That's good".  And she looks at me quizzically and asks "What's good?  Back pain?"...apparently my inflection was off and those pesky dangling modifiers get me in trouble once again.   Reeling from the unexpected early morning offensive, my caffeine-less brain went on a three minute mumbling mess of a conversation about how workplace ergonomics are important and that everyone should be aware of their bodies and how our work affects it....blah, blah, blah.  Ugh.  I should have said "Yes, I wish you horrible horrible back pain.  I subscribe to Schadenfreude (pleasure at others pain)." 
 
Why is my background color gray? (is it "gray" or "grey"? I'm having all sorts of trouble today....and that rhymes, sweet).  It's because of this: in protest of Warner shutting down the Green Day mashup album "Dean Gray: American Edit".  Like the "Gray Album" (Grey?), this remixes songs off "American Idiot" and is supposed to be great (haven't heard it yet...may never get to...but I LOVE the Gray Album).  Read more on boing boing, here

Salsbury Hill

You know, I have been meaning to write movie and record reviews on this site but that would require more work that I've been able to put in. Though, today we did see In Good Company that was actually pretty good (Scarlett Johannsen looks great) with a great soundtrack. But they use Peter Gabriel's "Salsbury Hill"....like every other romantic comedy (see the shining trailer below). So B and I decided to make movies only with that song; I think it'd be great.

Alright Dooce, Leta is cute, but does she compare to THIS?!?!? (man, it's so saccharine sweet it makes me nauseated....is that a fawn with a dog?! Especially with the titles like "Awfully Fawn'd of You". We don't stand a chance.

The shining trailer if done as a romantic comedy; West Side story as a horror flick. Both are really funny.

Almost forgot; Rex's List of Lists again this year.

Just hangin chilly up here. Good Night.

lundi, décembre 12, 2005

Yep, I'm a Jerk

Alright, I kinda feel bad about my previous post. The girl in front of me was enjoying the show and I was being a jerk. And I don't really hate the smell of patchouli, it justs reminds of my hippie, non-showering, dead-listening high school friends. Wait...okay, I like being reminded of my friends....so I guess that means I really just hate the smell of patchouli. Yep. This apology isn't going so well.
Anyway....I'm still at work and today was just a crap day. So, instead of whining about, here are some more lynxes that amuse me:
-I think Family Circus is hilarious...and now even moreso when influenced by Chthulo: see it here.
-Sploosh: mentos + sodas = a mess in the kitched. dang
-Make Flipbooks with your videos.
-Blogging with a wooden tongue - Wired article by Momus about "official" blogs
-From Wonkette: tagline "I can't be the only one reminded of spinal tap".
-Best Machine in the Gym? Thank god it ain't the treadmill...You hear me? I hate you treadmill.
-Got time to waste? Here are 74 band names represented in this picture. Good Luck.
-D.C. Pre 1980 - can you see a difference? Oh yeah, all that grift.
-Bike as an iPod battery charger. Pretty Cool.
-Also very cool. Would get this bike jersey if they weren't ridiculously expensive. These, too (helmet covers).
-DIY camera equipment. Rad. Something to waste my time with. More than usual.
-Lo-Fi way to extend your apple airport express: a chinese laddle. brilliant.
-How to make a bow. Wish I had this last week. No, actually, I don't.
-Gross. People use the internet while in the bathroom. But THIS makes more sense then. (Yeah, I only talk to people on the phone while in the bathroom...that is TOTALLY normal)
-

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I feel dirty now

The Two Of You

An Open Letter to the Girl in front of me and The Screamer,
 
Greetings to both of you.  I hope that you had good nights rest after that wonderful show last night.  Seeing Calexico and Iron and Wine was so great, right?  And I had never been in the Congress Theater before, had you?  Yes, it was beautiful; and enormous!  My Word!
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it as well....which makes me hesitant to say these words.  "Girl in front of me", you do realize that the moniker I have given you is the kindest I could have possibly given you, right?  I could have called you "Stinky patchouli Girl" or "Ravenously eating popcorn messily girl" or "beer spilling girl" or "Horrible Cackle Girl" or "Scarf flying into everyone's face when you dance girl" or...well, I could go on, but I won't since that would be rude (and I am obviously the paragon of politeness).
What seems to be "in my craw" (to use the vernacular) is your incessant chattering about a phrase that another gentleman, "The Screamer", (as we shall call him, since I presume his mother lacked the foresight to name him this from birth) um...screamed.  The phrase was "More Cowbell".  Now, please don't encourage "The Screamer" as you did with your uncontrolled laughter, chortle, and snort (yes, snort).  He should be reprimanded, not condoned.  Has this phrase taken the place of concert-douche-bags screaming "Freebird!"?  Let us hope not.
Now, the most disturbing thing about this whole incident was your explanation of why you were laughing so hard.  This is the reason for this letter since I feel you should be corrected.  You repeteadly gasped that it comes from a Saturday Night Live skit (true) starring Mike Myers (wrong) and Christopher Walken (true).  You then went on to describe how crazily Mike Myers (wrong still) hit his cowbell and that people (what people?) asked him for more (sort of right, it was Walken).  The skit was actually a take on the making of Blue Oyster Cult's song "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" starring Christopher Walken and Will Ferrell amongst others in 2000.  During the recording session, Walken, playing a super producer, keeps saying that this song needs more cowbell ("I coulda used more cowbell", etc.).  And, after several attempts, Ferrell goes crazy with the cowbell and "get's it right".  The result was humorous.  The fallout has been, to put it curmudgeon-y, annoying.  It has since been covered by Wilco, mentioned several times on ESPN, the New Yorker, and Collegehumor.com.    Busted Tees makes a t-shirt with the saying that has sold out many times over.  Walken wants to shoot himself in the face every time he hears it.  And this past May, Queens of the Stone Age played on SNL, with Ferrell on Cowbell [wired magazine].  It's not clever.  It's annoying.  Let it die.  Do you see anyone else screaming catchphrases like "You look mahvelous" or "Whatchou talkin bout, Willis"?  No, because that would be stupid.  Whatchou talkin' bout Willis, indeed.

dimanche, décembre 11, 2005

Dead Beat Blogger

Man, it has been a while since I posted. I was supposed to have all sorts of time at the end of the week, but it's been a bear of a week. Nothing too exciting really. I've decided I'm getting my "winter ghetto booty" and I better start eating better....um....tomorrow. I think i'm gonna go get some food at a meal I like to call "lunchfast" or sometimes "Brunch"; yes, I think I'll copywrite that.

Alright, I need to get some sustenance. Here's some links, more to come I'm sure since I have nothing exciting to write about.
-Another Trailer Mashup: the Shining and the West side story ones were hilarious, this one's about Big.
-Dang, I knew I shoulda been an artist; scientists have proven that artists get laid more....way to go science for proving the obvious.
-I cannot believe this; I loved this kid in "A Bronx Tale" (DeNiro's directorial debut in the 90's) and it's amazing to me that he's now a cop killer. Oh C, how far you've fallen. Sad.
-beautiful pencil carvings

mercredi, décembre 07, 2005

MSG?

What does this fortune I got today mean?!??
"you are the mst of every situation"
mst?!? um....mature snake tamer?
mega-sissy tard?
maple syrup tainter?
most stinkiest tuna?
mystery satan transformer?
maximum security titty?
murderin' sonofa tampon?
mall security taser?
martin sheen's testicle? Wait, that MUST be it...I am SO the martin sheen's testicle of every situation. Huzzah!

mardi, décembre 06, 2005

repentance

Dear Lord,
I know not why I doubted thee. You surely are the creator of the world and this "evolution" MUST be heresy. I realized my error tonight after consuming a jalepeno based product at 0245 AM. Surely, if this "evolution" were true, creatures that make such poor choices, as I do, would have been destroyed long ago. (However, as a counter point, my personality issues have effectively prevented me from making offspring....evolution or cruel god? either way, it's a severely effective form of contraception). Oh Lord, help me hence, please smote this evil reflux!

lundi, décembre 05, 2005

Doom Generation

Machines are everywhere.  They affect almost every facet of our lives.  But, somehow, we have managed to keep the upper hand.  That is, until now.  Bow to your Robot overlords.  We do not stand a chance.  I surrender.
Check it out here.

dimanche, décembre 04, 2005

Fast Women


in the pack
Originally uploaded by puma1.
So, last night we had a huge snowstorm that dumped a couple of inches on the city. But, that didn't stop the coiffed, pierced, and tatt'd throngs (yes, throngs; and that's with an "r"). It was packed and actually really fun. It TOTALLY wasn't the tight fitting outfits or the short skirts....or the hope that they would accidentally start to make out. Oh, Denise Lightning, oh Mouse; you clutched my attention....and my heart ...for most of the two out three periods. Oh yeah, and then there were the belly dancers...sigh (oh yeah, except some of them may have been dudes).

Petit Morte (NSFW)

Alright, I'll admit, there are times when my libido seems to run away with me; more than usual, that is. Maybe this was made worse than by the Roller Derby or maybe those Overstock.com commercials or the new J.Crew catalog....or maybe I'm just a dirty boy. Yeah, that's prolly it. And the internet is a horrible enabler: (none of these are safe for work, be forewarned) The past few weeks, the various aggregate sites have been filled with bawdiness, here's a sampling:
-Kiss of death:Very sad: girl with peanut allergy dies after kiss
-Xeni's article about the sex machine's next door....unsung work by inventors that likely won't win the nobel.
-Em and Lo comment on the new monogamy
-Dear Lord. So, if it isn't bad enough that we get international male catalogs, lets hope we don't get on this email list: ridiculous advances in banana hammock technology. And similarly, the LED g-string; why say it, when you can broadcast it on your underwear?
-Response to Maureen Dowd's book "Are Men Necessary"...the only ten words that women need to effectively communicate with men
-This woman will definitely be going to another supermarket from now on; possibly the most embarrassing thing EVAR to happen to someone
-like coffee a little too much? Well, if coffee turns you on....
-Um...unfortunate headline from a novia scotia paper, involving jobs and RIM and whatnot
-Fat Ass: the holiday season always has an increase in copier repairs, often because people break through the copy machine glass with their asses. Geniuses.
-Way to go India: indian actress pelted with objects and arrested for her views on female sexuality. We've come a long way, baby.
-Bad Sex: The guardians yearly bad sex award for crappy sex scenes in literature
-Good Sex: Hot on the heels of the bad sex awards, the times tries to bring dignity back to literature...or at least actually exciting smut.
-Love potion No. 9: new nasal spray causes almost instant arousal; but mostly tested on rats and men....did they really need a spray for that?
-got perv on your gift list? well get one from the best of the sexy gift guide from the Voice
-I can't believe this guy totally stole my byline. From Nerve.
-funny: amish erotic stories.
-Well, if you felt any arousal, this will knock it right out of you: CRAZY rugby fan.
-Sex sells: sexifying (is that a word?) chess
-greedy bastard: virile lion....should be very very sleepy and prolly has herpes FOR SURE.
-Science ruins it again: apparently love fades over time. Explains alot. I'm gonna go cry.
-Patagonia with their new underwear recycling program. Awesome, they raise the bar again. Now i know where to send this
-50 cent is an idiot: corporate sellout wants to make a vibrator of his manhood... the best week ever has a great quote "A real gangster would just sleep with all his female fans. He wouldn't need no stinkin' vibrator."
-Nipples: apparently Coco the ape has a nipple fetish; it's okay coco, but i'm more of a leg man.
-Amazon.com: a search for "badonkadonk" gives you a varied and interesting bunch of results

Two Things

So, a friend of mine blogged about a strange occurrence at her local Target (read here). The gist of it was that one woman erroneously confused another woman as a Target employee and the resulting fallout. Today, I had a somewhat similar experience. After the gym, I went to Target to get some light bulbs and what not. While shopping, an elderly woman came up to me and asked me if I worked there. Now, in contrast to the aforementioned blog post by super-gee, I took absolutely no offense to her question and helpfully showed her to where I thought the coffee was.
But, what puzzled me was why did she think I worked there? First of all, I had an armload of stuff that I had pulled off the shelves. Not enough context clues? Well how about the bright red sweat pants? No, you're right, target's color are red, coulda been a new uniform. I think the biggest tip off *should* have been the fact that I was wearing a winter coat and hat. And why was she buying coffee at Target anyway?

vendredi, décembre 02, 2005

Pants on Fire

Alright, I have been very bad about blogging.  But really, who cares?  Do you really want to read me ramble on and on.  Oh really?  Well, I didn't know you even read this Mr. Chuck Norris!  Thanks very much for your kind words [and less of a thanks for your roundhouse kick].
Well, now that I know I have such an esteemed readership, I will fulfill my promise of publishing more posts....and by more posts, I mean a whole slew of random links in lieu of actual thoughtful blog posts....prolly over the weekend.  So there you go.  See, I even just published this post for no apparent reason and you read it.  Sorry.

mercredi, novembre 30, 2005

Bath in a Cup

So, I don't know if it's a midwest thing (though, I'm pretty sure it is) is the use of the GIANT coffee/soda mugs.  Not big as in 20-30 oz, I'm talking HUGE, as in 60-80-100 or more ounces.  You know, the ones with the large bore flexy straw/hose shooting out of the lid; with the little cap for the end of the straw, as if that's going to make it sanitary.  You still don't know?  Well here's an example. (and to give you scale, those are actual life-size people on the cup).  Anyway, I just love how the secretaries around here all walk around with this ginormous cups full of coffee with cream and sugar or soda; all the meanwhile complaining about how their diet isn't working.  Dear lord, I don't think I drink that much liquid in a week.  When I was travelling in India and Africa, we would take baths from buckets smaller than that.  And you know it's getting ridiculous when you see a cup with TWO handles for each hand, as a woman had this morning.  When will this mad cup-race end, people?
 
And I know folks have been clamouring for more links and pictures (yes, that's right, clamouring!; they're from the UK mostly, and thus the "ou")  So, here's a few, and if I have time later, you will be sorry....links galor (or is it galour?)...just space them out over a week, 'kay?
 
-Why is my energy bill so high?  Besides the fact that we leave lights on at all hours and have the heat cranked up too high....this could be a contributing factor.
-Hey! look at that jerk talking into a banana, you know, just like a jerk! Har Har, that looks HI-larious. Hey! I wanna talk into a banana, too!
-Mash ups - 50 cent mixed with queen = Q-unit.  I haven't downloaded the mashups yet, but the cd cover with fitty sportin a freddy mercury 'stache is pretty funny
-Make a poster of words and pictures....look, i can't describe it, if words and pictures and poster all interest you, this may be the link for you.
-The NY Times has this great series of articles about being a patient, the most recent one is very interesting, essentially it's about what to do if your doctor is a jerk.
-Tired of poluting the earth with your filth (like a jerk)?  Well, you can't help it, that's just how you are, you filthy polluter.  But these bike lights powered by magnets may help your filthy jerk image.
-Does your cell phone signal die inside your own tomb/apartment?  Well, stop being a jerk, and look into one of these signal boosters ...and tether your cell phone to the antenna! 
 
 

mardi, novembre 29, 2005

Jackson Rant

Screw you Peter Jackson and your damn entertaining, long ass, orc filled movies...I have better things to do than sit here for eight hours watching your damn hobbitses.....alright, yeah, I don't have anything better to do but c'mon man, let me pretend.

TiVoid

So this weekend, a friend and I were lamenting that while it was great and all to be home with the folks....there was something missing. We missed our TiVos. How many times this weekend did I need to pause my TV? Yes, that's right, two million. The coffee grinder, the dishwasher, the doorbell, my mom yelling something about her insulin....whatever. I need rewind, I need pause, I need fastforward. Stupid reality. Stupid realtime. And I just found out dooce agrees with me. It's a brave new world. [I know it's a complete misuse, however it sounds cool, right?]

lundi, novembre 28, 2005

Lime

You know you're having a bad day when you plan your day around going to a semi-fast food chain (qdoba) just so you can get some lime wedges for your much needed gin and tonic.
yum.

Slip of the Tongue

Alright, I need a short post, since everything else has been so prolix today.  I was just chuckling to myself remembering a conversation from this weekend.  My friend was talking to my family describing the state of the housing market in Madison.  She was talking pretty fast and accidentally said the word "condoms" instead of "condos".  Honest mistake, nobody really said anything; I did look down and started smiling but I did not make fun of her; I stayed surprisingly well behaved.  However, her personal embarrasment-o-meter must have been off the scale because she stopped mid-sentence, turned BRIGHT red, and then started laughing uncontrollably.  Um, I think THAT made it worse.  So, now my mom thinks my friend is a) a harlot or b) crazy.  But it gets me off the hook, I can totally blame my friend for my mom's recent find in my shaving kit.  She's a bad influence, mom.

More Ranting

See, this is what happens when i'm deprived of a place to vent....especially on a weekend filled with family.  Don't get me wrong, they're great....but too much light makes the baby go blind, so to speak.
 
Rant #361:  Genghis: So, one of my friends came over and was telling my family about a restaraunt that she went to called "Genghis Kahn" that is a Mongolian barbecue style restaurant.  My mom chimes in and says "Oh, you're father and I went to a restaurant like that last month."  And before the conversation started, I knew it would be trouble.  "What was that called, mom?"  I inquired.  My mom thought about it and replied "I think it was called "Janjes"."  "Ganges?" my sister asked.  "No, "jenjis"."  Sigh.  "Mom, was it spelled "G-E-N-G-H-I-S?"  "Yes, I think so"  Defeated, I say "It's pronounced "Genghis" and it's the same place we've been talking about."  and for the next THIRTY MINUTES we argued about whether it was the same place in the same same location; all the meanwhile my mom is repeating "Jenjis", "Janjis", "Jingus"....  Kill Me.  The conversation ended only when my sister pleaded "Oh, please make this stop!"
 
Rant #734:  The Great Mattress Swap 2005: My mom keeps a very tidy home (except for mousepads) and at any moment there are seven perfectly made beds throughout the house (yes, seven; don't ask).  On this particular weekend, we were having a plethora of houseguests which would require the service of ALL of these beds.  Families, and grandmas, and kids...oh my!  But, in order for everyone to be completely comfortable....at least, according to my mom's head....all the beds would have to be rearranged.  Over the course of four hours, my sister and I [under the unyielding fist of my mother] moved 5 of the seven beds [mattress, box spring, headboard, frame] up and down three staircases and reassembled them in their new homes.  Some mattresses were promoted (two twins to a King, hooray!), some were de-moted (sorry pal, you gotta go to the room over the garage); but all in all, the move was satisfactory to almost everyone.  Almost.  I slept on the couch.
 
Rant #921:  Blowing Up:  My parents have this great gas furnace.  Unfortunately, the pilot light always goes out.  If you know my parents, you would know that they think disaster is around every corner.  They are convinced that this thing is going to explode at any second.  I knew this fact when my mom asked me to re-light the pilot light.  What I did not know or notice is that they all left the room for fear of explosion, leaving me there by myself.....but at least they called my sister out of the room because she would be the fastest driver to the hospital.  Thanks for thinking of me guys.

The it guy

No, wait, that's wrong; i've never been the "it"guy. I mean to say "IT guy" [information technology] since whenever I go home, I am inundated with gadget-y requests. This time, I made my family write them down and give me their lists....mostly because I was too lazy to actually LISTEN to their requests [I was watching Bring it On, cut me some slack] but also in the hopes that they will see that their requests are ridiculous:
1) My Sister: who is only four years older than me and has to use computers on a daily basis...she should know everything that I know (my actual computer skills are marginal...as evident in this page) but she chooses not to...she's very smart, went to a high powered all women's school but apparently chooses to play the "i'm dumb" card...it kills me. Her list:
a) buy me a digital slr [subtext: I just bought myself a digital slr, she's jealous...she will have one before the end of the year]
b) buy me a new small digital camera [subtext: I bought her a canon sd400 two years ago, she abused it...hard...and now says it's broken...after further investigation, it seems the battery compartment is loose and she has no idea how to sync it to her computer....then I realize that she has lost the cable that attaches the camera to the computer (she doesn't have a card reader)....it's a key step....this is the SECOND time this has happened and the second ADDITIONAL cable I have given to her (three cables total)]
c) tell me how to sync to itunes [subtext: I bought her an iPod last year...LAST YEAR....and she is still struggling to sync it. The question "What happens in itunes when you plug in your ipod?" was met with a blank stare.
d) i have spyware, get rid of it [subtext: I bought and set this computer up last year for her, the firewall and antivirus have since lapsed subscription. Level of difficulty increase: she didn't bring her computer with her]
e) my printer doesn't print right, why?[subtext: she bought a great printer without consulting me, way to go! But it has eight ink cartridges...bad idea for her. I asked her when she changed the cartridges, she said last week. On further questioning, it was over nine months ago. I openly wept.
f) I set up wireless internet, how do I use it? [WTF?!?! How the hell did you do that? [please see above items for reason for disbelief]. Oh, right, "Bob" did it. Your secret boyfriend that you won't tell us is your boyfriend. I get it. You're 3X years old, grow up. And why don't you ask Bob all these dumbass questions?

2) Mom: very new to computers but is picking things up rapidly. It seems her impetus is keeping up with her friends....she cannot fall behind in the war of forwarding your kids stupid articles and jokes. I'll keep hers brief because she actually asked very reasonable questions and thought through possible solutions. Except for:
a) Why isn't the mouse working?[well, there could be a variety of reasons but the most likely is mechanical. You have a very bad habit of putting food down on the mouse pad, now there are crumbs all over the place. Gross. You yell at me for that anywhere else and the rest of your house is spotless, but apparently it's okay for you to do that only right here. Easy solution: stop eating here. Easier solution [and more likely]: get them an optical mouse.]

3) Dad: oh, dear dad. You SO want to learn everything about computers but don't use them at ALL in your daily life (mind boggling). Mom tells me that you fall asleep in front of your computer because you're too tired after work. I have the same problem, except for the fact that I'm lazy. You don't have time to learn how to use them, I understand; but you need to realize that even though you read about it, you don't need to know how to do it.
a) Why does my palm pilot make a beep every five minutes? [well, if you remember, for fun and example during the summer we decided to have an alarm alert you to your daughter's birthday....on October 26th....it's done, you can turn it off now.]
b) How do I print? [I know all the printer settings are confusing and the submenus are annoying; but if you understand how to do these basic things, you'll build your confidence and knowledge base; just keep practicing]
c) How do I type a letter? [hey, that's a good place to start, I'll leave sticky's on the desktop to tell you where to find microsoft word, etc.]
d) How do I make a powerpoint presentation? [ummm, lets start with the letter and practicing the save and print stuff first, okay?]
e) How do you compile a DVD of pictures we have taken so that you can watch it as a slideshow on the TV? [well, it's great that you're ambitious....again, let's work on the saving files, rearranging files, and syncing your palm]
f) Can we set up a repeater using a pringles can to boost our pre-n signal throughout the house? [who have you been talking to?!? stop that right now]
g) Oh yeah, and dad, the reason your battery keeps dying is because you jammed the power cord into the ethernet port; and it makes me wonder how you're able to turn it on at all. You'll never cease to amaze me.
sorry for the rant. It really was great to see my family again, and I'm sure they're already loading up on questions for the next time they see me.

Back on the Grid

Welcome back to your real life everyone. <sigh>
I cannot, for the life of me, get my ass back in gear today. And an out-of-gear ass is the last thing we all need this morning. Adjusting to life after a long weekend off is proving to be difficult. But at least I'm finally "back on the grid" so to speak, since my parent's house was essentially devoid of internet capabilities [note: I did not say it lacked computer capabilities...more whining to follow]....i was in Michigan, NOT Siberia as one would expect....though you wouldn't know that with the snow, and the sub-zero wind chill, and the kossacks and whatnot. I tried to send two emails this weekend....nuthin doin'....I even poked the goat with an extra sharp stick....nope, still couldn't get the modem to work.
Boy, do I have a busy schedule of web surfing to make up for.

dimanche, novembre 27, 2005

Not Soon

Dear God. Why do you do this to us? Must you always test us in so many ways? Why do you make us go on ridiculously long car trips with friends, then stop traffic for HOURS? What is the point of promising "Open Lane Tolls", especially when it really means "all toll lanes closed"? And why are people such morons? Though, I do thank you (thee?) for allowing us that little bit of road rage....that wonderful bit of entertainment...right in front of our car! Furthermore, you know very well that any more than four hours of consistent contact with a single person makes them realize that I am, in fact, certifiably insane. Well, I think that's the end of that friendship. Oh no? Well, it seems to be the case when one of the passengers says "see you later", the other one immediately replies "Not soon." Dang.

mercredi, novembre 23, 2005

Turkey Time


first real snow
Originally uploaded by puma1.
So, I'm leaving for home today...unfortunately a ten hour drive in front of me. And it looks like the weather won't cooperate, jerk. I may not be blogging from home...dial up and aol...blech. We'll see. I hope everyone has a very good Thanksgiving weekend.

mardi, novembre 22, 2005

Devout Directions

[obligatory apology to follow] Sorry folks for not blogging for a few days, things have been somewhat busy/boring; so really, since you didn't have to read any of that effluvia, you come out on top.
Last night I was at work FOREVER.  And these little elves decided to have this huge party inside my head....with their rock music and crunk dancing and whatnot.  But anyway, my roommates and I ended up going to dinner.  Afterwards, I came back to work to finish up on some stuff and one of my coworkers asked me where I went.  Now, he's a really great guy but he is tremendously religious (i'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just laying the groundwork).  So, I told him what restaurant we went to and he asked "Where's that?".  And I thought about it.....and said "Umm, I don't know"....because having to explain to him that it's right next to a gay bar and the place where they have the caberet burlesque show may not have been so helpful to him.

dimanche, novembre 20, 2005

Backseat Fireplacing

So, my roommate is trying to start a fire....and struggling...(face it dude, you totally are)....and I can't help but give him tips.....it's going to come to fisticuffs soon....

vendredi, novembre 18, 2005

Incessant

Huh, this seems to have changed from a blog into a whine fest....so be it internet...nobody else listens to my bitching, may as well be you....
Today is a really busy day, but because everybody else is so slow, I end up sitting here updating my rss feeds every three seconds.....I have nearly fifty feeds, you'd think there would be something to read....damn you internet.....  I gotta stop taking the crystal meth with my morning coffee [it's a joke, mom]

Funny links
I pity the fool that don't take a left turn here.....GPS systems with celebrity voices....bad idea; i can imagine Fran Drescher screaming at me through a traffic circle....<<shudder>>
Hilarious Link about the thirty things you don't know about chuck norris...... but should
New Ride at Boyne Mountain called the Super G....hear it's a pretty good ride
Dining in the District
Autistic Savant learned Icelandic in seven days, really interesting how his mind works
 
HOW TO section:
Have you ever wanted a megaphone but are too lazy to hold it in your hands?  Or have you thought a megaphone could really spice up your look?  Well look no further...the megaphone helmet is here!
Make your own flash ring for macro or fashion photography
How to make your own digital pinhole camera!

Friday Link-o-rrhea

Alright, so I finished the cookies late last night....don't mix baking and fatigue kids, it's a dangerous thing.  Cookies are the last thing I need at a time when I am trying to eat healthier...whatever, I can say that I'm adding on my "winter weight" [ ed. note: "winter weight" is an excuse for gluttons in the cold climates to eat like shit and not feel guilty about it].
 
- Beautiful paperwork sculptures on this Korean site, it's just beautiful what they make out of that single sheet 
-High Schooler that was able to fold a sheet 12 times
-The fly pen : The new invention by Leapfrog that I mentioned last month, it's finally coming out and looks pretty great
-Vegetarian Thanksgiving: sick of eating the delicious flesh of animals?  Try these alternatives, fatty. 
The 100 dollar laptop finally unveiled: Negroponte's MIT group finally unveils the new laptops....aww, why do rwandan kids get all the fun
The new harry potter movie is out! [ed. note: look, I'm not one of those "check out the sensitive guy cuz he likes children's books and that means that he'd be a great dad and hubby" fuckers; a good story is a good story and the movies are fairly well made and compelling, get off my nuts....and hermione is getting HOT, yo]
Panda cam- you can't stop watching the damn pandas can you?....they are SO ruining your love life. 
pillow fight - in Toronto and Rome last weekend, huge 'net organized pillow fights...if we can't get a zombie mob, these are the next best thing?
fish rights - new laws in Rome (perhaps because of the pillow fights?) that safeguard against animal, namely fish, abuse....my aquarium rejoices. (little do they know, they're not in Rome....)
primate electronics: study in Japan showing that due to electronics, youths have been regressing and are acting more like apes.  i coulda told you that....these kids today....
aluminum foil hats : empirical study about the effectiveness of Aluminum Foil Hats from MIT.  Funny.
TIME magazine's top inventions of 2005 - stupid interface, use the right column to see the others.
get out of best buy screens - want to get kicked out of best buy?  Yeah, me too.  Use this to get past their stupid system so you can surf the web
image editing: very basic but essentially good list of the 8 steps of image editing.
blogging tips: i don't do a single one of these....and i'm too lazy to start....but for all of you non-lazy asses out there

rss guide : helpful guide to RSS and why you should use it. I love my bloglines account...but it's probably not a time saver since I now have 45 feeds....yeah, i know, i suck; and it's the only way i can check wonkette at work...or was it washingtonienne?...no, no, wonkette.
back up blog : how to back up your blog....or in my case, blogssssssss.
"In particular, women appear to have a lower expectation that the cartoon will be funny than men" - A Stanford Study that shows that women laugh more at certain things....which sort of explains why sometimes women laugh at my jokes: Pity.
Katamari Sushi  - katamari craziness continues...beautiful sushi pics; this one is of my favorite roller.
Pictures of the Architectural density of hong kong
So, you wanna make an old timey bike, huh?
Xylothek - library of wood-I had never heard of this before I saw this...people are strange.
drawing flash : flash file that shows an artist going through a drawing of a woman from skeleton to final form, pretty cool.
Damn squirrels: deciphering squirrel speak.
Aurora Photography

iPod Hand

So, if you haven't guessed from the past few posts, it's cold here.  With the new lower temperatures, gloves are required for driving....except I can't use a glove on my right hand....so now it is frozen.  Why, you may ask?  Because my stupid 3G iPod has heat sensitive buttons that can't be pushed with a gloved hand....and even without the glove, my hands are oft too cold to make the buttons work.  Way to go geniuses in Cupertino; if you keep this up, you'll get on my "list". 

smoke on the water


smoke on the water
Originally uploaded by puma1.
Alright, so I had high hopes of blogging tonight; but it's been kind of a clusterfuck tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll get in all the links I've been saving up this week. There are a bunch...but what else are you gonna do on Friday when you're trying to beat the work-day shot clock?

jeudi, novembre 17, 2005

Subzero


frost
Originally uploaded by puma1.
Well, okay, I'm not sure about that but it was 9 degrees (NINE FUCKIN DEGREES) without windchill. What happened? Dude, we need more firewood.

Mommie Dearest

An Open Letter to My Mother,
 
I hope this letter finds you well.  Yes, yes, I'm sorry I don't call as often as I should.  Yes, I know, she's the better child; I could only hope to be more like her.  No, I did not hear that my cousin got a new TV, that had not hit the streets yet way out here.  Oh really?  Well, that IS something.  Made of red peppers and olives, huh?  That sounds tasty.  Yes, I'll bet that was quite popular amongst your bridge group.
ahem.
Look, mom, I have something that I need to say, sorry to interrupt.  I don't know quite how to say it, so let me finish first.
I appreciate that technology is a wonderous thing.  Almost every facet of my life has been "technified", so to speak.  These days our pockets bulge with the gadgets we've adopted.  And I also do appreciate that you and dad did not grow up with these...without even electricity for that matter.  I know it has been a slow process but you have slowly started to pick up more and more things and I applaud that.  I also recognize that in the "arms race" between you and dad to figure out these machines, you are WAY ahead; bravo.  It's also great that you teach him things about the computer....yes, yes, I know "United we stand, divided we fall"  Great use of the quote, by the way.
But do you really think he's ready for all that technology?  The answer is a resounding "no".  He has made this apparent by his most recent discoveries: the Forward and the [ab]Use of Links.  You must have taught him that, but with this, you need to teach him responsibility.  Over the past week I have received seven emails from dad.  Three of them have no text and have attachments.  Two of the three attachments are Pro-Bush drivel.  The last one is this strange document about Indian independence that doesn't make much sense.  You really should start screening his emails and tell his friends to stop sending him this crap.  The other four emails are links to various sites.  Two concern Abraham Lincoln and the Civil War.  One was about modern philosophy.  And the last one was about Proust.  But they're weird sites, mom.  He really needs to learn to discern his sources.  Like this one for Abraham Lincoln....(why is he sending me that anyway?)....I think it's a joke, but I just can't be sure...it scares me that lincoln looks like he's having a stroke...and it makes me cry to think how long my dad took to 1) find this page 2) deem it sufficiently funny to email 3) figure out how to cut and paste the URL (though I have a sneaking suspicion a pen was involved in writing it down and retyping it).   Please help him.  Or destroy the computer.  I prefer the latter.  Good Luck with all that and thanks.  Good Night.

mercredi, novembre 16, 2005

Everybody Hates

Everybody hates their cellphone. You know it's true. I have not met a single person that likes their carrier, plan, AND their phone. It's crappy technology that they don't even try to improve that much. They can make $100 laptops for Nepalese kids but my fuckin phone can't figure out how to download the damn Notorious B.I.G. ringtone. Jerks. I mean, do you know anyone that likes their phone and carrier? Really?!? Who? Oh, yeah, I forgot you're a liar. I believe your pants are currently on fire, by the way. Either you're lying or this marks the apocalypse.
I knew it, liar.

mardi, novembre 15, 2005

In the Mix


umbrella
Originally uploaded by puma1.
I'm back from a weekend away. Yup. Back from 80 degrees and sun...to what is known [hatefully] as "wintery mix". Though it sounds fun, it's not as special as you'd think. Well, yeah, the swearing under your breath at the cold is fun. Oh yeah, and your car warming up the instant you get to your destination is fun. And yes, being moist all day is super duper fun. God Bless the Upper Midwest.


Psychological Warfare

Alright. That's it. I work at a carnival. This morning they had what was termed "selective outages"...no power, no computer, no curling iron [couldn't think of anything else that would tug at your pity strings....yes, i think everyone has those, right?]. That's enough to screw the day, right. Nope. Then they decided to test the fire system. The rapidly flashing white lights were charming, really. Almost as charming as how the flashing lights turned the automatic sinks on and off and on and off and on and off [yes, keep repeating for, oh say, about three hours at the speed of Outkasts "Bombs over Baghdad" and you'll get the idea]. But wait, they couldn't stop there. Then the music started. I never knew that Enya put out a Christmas album. Kill Me.

mercredi, novembre 09, 2005

Guess who's gonna puke?

I went to dinner with some friends on Monday.  It was a huge group of people and one of my good friends was there with her boyfriend.  Now, I try to be nice to him....but to put it nicely, I don't get along too well with him at times.  Let's say we have differences of opinion....often....always.  And so it really killed me when my friend cheerily asked me upon my arrival "Guess who's pregnant!?!"
Now, I don't remember the size of the boot that kicked me in the testicles or where the searing hot poker to the eye came from, but apparently the look on my face at that instant was priceless.
 
[PS: It wasn't her.  there is a God] 

Foot in Mouth Disease

If there is a cure to this disease, I need it.  Bad.
Today, while walking down the hall at work, I saw a very vague aquantance.  I don't know her that well and had met her family a long time ago. Since I'm horrible at small talk, the only thing I think to ask is "So, how's your dad doing?"
She looks at me with a half smile and says "He's still dead."
Right.  Forgot about that.

mardi, novembre 08, 2005

Daylight Savings Trap

Dude, what is up with it getting dark here at three thirty, it's ridiculous. By the time I get home, I feel like i want to crawl in bed. Which would probably be the high point of my day if I did it. However, I've decided a long time ago that my non-working free time is so precious that it can't be wasted on sleep. Which means I'm incredibly tired at all times. Which makes me cranky. And which makes for boring blog posts. Dang. Well, sadly, if I remain as busy I have been, there won't be anything interesting for about a week or so, since I'm going out of town this weekend. We'll see.

Links
Puma's super awesome new hoodie....you would look so badass in this
Similarly, lets get dressed in mexican wrestling outfits, it's high art
Still more on video games: Katamari Artists
and this wired article that discusses emotion and gaming
very good article by david pogue on how companies can work to not piss off customers
Mcsweeney's lists: why bloggers hate mainstreem media (msm)
Find your bandwith hog programs with "Who's connected"
Cool AT-AT game cube mod
Want to tell yourself in twenty years that you totally "sold out" and that you really loved watching laguna beach in '05? Send yourself an email
Best price comparison sites [according to pcmag]
Small budget photography
Phoneswarm: i swear last week was the phone on my officemate's desk
50 greatest independent films
Dysfunctional family letter generator

Pretty funny URLs (not the sites, but the URLs themselves...read them a few times and you'll get it)

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: http://www.whorepresents.com/
Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com/
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: http://www.penisland.net/
Need a therapist? Try: http://www.therapistfinder.com
And there is an Italian Power company: http://www.powergenitalia.com/
Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: http://www.molestationnursery.com/


Well, hopefully you can chew on these for a while. Good luck.


lundi, novembre 07, 2005

How to Lose Respect in Nine Words or less

In my semi-new job, I have been put in a upper managerial position of sorts. At certain times, there are several people under my supervision that we consider our "team". I am new and have worked really hard to be fair, good natured, and yet professional. It has been a challenge to gain the respect of the staff and employees here since they know me mostly from my previous position "lower in the ranks". But things have been great, I am not hated [yet], and I really feel like I've earned the respect of my colleagues and coworkers.
That is, until my roommate bursts into a meeting and asks "Hey, how did you beat that Colossus last night [on playstation]??!!?
Great.

dimanche, novembre 06, 2005

Monday Morning Quarterback

Going to bed....a full day of nothing. great. I'll be productive tomorrow, I swear.

Very cool art project by german art students using a mac mini, a suitcase, a projector, and the subway.

Colossus

Yeah, so ever since I got hom from work today, all three of us have been sitting here playing "shadow of the Colossus". It's awesome...it's fairly simple but addictive. We've laughed, we've cried, we've gasped....but mostly we've yelled "dude, shut the fuck up, i know how to play, alright?!!?" Who brought this into our apartment? Oh right, I did. Sorry.

Links
Video games: Article by an economist that says if movies last as long as games, they'd be 13 billion dollars to make. We know that's true.
Video game titles that make more sense: Example: Katamari Damacy has been changed to "Magically Adhesive Ball of Garbage"
The one hour dry erase cock.
Things to do when you're bored
for later

samedi, novembre 05, 2005

Dude...something's on your car

so dude...I'm tryin to play it cool and all....but, I'm not sure if you know that there is a huge fucking hawk on your car. Why are you so oblivious? You've gotta hear that dude's talons ripping into steel....he is so gonna claw your eyes out.....and i'm sorry, i am gonna love every second of it.

Link:
very random guide to "dropping the kids off" at work

Plantz

So, here are the previously requested plants in all their glory...yeah, i need something else to take pictures of....

Oops....

Sorry, forgot to post the link to the crack-like game that I cannot beat 20.912 seconds on it and it is driving me crazy and if i continue to play this game iamgoingtostarttoseeboxesmoving allovertheplaceandtheykeepgettingfasterandigetsostressedbyitthatyoucanhearmeswearingundermybreatheverytimei gethit

vendredi, novembre 04, 2005

Tally

There are a bunch of things that I need to do every day. Exercise. Eat at home. Taking pictures with my new Camera. Blog. Hydrate. Check plants. Feed fish.
So, I've been better than usual today:
Eat at home: check! Got the reflux to prove it.
Exercise: yup. kinda lazily, but i'll count it
Pics with my new Cam: yep, took picks of my plants...for the fortieth day in a row...hey, the plants are checked, too
Fish have been been fed: filet mignon
Hydrate: only two glasses, gotta pick that up
Blog: you're looking at it
Yeah, things were going great...until I found this....i can't let go of this damn red box.....

iSuck

man, what a crap day. All sorts of excitement all day, savin people's butts all day, etc. And in the end I'm brought to my knees by a damn Now and Later stuck in my teeth. Brilliant.

Friday Linkage

Well, as stated earlier and also on your calendar, today is friday.  What better way to while away the last few hours of your work week (well, technically I work all weekend) with some linksies since I prolly won't post anymore today:
 
-Getting mates with song.  Apparently mice sing for sex.  After hearing our rendition of "Redemption Song" the other night, it's no wonder we sleep alone.
-New study shows that the higher the estrogen, the "prettier" you are....doesn't work in my case.
-Nude Brits shop while drunk.  Nuf said about this article from the Register.  I have done neither....no, really.
-Awesome, I finally found the jellyfish tank I've been looking for!
-Ugh.  I thought I needed to eat healthier, this guy is in trouble...and gross.  The $50 heart stopper sandwich.  [vegetarians beware, it will make you want to eat meat...right NOW]; caution, there have bee reports that this site has tried to install malware, so click on it behind a firewall.
-Similarly, for all those vegetarians that want meat now...BEEF PANTIES.  (read the first line of this article....they're being recalled)
-Only in Arkansas - a man wrestles a dear to death in his bedroom.
-Awesome: a halloween re-creation of thriller
-From McSweeneys: responsible Spam, excerpt: "Can't SATISFY your woman? Perhaps the two of you should sit down and discuss the issue."  
-From awhile ago: bananaguard....um, don't you think one of these might look strange on your desk?
-Hipster T-Shirt generator.
-Cute: beagles crossed with pugs = puggles
-9Volt USB Charger - how to make a portable charger for your USB powered devices.  So Rad.

Office Space

So, one of the big reasons that I haven't been posting as much is because I have a new office mate.  And because of that, I have to at least ACT busy, right?  But what happens when your officemate catches you staring at your computer, giggling, and playing with this (safe for work, not for your dignity).  Great.  Now he knows I'm an idiot.

Sore

Not much to report on from yesterday, I'm a little sore from exercising yesterday....yeah, I just heard about this exercising thing, apparently it's good for you.  Meh.   
It's Friday.  Woohoo.  I wish I had some "big doins'" going on but I really got nothin.    There's a hoe-down at the general store tonight and this afternoon, I may head down to the mercantile for my knitting circle; oh yeah, and prolly some fishin at old man Jedediah's fishin hole, I reckon.  I don't know what my problem is, sorry; I need more sleep maybe.
 
Links
 
-Web content being published at an alarming rate.  One in 5 teens has a blog.
-I'm not sure intel's new ad series "Entertainment in your Lap" was well advised....did they think about what that sounds like?